


The Christmas Princess

by dbcwinter



Series: The Season Fics [2]
Category: The Princess Diaries - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-13 15:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15367614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dbcwinter/pseuds/dbcwinter
Summary: 'I am going to Genovia in a few days. Not a big thing since I have been doing this for the past four years. Yeaaaaah, but during those holidays a certain person wasn't coming home for the first time in months'. Sometimes, following your Dad's orders, might just turn out to be the best Christmas ever ... despite injured ankles and hair dye accidents.Sequel to 'The Summer Princess'.





	1. Chapter 1

Sunday, December 15, the loft, 7 pm

School sucks enough as it is.

But when the week consists of exams only, it is utter hell.

In moments like these I totally agree with Rene's epic rants about royals having to attend school. I mean, what is the point, really? It is not like we will EVER have a 9 to 5 job. Who would employ us? With all the formal events we have to attend EVERY WEEK we would spend way more time on planes than sitting behind the work desk. Who would want to have an employee that is never there? It is kind of like Henry from Grey's Anatomy who was always on sick leave because of whatever-disease he had.

Then there's the constant attention of the paparazzi. Does a company really want somebody whose face is on Teen People and Us Weekly on weekly bases?

Conclusion: Royals are basically unemployable.

So why do we have to endure endless hours of Maths and Chemistry and all this if we will spend the majority of our time planning and attending charity events? Wouldn't it be better if we avoided all this stress (really. My face looks so much older this week. Is this good promotion of Genovia, Grandmere?)?

Dad says education is important because it broadens our mind. He insists that the more I will know the better I will rule in Genovia.

Which is a totally failed argument now that Genovia is a democracy. Although I am not totally sane the majority of time, I am sane enough not to run for any kind of position in the parliament. I love Genovia too much to expose it to my irrational judgments.

Though I still think the parking meters are a great thing.

And the snails were the right decision.

And recycling bins did a lot of good for the environment,

After people learned how to use them correctly, I mean.

Mr G just came to my room to check if I was studying. He frowned when he saw me writing in my diary.

Hello? I am studying, just having a short break? Trigonometry is killing my brain cells and I am sorry because I wish to enjoy their company for a bit longer?

Oh, I forgot. Mr G doesn't understand that too much math equals biological weapon of neuro-destruction. How could he, he is a mathematician? Seriously, Mr G is a really cool guy and all, but why couldn't Mum get knocked up by someone who is more into social science?

Look who's complaining, the chick whose boyfriend has been on the other side of the world for over a year building a robot.

Irony, you really want to be my friend, don't you?

 

Monday, December 16, the loft, 4 pm

Dr K is, as usual, completely unsympathetic of my problems. He says I actually stopped fussing over things I cannot change but instead I started creating problems in my mind. Since Lilly is basically saying the same thing, only calling it 'a pathological need to dramatize my life', I am seriously scared there's some truth hidden in there.

Even though it is not true. I HAVE problems, many of them! I don't know why everyone thinks my life is so glamorous and perfect. Just because I don't go on and on about all the troubles in my life anymore, it does not mean they are not there.

You see, the thing is ... I can't really talk about my problems to anyone. Because … the majority of them aren't problems but … lies.

Mia's List of Problems

1\. My boyfriend is in Japan and he has been there for over a year

2\. I haven't seen my boyfriend since June. That's more than 6 months.

3\. I am going to Genovia in a few days where I will be spending my Christmas break. Not a big thing, everyone says since I have been doing this for the past four years. Yeaaaaah, but during those holidays a certain person wasn't coming home for the first time in months.

4\. Exams are happening this week.

5\. My SAT scores. Enough said.

6\. Dad wants me to give a speech in Genovia (hmmm… I think the gene for not learning from your previous mistakes runs in the family. It is making me feel so much better. Kind of). They are opening an animal shelter and since it was the project I was working on during the summer holidays, I kind of understand where Dad is coming from. I just don't understand how come he doesn't take my speech skills into consideration.

7\. Grandmere has been torturing me with dreadful princess lessons as a retaliation for me attending all formal events during summer alone. She actually had arranged me a date, a guy from England named Andrew, but after I discovered that he didn't like girls and encouraged him to come out, he packed his bags and went back to London to live with his boyfriend. Grandmere thought me being alone was a very bad promotion for Genovia (still not bad enough to let me bring along Harry. Or Rene) and she interpreted Andrew's coming out as me ditching her plans and being rebellious. For someone who is such a skilled manipulator she is totally taking everything too personal.

8\. Paparazzi found out about my new hairstyle and now I cannot hide anymore. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE AND I LITERALLY MEAN EVERYWHERE. Last week, I went bowling with Harry, Sebastiano, and Rene. Somehow reporters found out and actually played right next to us. Next morning every newspaper in Eastern USA ran an article on how terrible Princess Mia is at bowling. I do have to say though, they are remarkably good when it comes to a disguise. We had no idea who they were. Or should I say, I had no idea. Rene was too drunk to be aware of anything. Harry was flirting with a waitress and Sebastiano kept making sketches for his new line (yeah, and still they all beat me at bowling).

9\. Grandmere has her eyes on the Norwegian banker again and now she wants me to 'socialize' with his nephew (a rich and spoilt kid who lives on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean) so that 'the families will spend some time together' meaning the banker will be reminded of her existence. Yeah, Grandmere has been dumped for the first time and is not taking it well. Question - why doesn't she just have him killed? It would save everyone so many nerves.

10\. Lana and Tina keep setting me up with guys so that I wouldn't go to the Winter Carnival alone (what's up with people not understand the word NO?). It is partly my fault, I admit. I mean, it is not like I ever told them I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Which reminds me …

11\. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND BUT I CANNOT TELL IT TO ANYONE BECAUSE OF … WELL, BECAUSE NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND. I mean, it's not like it bothers me, you know. It is my life and I don't really care what anyone thinks. But … it would be so much easier if I could just go to the top of Empire State Building and scream I AM DATING MICHAEL MOSCOVITZ AGAIN AND WE ARE IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK SO JUST SHUT UP. I mean, Grandmere would have a heart attack if she found out I am with Michael again.

Though … that would solve so many of my problems.

12\. Fat Louie hates me. After I went to Genovia for a week in November to attend 'national emergency' (believe it or not, it was not caused by Grandmere), leaving him in the care of my mother, I came back to find out that somehow my cat lost a few pounds. Mum said 'he was on a diet' but I don't think a diet should result in a cat looking emaciated. Louie has still not forgiven me for leaving him to starve. Yes, my own cat hates me. So why does Dad want me to give a speech about animals? I am clearly not capable of taking good care of them.

13\. The fortune teller lady that told me I would marry a farmer. I KNOW IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING BUT I STILL CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY MIND,

Really. How can Lilly or Dr K say I have no problems? I am not insisting that my problems are the worst in the world because they are not. I know billions of people have bigger problems than me but that doesn't mean that my life is totally perfect.

And yeah, I admit, I might be exaggerating a bit. But then again, I totally scored 85% on 'How Neurotic Are You?' test. It is not entirely my fault.

 

Tuesday, December 17, after History Final

\- Mia, you will LOVE Scott! Well, I don't mean like LOVE LOVE but he is such a cool guy! You will like having him as your date for the carnival, you'll see! We'll have so much fun!

Here we go again. Mia's potential boyfriend #7… or is it #8? … I got lost counting already.

\- While I appreciate your and Lana's effort, I think I will pass, Tina.

\- NO, YOU WILL NOT! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK US TO FIND YOU A DATE?

\- Tina, if I truly wanted to go with someone, I would ask Harry. Or Rene.

Though I don't think they would like to go. Given that there will be no unlimited alcohol. But even if they agreed to come … Rene gets rather irrational when under influence and I don't think I could handle that amount of embarrassment.

\- It is not because of … You Know?

Sex? What would sex have to do with anything?

If this is what she is referring to? And she usually uses 'You Know' for sex.

Which is rather cute. She could totally use a Rene for a cousin.

But I better go with a neutral response.

\- What do you mean?

\- You Know … three years ago, at Winter Carnival you and Michael … You Know.

Oh my god. The only thing worse than discussing possible boyfriends with Tina is discussing my TRUE boyfriend with Tina. Because … she still doesn't know Michael and I are back together.

I must say I am proud of myself somehow I manage to hide my goofy grin every time she mentions him.

She will totally kill me after she finds out.

\- No, it is not because of that. I just don't see any point in dating for the whole sake of dating. I am perfectly happy alone, Tina.

Thank god I have a feminist for a mother; I know everything about women being perfectly happy without a man.

\- I am not saying that you are not happy … but going out from time to time wouldn't hurt, you know. And it has been a long time since you and Michael broke up. I am sorry to tell you this but … things have changed. Michael is not here anymore, for all we know, he might be dating someone.

Oh, Tina, he totally is dating someone.

ME!

But of course I couldn't tell her that.

Who knew lying about having a boyfriend would be so tough? Especially considering he is on the other side of the world and we kind of cannot get busted or anything.

\- I know. But I don't really have time. Remember my SAT score?

Thank god for my lying skills. I don't think I could pull this off without them.

\- School is not everything, Mia.

Oh, I know it is not but what can I do if my boyfriend is in Japan? Should I seek more of Grandmere's company? I am sorry, but I am not that insane.

Besides … the thing that is keeping me cooped up in my room is not directly connected to school. I mean, yeah, my novel is my senior project but … I am writing it for myself. I would still work on it even if Mrs. Martinez didn't let it count as my senior project.

\- Look … I know that you truly loved Michael but …. Some relationships are just not meant to be. I mean … YOU KNOW! It hurts and it is sad and unfair but it happens. All you can do is move on. You should move on. You have to give life a chance! Look –

**Tina's List Of Characters That Lost Their Love but Moved on and were Happy in the End**

1\. Rose in Titanic. She lost her love but moved on with her life, had children and lived to the fullest.

2\. Holly in P.S. I Love You. She was heartbroken after Gerry died but in the end, she realized there is still beauty in life and she has to hold on to the hope of a better future.

3\. Gray in Catch and Release. She too realizes she has to let go of her dead fiancé and move on.

4\. Pretty much everyone in The Holiday

5\. Peter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

6\. Ted in How I Met Your Mother. Hello? The break up with Robin messed him up but in the end, he found his One True Love! The Mother!

7\. Cristina in Grey's Anatomy after Burke left. And she is with Hunt now. Somewhat happy, I think.

8\. Elle in Legally Blond. Remember, if Warner hadn't dumped her, she would have never met Emmett!

9\. Rory in Gilmore Girls after the Jess drama. Look what she accomplished afterward!

You see, Mia, there is life after a breakup. Besides, do you remember ME after Dave dumped me? I thought I could never be happy again yet … now that I have Boris, I am the happiest I have ever been!

 

Oh my god.

That's all I'll say.

All this lying is emotionally draining.

Where's the bell when you need it?


	2. Chapter 2

Tuesday, December 17, the Loft, 9 pm

WomynRule: POG, what was with that list Tina made today? Is there something happening between you and my brother that I don't know about? AGAIN?

You know how they say that when it rains it pours? Well, I think the opposite is also true – when something good happens, it just keeps happening. This is what happened to me, at least, when Michael and I got back together. Lilly and I became friends again. She screamed for half an hour how stupid I had been and then another half an hours apologizing for that website.

FtLouie: She found me another date for the Carnival.

WomynRule: Why don't you just tell her?

FtLouie: That I am not interested? I told her fifteen billion times!

WomynRule: Not that, you idiot. Just tell her you are back together with my brother.

She might be one of the few people that know about Michael and me, but she totally doesn't realize the whole aspect of the problem.

FtLouie: You know I can't do that, Lilly.

WomynRule: Frankly, she will have to learn eventually.

FtLouie: The more people I tell the more chances there are of Grandmere or Dad finding out. And you know how they would feel about it!

WomynRule: THEY WILL FIND OUT EVENTUALLY!

FtLouie: I will tell them after Michael comes back. If they find out now, they will want to know how it happened, and I can't exactly say I FLEW ALL THE WAY TO JAPAN COMMERCIALLY, CAN I? I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THEM ANY REASON TO HATE MICHAEL. You don't understand, Lilly.

WomynRule: Sure I don't. POG, things will be much different after my brother comes back.

Oh, no kidding! There's gonna be at least one less thing to lie about to everybody!

FtLouie: You mean I won't be able to hide it any longer?

I waited for her reply but it didn't come.

FtLouie: Lilly? Are you still there?

Which usually means she is too irritated to type in a rational voice.

FtLouie: Lilly?

WomynRule: I meant … never mind.

FtLouie: YOU MEANT WHAT? THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT HOW?

WomynRule: I just meant that when Michael comes back from Japan, he won't be some college student anymore.

No; he'll be a guy who reinvented heart surgery.

And he will be my boyfriend.

Can boyfriends get any cooler than that? Personally, I don't find rock stars to be too attracted.

FtLouie: You think this will make Grandmere stop hating him? No way, Lilly, TRUST ME. He still won't be royal and that makes him unworthy of me no matter what. Royals do not marry un-royals.

You'd think after four years, a genius like Lilly would realize this about Grandmere.

WomynRule: Didn't you say she wants to hook up with that Norwegian banker?

FtLouie: Yeah, but that's different. He's rich.

WomynRule: Please tell me you are kidding.

Kidding about what?

Oooh, it's Tina, again.

I love her, I really do but … she just annoys me.

ILuvRomance: Hey, Mia! I just spoke to Scott, he's looking forward to the carnival. You two will have so much fun together! Anyways, he's wondering if you'd like to get some pancakes before the Carnival. If you do, Boris and I could totally come too and we could have a double date!

Seriously, and then people say I am the dense one?

At least I know what a NO means.

FtLouie: TINA, I DO NOT WANT TO GO!

ILuvRomance: That was what you said three years ago. And just look how everything turned out – well, minus the whole breakup aspect.

Remember how Tina used to be so supportive of Michael and me? Well, I came to a realization she doesn't really care who I date – she just doesn't want me to be single. Because in Tinaland, when everything is pure LOVE, you are not fulfilled until you have a boyfriend.

I might be depressed but I think she needs a professional help more than I do. I mean, at least I am still in touch with reality. Her head is flowing … well, I don't really know where, but definitely not in our galaxy, that's for sure.

FtLouie: Situations are completely different.

ILuvRomance: Absolutely. And Michael is not here anymore.

AND SHE THINKS I HAVEN'T NOTICED?

FtLouie: I know he's not here anymore.

ILuvRomance: So I can tell Scott you'll go? But just to warn you – the double date thing might not happen, Boris doesn't like the idea.

Boris, the only sane person I hang out with in New York. Who'd think, in our freshman year, I would ever consider him to be the most normal person?

Life is really strange sometimes.

FtLouie: Neither am I.

ILuvRomance: I could ask Lana if…

FtLouie: Tina, once and for all, I am not going. I have to pack anyway since I am flying to Genovia the next morning.

ILuvRomance: Just pack now!

Is today national 'Let's Drive Mia Crazy' day? Lana's IMing me TOO! When did I become so popular?

Cheergurl: Tina just told me you're canceling on Scott. OMG, you soooooooo need to get laid, GEEK! It's just a DANCE! Though … if you don't go after all, can we still take your limo?

It doesn't get more Lana than this. But she can have my royal jet if it means they'll leave me alone!

WomynRule: POG, did a brick fall on your head and made you realize how dumb you are being?

Dumb? I can't follow this anymore.

I need to get new friends. Like YESTERDAY! I don't think true friends tell each other they're dumb or send each other on unwanted dates.

Seriously. What have I done to deserve this? I JUST WANT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH MY BOYFRIEND!

JoshBell2: Hey, Mia, I heard what Tina is planning. You don't have to go, you know. If you don't feel like it, then you should not go. I can talk to Tina for you if you want. – Boris

SkinnerBx: Hey, Thermopolis, how's it going?

And then the world stops spinning and I feel sane again.

He might be on the other side of the world, but he still makes me smile the most, calms me down and gives me hope that somehow things will work out.

FtLouie: Things are looking up, oh finally.

SkinnerBx: I miss you too. How did your Math test go?

FtLouie: I'll pass, I think. I hope. Tina is hooking me up with someone for the dance again.

SkinnerBx: Should I be worried?

FtLouie: That your girlfriend might go insane? Yeah, I think you should be.

SkinnerBx: You'll be fine. I'll be home soon.

I realize that he's trying to calm me down but …

FtLouie: Oh no kidding? You do realize I'm spending Christmas in Genovia EATING NATIONAL CUISINE OF NORWAY WHICH I THINK INCLUDES A LOT OF MEAT?

SkinnerBx: Didn't you say the chef in the palace adores you? Just ask him for a vegetarian meal.

Things are so simple in his mind, aren't they?

How to let a girl know you love her? Just tutor her in Algebra and play her a song about a guy who loves a very tall girl. She is bound to figure it out. NOT.

How to tell a girl you love her too? Create a computer program and show it to her in front of everybody. She won't freak out. AT ALL.

How to ensure your future with the said girl? Just reinvent heart surgery and go away for MORE THAN a year.

How to do 'the right thing'? BREAK UP WITH HER!

FtLouie: Don't you think Grandmere would notice that?

SkinnerBx: Will it make you feel better if I tell you CardioArm is coming along great?

It's obvious that there is no love lost between Michael and Grandmere, isn't it?

FtLouie: Then what are you doing, chatting with me? GO BACK TO THE LAB AND FINISH THE THING ALREADY!

SkinnerBx: I am on a lunch break.

FtLouie: Wouldn't you rather have a lunch break with me?

SkinnerBx: Always.

And then he signed off.

 

Wednesday, December 18, Princess Lessons

Oh my God.

WHY CAN'T SHE JUST SHUT UP?

I've been here for the past 40 minutes and every second of those minutes she has spent talking about this great event she is planning for Christmas. Since 'Grandmere' in combination with self-proclaimed 'greatness' usually means something disastrous, I am mentally preparing for yet another low in my life.

Seriously. What have I done to her? I must have done something otherwise she wouldn't be making this Christmas a complete disaster. I mean, I am sacrificing rare moments with my One True Love for her stupid Christmas fest. She even has forbidden Harry from coming, dreading I might end up playing badminton instead of attending formal dinner again (I am not 16 anymore, Grandmere?) – I mean, what am I supposed to do in Genovia? Die of boredom?

Wait … has she somehow found out about Michael? Is this why she has even wanted us to leave for Genovia a week earlier?

Oh my god.

She knows.

And I am so dead.

Maybe she will blow up New York while we'll be safe in Genovia. Michael dying in a catastrophe wouldn't raise any suspicion that Grandmere was behind it.

She is totally evil enough to pull this off.

Maybe I should start paying more attention.

"Arne has already agreed to come …. This relation we will have with Norway will be priceless, Amelia. He is a very popular man in his land and thousands of Norwegians will hear about Genovia. And every winter – winters are terrible up there – the same thousand people travel south. With the right promotion, what Arne most definitely is, this thousands might come to Genovia! This will do marvels for our finances, Amelia!"

Right, she is selflessly devoted to her nation. There is no hidden motive in her liking this banker. NOT AT ALL.

She is impossible.

**List of Possible Christmas Gifts**

1\. Grandmere. Cyanide. Or maybe a brick – it might get magic powers and fall onto her head. Maybe a slight concussion might make her saner. Or kinder. Ok, seriously, something purple. Maybe I could join hers and Rommel's gift … I could ask Sebastiano to make matching coats for them? Sebastiano and I could totally give her the present together …

2\. Dad. A plant? If he takes care of it for a year without killing it, then maybe the next year I can give him a hamster or something? It might trigger a voice in his head saying it is time to settle down.

3\. Mum – a t-shirt with Pussy Riot written on.

4\. Mr G – 'World's Friendliest Mathematician' Coffee Cup.

5\. Rocky – a Superman bed sheet he has wanted since … ever.

6\. Lars – a mascot of the upcoming Olympics. Since he has totally fallen in love with winter sports lately.

7\. Tina – I am seriously thinking she does not deserve a gift this year. Maybe a nail polish?

8\. Lana + Trish – not that they deserve it but maybe a mani/pedi appointment?

9\. Lilly – since her TV station in Korea is paying for all the show's expenses, she no longer wants empty tapes … Damn, I really thought I had this gift covered; now I have to think of something NEW? Maybe I could convince Dad to be on her show again?

10\. Boris – a guide though fashion would be too mean, right?

11\. JP – a notebook. He'll need plenty of those now that he is writing a play.

12\. Shameeka – a Beyoncé perfume

13\. Ling Su – something for painting.

14\. Perin – that book she has been longing to have for ages now.

15\. Sebastiano – old buttons I saw in the antique shop last week. Since he had a thing for buttons now.

16\. Rene – SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE HIM STOP SMOKING!

17\. Harry – seriously what can you buy a guy who can afford everything? Maybe that maple syrup he has fallen in love with the last time he was in New York?

18\. Michael – well, I know what NOT to buy – anything off Ebay. Maybe I could make him something that will remind him of me? Since I have no idea how much longer he will be Japan for (I know they have a different culture there, but I did think a year equals 365 days EVERYWHERE. Yes, he is a genius, but that does not give you the right to extend his stay!).

But I guess I don't really have to worry about his gift. I mean, it's not like I will see him this Christmas.

THANKS, DAD AND GRANDMERE!

.

Wait … what did Grandmere just said?


	3. Chapter 3

Still Wednesday, on my way home from Princess Lessons

I never thought I would say this but my grandmother rocks.

Not only had she canceled tomorrow's Princess Lessons because of an urgent appointment with her dermatologist – she even decided that lately I have been possessing a tendency to behave inappropriately during formal dinners and am therefore in a desperate need for a preaching. And since tomorrow she does not have time, the only available slot is Friday.

During Carnival.

Meaning I cannot go to the Carnival.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Not taking the hatred she has for Michael into consideration, Grandmere is actually quite cool.

 

Still Wednesday, 8 pm

I texted Tina to let her know I cannot make it to the Carnival. An hour later, she still hasn't replied.

Yes, panic time.

She must be thinking I am only looking for an excuse. No way she believes this is all Grandmere's fault.

NO WAY.

 

Still Wednesday, 9 pm

I wonder what she's planning now. Though I am not entirely sure if I even want to know. Maybe she and Lana will drug and kidnap me.

No. No, I am overreacting, like I always do. Tina would never do something like this.

Though … she has read so many romance novels where kidnapping results in an eternal love story. And she is just crazy enough to think it could happen in real life too.

OH MY GOD.

 

Still Wednesday, 9:30 pm

What is wrong with me? I have a French final in the morning. I don't have time to be freaking out! I need a good night sleep! What IS wrong with me? I have probably already failed Trigonometry; I can't afford to fail French too!

Especially since it is an official language of the country whose princess I am.

 

Still Wednesday, 10 pm

Louie just scratched me. Even my cat doesn't sense anymore when I am going through an emotional crisis. Who am I supposed to turn to for emotional support now? I can't go to Mum; she is watching the new White Collar episode and she HATES being interrupted in the middle of it!

I am totally alone in this world. Totally; I never really realized till now. I have no one to turn to.

NO ONE.

I can't even call Michael because he is in his lab right now and he always turns off his cell when he's there.

So I guess I am back to freaking out in my room alone again.

How did I get into therapy again?

 

Still Wednesday, 10:30 pm

Hmmm … what about Dr Knutz?

I mean, it's his job to listen to my freak outs. He gets paid for it.

He totally shouldn't complain if I call him at 11 pm.

 

Still Wednesday, 11 pm

I remember watching Monk as a kid and laughing every time he had a crisis and couldn't live without calling his shrink.

Now I am just as crazy as he was.

Really, can I sink any lower?

 

Still Wednesday, 11:15 pm

Dr K wasn't really happy when his phone started ringing in the middle of the final act of the opera he was watching with his wife. And he was even less pleased when I told him I am afraid my friend might try to drug and kidnap me tomorrow.

All he said was that he'd call me back.

And we are paying this guy?

 

Still Wednesday, 11:30 pm

I tried to remember some self-defense moves Lars had taught me but all I got out of it was a sprained ankle and a broken lamp.

If Lana pulls out the bottle of her perfume and sprays it into my eyes, my already shaky aim will totally fall apart.

Meaning, I am getting drugged and kidnapped no matter what I do.

I should just accept my fate. Like I accepted the life imprisonment AKA being a princess.

 

Still Wednesday, 11:35 pm

Wait - I HAVE LARS! I am sure a bit of perfume couldn't disarm him! I mean, he is a professional, right? RIGHT?

Seriously, why do I have to be this stupid?

 

Thursday, December 19, 6 am

A phone rang and without looking at who was calling, I started screaming into the speaker. I mean, who could possibly be calling if not Dr K? He said he would call plus, it was past midnight and why would anyone call this late? I mean late?

When will I realize this is me we are talking about?

"What took you so long? I am totally freaking out! You think Tina will try to kidnap me? Because I totally think so! I mean, she was really into the carnival and she found me all those dates and now I can't go because of Grandmere! I don't think she believes me, I think she thinks I lied because, I mean, I told her billion times I do not want to go! There's no way she's gonna believe me! I mean, I do want to go, I just don't want to go with anyone, you know? She will take it personally, won't she? Oh my god ... and Grandmere is totally spooky, she'll go on and on about her banker and his nephew. And I saw the amount of luggage she has prepared! She has so many bags, there's no way the plane will be able to take off with all of them! We'll totally crash! I will die! But I can't die? And I asked her if I could possibly fly back to New York for a few days, you know, since have never celebrated Christmas with Rocky yet, and do you know what she said to me? That as long as she lives, I will behave like a proper princess but after she dies, I can do whatever I want, disgrace the generations before me and destroy the family's reputation! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL? OH, NO, IT WAS NOT EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, NOT AT ALL! I mean, it is just not FAIR! Why do I keep suppressing myself just so that I am somewhat like a textbook princess? Why nobody lets me be both at the same time? I feel like all I do is making everyone else happy while … I don't do anything for myself! I mean, yeah, I bought myself the new Mumford and Sons album but that's not my point. I never do what I want to do, you know? Like, if I want some chocolate cake at like 2 am, I can't just like go to the store and buy it. I have to call my bodyguard first. And I could never do that because I am too afraid of waking him up! And if I can't even get the cake, HOW CAN I EXPECT MYSELF TO GO AFTER THINGS I WANT AND ARE ACTUALLY IMPORTANT? I AM SUCH A FAILURE! I AM COMPLETELY UNASSERTIVE. Thank god Genovia is a democracy now; if I had to rule there, I would probably sign whatever out in front of me because I would be too afraid of saying no to people and hurting their feelings. Oh my god, I can't even say no to a friend, how could I say no to anyone else?"

"Trust me, Mia, you can say no when you want to. I know it all too well," Michael's voice laughed when I had to stop to take a breath.

Which, hello, was just another proof that I was out of my mind. I mean, my own therapist started talking in my boyfriend's voice.

Though I do think spending Christmas in a psychiatric ward would be way nicer than Christmas in Genovia. At least as long as Grandmere is still alive.

Do we even have psychiatric hospitals in New York? We must have, New York has everything. I need to look up the number of the closest one. Because I know I'll end up in one. I JUST KNOW.

"Dr K? What is wrong with your voice?" I said suspiciously.

"Mia, are you ok? It's me; why would your therapist call you after midnight?" Michael said and sounded somewhat worried.

And my blood suddenly lacked so many proteins that I had to sit down otherwise I would probably collapse and given my luck hit my head hard enough to get a blood clot for Christmas.

"Michael?" I said with a trembling voice.

"Yeah. What are you doing up? I thought I'd leave a message on your answering machine to wish you good luck for tomorrow; I never thought you'd pick up. Everything ok?"

Was this the same guy who listened to my rant for the past 10 minutes? IS EVERYTHING OK?

I mean, yeah, I left out the biggest problem of all simply because Dr K is completely unsympathetic about it (Mia, what did we say again? Do not obsess with things you cannot change, and you cannot spend this Christmas with Michael so just let it go – AND WE ARE PAYING THIS GUY? What kind of a therapist is he if he only makes my life more complicated?), but having a grandmother whose pathological need for extra luggage will kill you IS NOT OK!

You'd think that someone who supposedly loves you would understand this fear but noooo, not in Mialand!

"Mia … are you still upset about going to Genovia for Christmas?" Michael carefully asked.

Upset? STILL? Was I supposed to get over it?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

What could I possibly say back? Exactly, nothing, so I just kept my mouth shut.

"Mia, I hate spending Christmas away from you as much as you do. But think of all the Christmases we'll get to spend together in the future! What's this one Christmas comparing to all the future ones?" 

Ok, I am seriously worried about my boyfriend. What has he been smoking in Japan? All the Christmases in the future? What, he thinks that this is the last Christmas my grandmother will insist that I spend in Genovia? Yeaaaaah, it is highly unlikely. I mean, she already said that as long as she's alive, I am spending Christmas holidays in Genovia.

Does Michael think he'll be invited to come with me? To the palace where Grandmere will be?

He must be high; why would anyone want to be in a ten-mile radius from my grandmother? Seriously! If I could, I would Fedex myself to Mars just so that we couldn't share the same planet! Besides, two years ago, when I somehow convinced Dad to let me invite Michael and Lilly to the palace, Grandmere didn't forgive me for dragging That Boy to Genovia for WEEKS! It was pure torture, learning all the names of Saudi royalty! Do you know how many Saudi Princes there are?

I mean, this is GRANDMERE we are talking about here. She HATES Michael. If she could, she would hire the world's leading scientists just so that they could invent a pesticide that would keep Michael away from Genovia.

Even if he'll make this robotic arm work, THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD TAKE A LIKING IN HIM! NO WAY! Why does nobody understand this but me? This is not some rational human being – THIS IS GRANDMERE!

Yeah, of course I could be optimistic and hope that next year will finally be the year when all the Sidecars and Gitanes catch up with her but, hello, this is Grandmere. She would never just die and let her granddaughter be happy with her One True Love. A human body is capable of miracles in extreme situations and keeping the Genovian Princess from That Boy certainly is an extreme situation for Grandmere.

And then they all say I am overreacting? I am totally rational. TOTALLY. 

"Mia?" Michael said after I didn't respond again.

And, yeah, I do understand what they all mean with this whole 'maybe you are in distress now but things will get better and you will be happy eventually'. I mean, yeah, it is the truth; things cannot be bad forever, just like every storm ends and spring always sweeps snow for leaves but – what's the point of knowing this if you are in the middle of nowhere without an umbrella? If it's freezing and your heating system died? What's the point of thinking 'ah, screw this, things will get better' if you are hurting NOW? People are such hypocrites. We keep saying CARPE DIEM when things are cool and 'live for the upcoming sunny day' when things are bad.

HOW CAN I BE HAPPY FOR SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET AND IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN AT ALL (if that fortune teller lady was right, of course! And if Grandmere becomes the first human to live forever – and honestly, she is capable of worse things so I wouldn't be surprised!).

Really. I have a French final in a few hours and I am upsetting myself. DO I WANT TO FAIL THIS EXAM OR WHAT?

"Mia … whatever has upset you this much is not as bad as you think right now, I'm sure. Everything will work out fine, like it always has. Take a deep breath and lie down; don't you have an exam in the morning?"

Well thank you for reminding me I will fail French. There's no way I'll pass, not after THIS!

Hey – maybe Tina and Lana will kidnap me before the exam! Then I won't have to die of embarrassment when we get the results back!

"I can't just lie down and go to sleep!"

"Yes, you can. You can do everything you want to as long as you try," Michael said with conviction in his voice.

"You are putting way too much faith in me," I sighed.

"I am not. You are putting too little faith in yourself."

I know he is the smarter one here – I mean, he is in Japan developing the robotic arm that will change heart surgery while I am writing a love story for my Senior Project. But - hello? MY OWN CAT HATES ME – how can I have any faith in myself if my own cat started hating me?

"I have to live in my head, Michael. I know how screwed up everything in here is."

"Sometimes things look skewed up close. Trust me, Mia, you can do so much if you only try."

"You are just saying that because you love me. Though to be honest I am not entirely sure if I am worth all the trouble. I mean, this whole royalty business is messing up our lives and what do we get out of it?"

"As long as we have each other, that's enough for me."

"I'm just saying, without this whole royalty aspect, things would be so much simpler."

"Maybe … but can't you see how much you can actually do as a princess?"

"I can't even convince the chef of the Genovian palace to serve me a vegetarian meal, Michael."

"Mia …" Michael said with a patient voice (sometimes I really don't understand why he bothers. I mean, in which galaxy would I even sound sane?), "I know it is annoying to have the world following you everywhere and pay attention to everything you're doing. But have you ever thought of what you could do with that?"

"I already am promoting Sebastiano, Michael," I said.

"You could do even more than that, Mia. Every time you go to some party dinner, everyone wants to take a picture of you or have you say a few words in a camera, right? Well, for example, you could say something about the humanitarian crises in Somalia. 90% of people watching wouldn't even hear what you said because they'd be too distracted by the dress you're wearing. That 10 % would hear and think, hmmm, what is she talking about? And they'd google it and read about the situation in Somalia. 9% of those people wouldn't do anything about it, for whatever reason, but that 1% would – whether they would donate to some charity or even go to Somalia to do some charity work. Whatever they did, they would make a difference – and it would be all because of you, Mia, you can change the world. All it takes is one sentence. Imagine what you could do with two or three sentences or the whole speech. Not only you have a will to make things better - you have the power, the resources to do so. Yeah, your personal freedom might be suffering at times but what about the freedom you can give to others?"

I knew he had a point; Michael is so smart, pretty much everything he says has some kind of a meaning, but at midnight and in a middle of a breakdown or whatever I was having, it is impossible for me to think rationally. The only thing that helps is chocolate cake which, unfortunately, cannot be found in a fridge.

And I don't dare to wake Lars up just because of my hormonal imbalance.

"I don't think Grandmere will ever let me speak freely in front of the camera again, Michael; don't you remember the thing with traffic meters?"

I heard Michael sigh.

"I think it is high time you went to bed, Mia. Stop worrying so much; even if Tina gets upset about the whole carnival thing, I am sure Lars won't let her hurt you. Good luck tomorrow, ok?"

"I'll fail," I muttered as I lay down.

"Don't be silly; you speak French better than anyone I know."

"I am the only person you know that speaks French, Michael. I mean, besides my Dad and Grandmere."

"Well, yeah, but you make it sound sophisticated while your grandmother only sounds snobbish. Now go to sleep."

"I won't hang up, you know."

"Fine, then I will."

"No, you won't," I laughed.

And as he whispered that he loved me, it felt like he was right beside me. It was almost as if I could feel his arms wrapped around me. And suddenly, all the pressure disappeared and I felt – calm.

Apparently calm enough that I didn't wake up till now, still holding a phone in my hand.

I still don't understand how people could think he wasn't good enough for me.


	4. Chapter 4

Thursday, December 19, 1 pm

Great news #1: I think I actually did well in my French final.

Great news #2: I haven't been drugged and kidnapped (yet). Tina has been avoiding me for the majority of the day while Lana is too busy telling everyone about the hot date she has for tomorrow night to think about me ruining her plans.

Plus, Lars has assured me that he won't let anything bad happen to me.

By the way, what is happening with Lars lately? He keeps smiling to himself and starts laughing every time I start complaining about Christmas (ok, he always laughs when I complain in general, so this isn't really news). I know he doesn't have a new girlfriend or anything since he is always asking me for advice when he asks a girl out (why me of all people, I wonder?).

During lunch, I asked him what was wrong but he just smiled mysteriously and said nothing.

Yeah, right. I am not that dense.

If he's not careful, I am keeping his Christmas gift for myself this year.

 

Thursday, December 19, 5 pm

Great news #3: I am done with exams.

Great news #4: for the first time in … years? I have a whole afternoon off. No homework. No studying. No therapy. No Princess Lessons. Nothing princess related.

Is this how real holiday feels like?

It is so peaceful it is actually slightly annoying.

Is this how abstinence feels like?

Damn. Am I like that old guy in The Shawshank Redemption? You know, the one that hangs himself because he cannot survive outside of prison? Have I too been institutionalized and cannot live a princess-free life anymore?

Grandmere, you truly are an alien, aren't you?

 

Thursday, December 19, 6 pm

Maybe I could go pack?

Yeah … no.

 

Thursday, December 19, 8 pm

Rene just called.

Andrew is getting married.

You know, the guy I was supposed to date last summer but didn't because it turned out he was gay?

Well, he is marrying his boyfriend in Spain on the 26th.

And I am invited. Along with Rene, Sebastiano and Harry.

Oh my god. Is it possible that our old gang is getting together again? It would totally make this Christmas way, way better!

There's just one problem – I am kind of not allowed to see Harry this Christmas. Grandmere would freak if… I mean, I have to be on my best behavior this holiday, since her banker will be there and all … there's no way she would let me go to Spain, even if just for a day to attend the wedding. Especially a gay wedding since she is … well, you know, Grandmere.

And I shouldn't run away again, like I did last year.

But I really, really want to go! It will be so much fun!

I hate being a princess. Have I ever told you that?

 

Thursday, December 19, 10 pm

Just got off the phone with Sebastiano.

He is designing the wedding clothes for the groom and groom at Andrew's wedding. He has to do something special. Or something like that, I couldn't really understand what he was saying since he was so excited.

I can't not go. I just can't.

But … how will I pull this off? Without giving Grandmere a heart attack or at least give her a reason to endlessly torture me?

 

Thursday, December 19, 11 pm

Harry called me to say this wedding is something I am not allowed to miss.

I wish I could be as reckless as him. He doesn't care what his grandmother thinks of him disappearing for a few days during Christmas break. Actually, this year she has miscalculated the number of guests and ran out of free rooms in her palace which means that some members of the royal family have to sleep in servants' rooms. Harry is one of them (he didn't say where the poor servants are sleeping) and now he thinks his running away would doubtlessly improve his granny's math skills.

Well, at least he has a good excuse. What's mine?

I totally hate you, granny, for forcing me to spend Christmas away from my boyfriend and you are so lame with this whole banker romance so I am running away to teach you a lesson?

Why does this keep happening to me?

 

Friday, December 20, 1 am

I just realized Dr K has never called me back.

And we are paying this guy, seriously?

 

Friday, December 20, lunch

I passed all my exams.

Not that anyone is happy for me.

Tina keeps asking me if I can come to the carnival just for an hour or two.

Lana keeps complaining that her hair will stink from the air in the taxi she will have to ride to school (since she spent all her cab money on Christmas gifts - I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE GOT ME THIS YEAR!).

JP is standing way too close to me. Really. He keeps asking me if I'll show my face around the Carnival so that he could get one dance with me. Last time he asked me he stood so close to me that I breathed in his smell of dry cleaners. Since it is intoxicating in a completely opposite way than Michael's smell (in other words – it stinks), I, of course, moved backward to get away from it. Only, the only way back was crashing into this sculpture that looks like a bird tree and has leaflets advertising the new products in the Ho Deli. So the bird tree basically fell down with me landing on top of it and the leaflets were flying around like confetti.

JP started apologizing and tried to help me get up but Lars pushed him away and pulled me up. Boris sent a dirty look to JP who went on and on about how sorry he was (Boris totally doesn't like JP. I wish I knew why. JP is a nice guy. I mean, he was there for me in the darkest hour of my life). Oh, and Lilly looked like she would rip her arm off and start hitting JP with it. Honestly, Lilly and Boris looked so much more like a couple at that moment than the entire time they were dating in our Freshmen year.

No, it was not one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Now I just wait for someone who recorded the whole incident with their iPhone, to upload it to YouTube and Princess Mia's fall will go viral. Shame I am not wearing my 'Save the Whales' T-shirt.

But at least I passed all my exams.

Yaaaaaaay.

 

Friday, December 20, 5 pm

Grandmere just called to check if I didn't forget about tonight.

No, Grandmere, of course I didn't, how could I possibly? You are making the happiness in my life rot – how could I EVER forget about you?

 

Friday, December 20, 7 pm

I am officially late for the Winter Carnival.

And Tina hasn't called me to tell me what she's wearing and which eye shadow she has on.

I knew it. I totally knew it; she was just being nice in school.

She will never speak to me again.

First my cat, new my friend hates me.

What have I ever done to deserve this?

 

Friday, December 20, 8 pm

The dermatologist Grandmere visited yesterday, whoever they are, they should lose their license. Grandmere looks even scarier than usual.

Whoever was smart enough to hide all the mirrors in the Plaza should get the Nobel Peace Award. She would start the World War III if she saw her swollen face.

 

Friday, December 20, 8:30 pm

Wait – maybe she indeed saw her face? That would explain why I am the target of her anger.

Why does she see me as her punching bag? I mean, granddaughters are not supposed to be used as a stress reliever. We are supposed to be the first person that gets to try granny's delicious Christmas cookies.

Oh, right, I forgot. Grandmere is not from this planet.

 

Friday, December 20, 9 pm

This won't take long, right? I mean, I still have to pack.

 

Friday, December 20, 9:30 pm

It doesn't look like she'll be done soon. She just keeps going on and on.

 

Friday, December 20, 10 pm

I am getting a headache.

 

Friday, December 20, 10:30 pm

I just realized I haven't spoken to Michael today.

He doesn't even know I passed Trigonometry. He deserves to know, I mean, last week, due to the time difference, he was up half the night every day tutoring me on Skype.

 

Friday, December 20, 11 pm

**Grandmere's List Things I Am Allowed/Not Allowed To Do During This Christmas**

1\. Do not sneak out of formal events to play badminton (how could I? It's not like you invited Harry this year or anything)

2\. Do not talk about parking meters (can't you let it go? It was 3 years ago!).

3\. Do not talk about snails/throwing snails into the sea (I still think it was a great thing. When you die, Grandmere, I will make it an annual event. I will invite all the school kids and hire a ship and we will be throwing snails into the sea while sailing. I have it all planned out already)

4\. Do not talk about recycling bins (you mean, mention that I am in therapy?)

5\. Do not talk about the need of traffic lights in Genovia (why do you assume that I feel the need to badmouth Genovia? I love Genovia, I just dislike being its princess. You are totally paranoid, Grandmere. May I suggest you seek professional help?).

6\. Do not talk about the need of more animal shelters ANYWHERE (Firstly, we need animal shelters. Secondly, I am a princess and I should be supporting great causes. It is the only thing I like as a princess so why are you trying to take this away from me?).

7\. Do not talk about the endangered species being more important than financing wars (if people cared half as much for the environment as they do for oil, there would be no need to protect endangered species because no species would be endangered!).

8\. Do not talk about the need for improving the public transportation system in Genovia (did the minister from transport tell her that I spoke to him regarding making it free for all citizens of Genovia? Because Genovia could totally do that, we get enough money from tourists. If we don't repaint the palace every year but just once every five years, we could have free transport plus do you know how less polluted the air would be?).

9\. Do not invite any tourists into the palace (well, maybe if emergency personnel down at the beach were more qualified, I wouldn't need to do this two years ago. Ever thought about that, granny? Plus … aren't princesses supposed to be kind and generous? You are sending me mixed signals, Grandmere …)

10\. If someone mentions Norway, compliment it (I like Norway. Just not its cuisine. Do you know that people there don't lock the doors because there is virtually no crime there? Education is also totally free)

11\. If Arne's nephew asks you to dance, do not refuse (Grandmere, I am not just a piece of meat, have you ever noticed that?)

12\. Do not refuse meat – EAT EVERYTHING (I need to think of something. Since Pierre, the chef, is too afraid of Grandmere to make me a vegetarian meal)

13\. Do not bite your nails (here's how attentive my grandmother is. I stopped doing that a year ago!)

14\. Make sure your nail polish is intact at any given moment (I have people paid to do that for me. Tell them that)

15\. Do not walk around the palace wearing your pajamas (like I have ever done that)

16\. Do not walk around wearing those dreadful shirts Sebastiano made that have those promiscuous lyrics on (I hate Vigo for telling her the meaning of 'If You Seek Amy'. When Dad heard about that, it almost got Sebastiano deported from Genovia)

17\. Make sure you don't get food on your hair while eating (does she think I am a Neanderthal or something?)

18\. Make sure you don't have lipstick on your teeth when smiling (I'll just keep my mouth shut while smiling, noted)

19\. Make sure you don't step onto your dress while walking (well, why do I have to wear the long ones?)

20\. Make sure you don't fall downstairs when entering the room (oh, thank you for pointing out how imbalanced I am!)

21\. DO NOT FEED THE STRAY CATS! (she still hasn't forgotten about that? Well, what was I supposed to do? They were hungry!))

22\. Don't yawn in front of guests (maybe if you made sure the Genovian princess gets the required 8 hours of sleep every night, I wouldn't feel the need to yawn. Or maybe if for a change I was forced to do something not totally boring. I am a breathing creature?)

23\. Smile at everyone (I believe I am the one who always says thank you to servants? And I always wish them good morning?).

24\. Do not yell at the servants in front of the guests (are you confusing us, Grandmere? That's what you always do!).

25\. Do not stay up all night because princesses do not have dark circles under their eyes (it's not my fault if 11 pm is the only time when I can call Mum. The rest of the day I am always opening a new hospital wing, greeting new parrots in the Genovian ZOO or visiting graves of my dearly departed ancestors)

26\. Make sure you do not set the sleeve of the gentleman sitting beside you on fire (oh come on! I never did that! It was only in that stupid movie, which, by the way, broke Michael and me up)

27\. If something, god forbid, falls on the floor during the dinner, do not get up trying to pick it up! (look at the comment above)

28\. Do not start screaming if someone gives you anything made of animals for Christmas gift (I learned my lesson last year, trust me)

29\. Do not have any kind of sliding in your socks competition with anyone. Princesses do not do that (whatever, Grandmere. I already told Francois I am beating him this year, finally. You won't be with me for the entire trip. I mean, I'll be alone at least when you'll get Botox injections, right?)

30\. Do not throw up all over royal gardens just because you ate something that does not agree with your mental stomach (not fair. Rene did that not me.)

Seriously. Why doesn't she just forbid me from breathing?


	5. Chapter 5

Saturday, December 21, 2 am

Great. When Grandmere demanded my presence this evening, I thought it would only last an hour or maybe two (not that I told Tina that, of course. Then she would probably insist that I still show my face at the carnival.), not that I would only come home at 2 am. Will I ever stop being such an optimist when it comes to Grandmere? When it comes to anything even remotely pertaining to her, being a pessimist is pure realism.

Does she think I am dumb or something? My behavior really isn't that bad that would require 6 hours of preaching.

 

Saturday, December 21, 2:30 am

The limo is picking me up in 5 hours – how am I supposed to pack AND get some sleep in 5 hours?

Grandmere is always going on and on about what being a princess means - well, is this how a princess is supposed to be treated?

And then I get yelled at for looking tired?

All this stress will give me pimples. Not even that crazy expensive cream the palace's dermatologist prescribed me can fight against this amount of stress.

How can I look pretty 24/7 on demand if Grandmere keeps sabotaging me?

 

Saturday, December 21, 3 am

I am too tired to even open my suitcase.

How am I supposed to pack?

I'm gonna drink some of that magic powder Lilly got me that is supposed to keep you awake. She'd know what works best; I mean, she has to maintain a high GPA AND film a weekly show.

 

Saturday, December 21, 3:20 am

This stuff is surprisingly good.

And I can totally pack now.

Though I am not entirely sure what's the point of packing since Grandmere will mark every single piece of clothing I will bring with me to Genovia as 'inappropriate'.

I'm not saying that is a necessarily a bad thing. I mean, then she will ask Sebastiano to 'refresh' my wardrobe and he'll be totally happy to do that since he just adores creating stuff for me. And I'm telling you, his creations make my boobs look bigger and do wonders for my hips!

And then I'm surprised when she sabotages his own lines? He is too good to be let go of! If the world finds out what a fashion genius he is, every celebrity or a rich old byotch will try to steal him from us!

 

Saturday, December 21, 3:50 am

Mia, why don't you ever think ahead? Yeah, the magic powder packed everything – but I am not entirely sure it will help me sleep?

Great. I know exactly how these things work. Now I'll be super energized for a few hours and then I will literally fall into a coma for a few hours to regain my strength. Given my luck, that will happen right in the middle of Grandmere's fancy attempt to impress that banker.

 

Saturday, December 21, 4:30 am

**Great Things About This Year's Christmas In Genovia**

1\. René will be there. Nothing is ever boring when René's around.

2\. Sebastiano will be there and I will get a suitcase full of beautiful clothes to take home with me.

3\. I'll see Dad for the first time since summer - he is now too busy with his campaign to come to New York regularly.

4\. Pierre's delicious desserts.

5\. I'll get to spend a lot of time with homeless cats and dogs since I'll be promoting the new shelter.

6\. Sliding in socks with Francois.

7\. Seeing the palace's winter garden

8\. My skin will receive great daily treatment

9\. Rommel will see his own pet therapist again so maybe his OCD will get better.

10\. I'll be able to improve my French.

11\. Maybe Dad will finally realize I am mature enough for yet another try and he'll get me a laptop for Christmas (once again, it was not my fault that the second one I got stopped working. For some reason, Rommel liked it so much that he wanted to make it his own and … well … yeah - and Dad's argument that I shouldn't have left it on the floor is plain dumb. Where was I supposed to put it if HIS MOTHER occupied the whole table with her BAGS because, if you didn't know, the floor is too dirty for Vuitton bags?)

12\. Maybe it will turn out that someone is actually listening to me on daily bases and will buy me a snowball with my name in it that I find so unbelievably cute and so desperately want but, come on, how pathetic is it to buy one for yourself? Yeah, my faith in the good of the humanity is undying. Masochistic much, ay?

 

Saturday, December 21, 5:30 am

**Bad Things About This Year's Christmas In Genovia**

1\. René will be there and he will doubtlessly get me trouble. He always does.

2\. Sebastiano will be there. Meaning, I will have to stand on a footstool for hours modeling for his newest fashion idea that will doubtlessly be killed my McKiller of Joy AKA Dowager Princess.

3\. No Harry.

4\. I won't be able to attend Andrew's wedding.

5\. Dad will be working on his campaign, and though no one will say it out loud, everyone will be thinking it is all my fault.

6\. Dad will doubtlessly have a new brainless girlfriend (well, at least she'll be easy to buy a present for - lipstick always works)

7\. Pierre's delicious desserts will probably result in me needing larger jeans.

8\. Posing for new royal portraits. Is there anything more boring?

9\. No internet in the palace. Still.

10\. Not being able to call home when I wish to.

11\. Missing yet another Christmas with Rocky.

12\. Yet again not seeing the ball drop in Times Square.

13\. All the animals that had to be killed so that some sadist could make a bag Tante Jean Marie will buy me for Christmas

14\. Seeing the REAL Christmas tree on the main square will remind me just how much no one in Genovia listens to its own princess (WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FAKE ONE? WHAT?)

15\. No internet will mean no emails to or from Michael. And since I am not allowed to use a cell phone when in Genovia, I won't be able to call him either – astronomic telephone bill would raise some suspicion – I mean, who would I desperately be calling every night if not my boyfriend? And I am officially single.

16, Knowing Michael is probably having lunch at Number One Noodle Son or a coffee in Coffee Dante while I'll be dying of boredom in GENOVIA.

 

Why am I doing this to myself? I mean, really?

 

Saturday, December 21, 6:30 am

Great, dark circles under my eyes are back. I tried to out the corrector in them but they are still visible.

I guess I could blame Grandmere but it was me who drank that damn thing.

Well, at least I packed.

And almost broke my leg tripping over one of the bags when I tried to reach the kitchen with a dead light bulb in the hallway.

 

Saturday, December 21, 7:30 am

I don't want to go! I DON'T WANT TO GO!

When I hugged Rocky goodbye, he whispered if I was coming back for Christmas.

When I said no and he asked why not, I almost started crying.

Aren't princesses supposed to be taking care of the others? Well, what good does it do for this little boy when he realizes his big sister is not going to be celebrating Christmas with him? AGAIN?

After seeing the tears in his eyes I feel bad for only getting him that bed linen for Christmas.

 

Saturday, December 21, 8:30 am

Lars is going to Grand Canyon to practice his climbing skills with Wahim. He is super excited about it. He just won't shut up about it.

Well, thank you for reminding me of my miserable Christmas, Lars. Aren't you supposed to protect me from getting hurt?

Right, you can do nothing when it comes to emotional pain.

 

Saturday, December 21, 9 am

When we reached the airport, all I could think of was Michael will be here, right here in a few days.

$350 per day is not enough for this. It is just not enough.

 

Saturday, December 21, 9:30 am

She has so many bags. We will never be able to take off with that much luggage. Why doesn't she just Fedex some of them?

Oh, right, because princesses do not use commercial services!

 

Saturday, December 21, 10 am

Our flight is delayed. They didn't say why but it does not take a genius to figure out why.

TOO MUCH LUGGAGE.

The only thing calming me down right now is knowing that if we crash, I will go to heaven and she'll go to hell. And I will never, for all the eternity, have to face her again.

 

Saturday, December 21, 10:10 am

Though ... she is so scary with that tattooed eyeliner - I wouldn't be surprised if the devil sent her to heaven just to get rid of her.

 

Saturday, December 21, 10:30 am

Why is she calling pilots incompetent because we are still on the runway? THEY DIDN'T BEING A TON OF LUGGAGE WITH THEM!

 

Saturday, December 21, 10:40 am

And then she turns to me and says: "Amelia, we shall have a lovely time in Genovia this Christmas."

I should ask for hot tea – since my blood has just frozen.

 

Saturday, December 21, 10:50 am

I should get Twitter. I bet I'd be a world sensation.

Shame the princesses do not do pagan things such as tweeting, according to Grandmere.

 

Saturday, December 21, 11 am

We're finally in the air. Now maybe she'll become a bit nicer to everyone.

 

Saturday, December 21, 11:30 am

Yeah … not really. She just said that my skin looks terrible (she called it lack of care, I call it stress), that my eyes are red (she called it lack of sleep I call it Chanel No. 5 allergy), that I have dark circles under my eyes (she calls it carelessness, I call it IT IS YOUR FAULT!), that my nails make me look like a construction worker (how would she know how construction workers look like? I mean, she has never been anywhere close to any of them since she 'does not socialize with simple people') and that the lipstick I wear makes me look like a 'poulet' (I have never seen a hooker wear a maroon lipstick, have you? Not that I have seen that many hookers, though).

Seriously. How many bad remarks can you give between two breaths?

 

Saturday, December 21, 2 pm, somewhere above the Atlantic Ocean

Grandmere just asked me for a list of desired Christmas gifts. Since, you know, it is not like we spend every afternoon together so it is not like she has 365 days to figure out what I would like to get for Christmas.

Well, whatever, Grandmere, here you go:

**What I Would Like To Get For Christmas This Year**

1\. A new laptop.

2\. A snowball with my name in it.

3\. A new pair of black high heels Gucci boots

4\. Tickets to a Paramore show

5\. Mumford and Sons to play at my birthday party in May (Grandmere wants to hire Madonna.)

6\. Suzanne Collins to write another The Hunger Games book in which Katniss and Gale get together (ok, Mia, go back to materialism)

7\. New 020 Maroon lipstick

8\. René to finally stop smoking

9\. To go to Andrew's wedding

10\. Another bottle of my favorite Christina Aguilera perfume.

11\. A trip to Iceland, finally.

12\. My vegetarian beliefs to be respected.

13\. Stop being treated as a sex object by the media and my own grandmother.

14\. A chain of animal shelters in every country of the world.

15\. Louie to love me again

16\. To see Michael for Christmas

17\. Double dose of number #16

 

Yeah … I think the only things I am likely to get are … well, the new Gucci, thanks to René (not that this is a good thing – René buys all his female friends or relatives shoes because he is … well, not very creative. But at least he has good taste). Grandmere hates Paramore because she finds Hayley's hair to be pagan and the music utter noise; Mumford and Sons play on pagan instruments according to her (what does that even mean, I wonder? How can musical instruments be pagan? HOW?). And, of course, any perfume that costs less than $500 is commercialized in her book.

And she has always hated Louie.

I'll just say I don't care what she gets me; I'll be happy with everything as long as it doesn't have animal fur on.

 

Saturday, December 21, 5 pm, somewhere above the Atlantic Ocean

Her voice creeps under my skin

Is it wrong to feel this homicidal?

She's completely ignorant of my distress

This queen of purple, the queen of crabs

.

The lady in blue brought us food

Does she really not know Rommel despises tuna?

I'm forking my salad and the corn is good

Where's the rapid ascend to spill the soup across her lap?

.

The queen of guillotine screams out again

It's turbulence but a Sidecar must be made

Her pathetic puddle shrinks in fear

His Gucci coat is not enough to protect him from her cold

.

The Botox in her cheeks, her face

It makes her solid as a rock

The Gitanes in her hands are making her stoned

She talks of family honor, smoking me with toxins

.

The sign says no smoking here

She lit a stake

I would be burning in it

If she knew I am thinking of him


	6. Chapter 6

Sunday, December 22, Day One in Genovia

Is the life of a princess supposed to be exciting?

Well, right now it is mainly boring.

And tiring.

About an hour before we landed in Genovia, Grandmere finally realized that the airplane air won't get rid of dark circles under my eyes and told her personal beautician #2 (who has two beauticians at hand at any given moment? This isn't normal) to 'take care of that'. So the beautician went through her bag, found some super corrector and un, deux, trios, my face actually looked like it got 8 hours of sleep.

Then Grandmere cursed the pilots because they ordered her to put on the safety belt during landing (do you know who I am, young man? I am the princess of Genovia and I do not take orders from anyone! Change that tone or I'll get you fired on spot!).

And after we finally landed (10-minute delay because … well, let's just say we had a troublesome passenger), we ascended the stairs and smiled and waved at the reporters who gathered around the jet to welcome the royal family home. Francois appeared next to me and guided me to the parked limo when a glass of apple juice was waiting for me and a Sidecar for Grandmere.

Streets of Genovia were full of people who wanted to catch a glimpse of their princesses. So we rolled down the windows and waved at them too. I swear, one lady fainted when Grandmere screamed out that she loved her scarf (why would anyone want to be complimented by Grandmere? Why? It usually means you are wearing to much purple or are indirectly supporting killing animals for clothing).

Thirty minutes later we finally reached the palace. As usual, the front door was occupied by tourists and thanks to the wind they got a picture of Princess Mia having a bad hair day.

As we entered the palace, we were greeted by Dad (new girlfriend – TV broadcaster from the Netherlands. Very tall, skinny, blond and most likely below average intelligence).

Vigo, of course, was there too (Princess, you look even taller than the last time I saw you! Oh, thank you, Vigo. That is just what I wanted to hear - that I am no longer a toothpick; no, now I am an XXL toothpick!). He handed me a schedule of my Christmas holidays. I just put it into my diary. I learned something on the previous three Christmases here – they are never fun.

Then Sebastiano ran towards me. He screamed out (in translated version – he is still forgetting to say the last syllables) that the scarf I had on brought out the color of my face beautifully and that the lipstick made my lips look bigger (Grandmere looked like she just had a synaptic attack). He was just about to start talking about Andrew's wedding when luckily René came from around the corner and pushed him out of the way so that he too could hug me.

And after Grandmere went looking for someone to bathe her dog, René whispered if I was looking forward to Andrew's wedding.

"René, you know I can't go!"

"Can't is only a state of mind," he grinned at me, "of course you're going, we all are; Harry already booked his flight."

"Grandmere will kill me!" I exclaimed.

"Don't be funny; who'd she torture if she did that?" he winked at me.

I told you. There's always trouble when he's around.

Before I could protest any further, Grandmere came rushing towards me again.

"Amelia, as much as it is nice to see dear René again after such a long time, it is time for you to get dressed. Arne and his dear nephew Kjetil are already waiting in the salon for us!" she exclaimed. Her cheeks were totally red. Yes, my grandmother's cheeks were red because she was about to see a certain man.

Who is 17 here again?

So I went to my room with Sebastiano following me closely. When I entered, I realized he had a dozen creations waiting there for me.

A random day for a princess –flies across the ocean but needs no rest! Just a nice dress, lots of the corrector and another dose of whatever that powder was. How can Grandmere expect me to be on my best behavior? I feel like my eyes will roll back and I'll fall asleep.

"Stand the," Sebastiano pointed at the footstool. Luckily, some of his assistants helped me get on the damn thing because the lack of sleep made me completely uncoordinated.

It took Sebastiano 10 minutes to decide that a long blue dress would work best (blue? The last time he spoke he had that a mixture of orange and brown makes me look my prettiest?). Next, he opened a large box in the corner that was filled with shoes.

Finally something good happened – my feet are still the same size! I might be a XXL Toothpick now but at least the skis I have instead of my feet remained the same length!

Just as he was tried to squeeze my foot into this really cute white stiletto shoe, the door flung open and Paolo entered, as always accompanied by two blonds who carried two large bags. Dear whoever elected me as The Hottest Royal Under 20 – are you sure it wasn't just promotion for the lipstick I am using?

"Ah, Princess is finally back home!" Paolo exclaimed, walked straight to me and took my hands, then leaned closer and blew me a kiss for each cheek, "Ah, your hair! I see you have been using the shampoo I recommended in the summer! It increases the volume so beautifully, don't you think? Ah, what is this thing under your eyes? Terrible corrector, does not match our skin at all! Never mind, I am here to help! We are going to make you look so pretty!"

Do these people go to some kind of Academy where they teach you how to how to kill a girl's self-confidence?

And they didn't even let me eat! Seriously, Sebastiano keeps saying that I am his favorite cousin and that he loves me and all, but when I mentioned maybe getting something to eat, he just shook and said no way. Because apparently, the dress looks best when I am emaciated.

What is wrong with people? I am a princess not a skeleton from a runaway!

And then Grandmere will scream at ME when my stomach will start making noises in front of her banker!

So after an hour, the makeover duo, finally decided I had enough of chemicals on my skin. I am not saying I looked bad – I am just saying I would most likely look even better if I had that glow of a well-rested person around me. Not like they gave me anything that would help me stay awake – Sebastiano was too afraid that it would make his dress explode like a balloon on a needle while Paolo worried that it might ruin my lipstick.

Hello, we are talking about a human being here?

By the way, those beauticians Grandmere has hired, she should seriously fire them – apparently, nobody told her that sometimes less is more. The amount of makeup she had on made her look like a China Doll. And the purple dress, the purple scarf, the purple earrings, the purple shoes, the purple ring and the purple bracelet didn't help. Nor did the purple bag in which she kept Rommel, who, you won't believe, had on a purple shirt.

Did she just bathe in purple? Or is today the World Day of Purple?

"Ah, Amelia, good, let's go – and do not forget what I told you about behaving yourself!" she exclaimed (hello? I am not the one looking like I stood next to a volcano of purple when it exploded!) and grabbed my hand, starting to drag me towards the salon. Her tight grip will totally make my wrist look, well, purple tomorrow – seriously, she should seek professional help for this obsession she has with purple. Dr K never said anything directly, but I know every time she came to the therapy with me, he was thinking that she needed therapy more than I did. And given the state I am, it tells a lot.

So when she stopped in front of the entrance to the salon, I just knew it didn't mean anything good.

She maliciously turned to me.

"And, Amelia, please, try not to change any of Kjetil's – that's Arne's nephew, as you know – orientations?"

Like it was my fault that it turned out Andrew was gay.

Seriously, what did I do to deserve her for a grandmother? And what did the poor world do to deserve her as an inhabitant?

Grandmere has an armchair in the salon that only she is allowed to sit in. It has some fancy cushions on, supposedly made of the finest silk from Jordan and she is super sensitive about it. Last year she actually fired one of the servants on spot because he washed the cushions with the washing powder she disliked. Not to mention, she doesn't even let ROMMEL to sit on it.

And what she feels for that dog is the closest thing to love she can master.

I thought she would throw a fit when we entered the salon and Arne, her Norwegian banker, was sitting in the special armchair. But no, she just smiled (well, attempted to, at least. Whatever her dermatologist injected into her cheeks makes it look like the right side of her brain is not functioning properly).

"Arne, my dear friend!" she exclaimed.

"Clarisse! Is it just me or do you look younger every time I see you?" he jumped to his feet and took her hands. He then blew two kisses for each cheek and I was about to hurl.

Arne is in his mid-sixties, an avid hunter who is almost always dressed in green (I guess I understand why she likes him so much – they both have an unhealthy obsession with a certain color). He loves telling stories of his hunting days (first you kill innocent animals and then you brag about it?) and often picks up an accordion at parties (Grandmere, so when he plays it it's 'charming' but it is pagan with Mumford?).

"Is this your young granddaughter?" he exclaimed and walked up to me, "hello, Princess, nice to see you again!"

I just gave him my most polite smile.

Really, is he so clueless that he does not realize she only invites him over in hopes of his spending spree in Genovian casinos? Or better yet, on a gift for his generous hostess, preferably an expensive necklace made of blood diamonds.

Or maybe he is too aware of that and just wants some fine royal treatment? If so, the queen of manipulation has finally met her match.

"You remember my nephew, Kjetil?"

How could I forget him?

Kjetil is a few years older than me, a very tall and skinny guy with hair as blond as it can get. At the same time, he is super tanned because he spends his days in the Caribbean, drinking rum and hitting on waitresses. It is really not the best color combination but I guess his whole family has a bad taste in colors. No wonder why Sebastiano always shrinks when he sees them. In Sebastiano's eyes, bad color choices are the worst thing in the world. Besides polyester, of course.

Kjetil was too observed in staring at the ashtray in his hands to notice me. I saw one of the servants standing nearby, probably making sure the guest wouldn't try to sneak the ashtray out of the salon under his coat.

As I sat down next to him, Kjetil put down the ashtray and picked up a teaspoon. It spoke volumes about my socializing skills. He found a spoon to be a better company than me.

Just as I was about to tell him that the spoon had a symbol of Genovia engraved, he suddenly turned to me.

"So what do you guys do here for fun?" he asked.

I saw the smirk that appeared on the servant's face. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! IT HAS ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT I AM NOT A PARTY PRINCESS SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING ME OF THAT?

Honestly, I am like the perfect person to give you suggestions about partying in Genovia. Pretty much the only party I have ever seen here, with the exceptions of numerous Grandmere's quasi-entertaining events was that strip bowling Lilly was caught playing two years ago.

Seriously, these servants could write a book about my Genovian adventures.

I was about to tell him of the clubs near the casinos, when René plumped into the armchair next to mine, winking at me before turning to Kjetil.

"Well, hello, you must be Kjetil? I am René, the friend of the family, how you doin'? I heard you asking our little princess about partying here; well, that's more of my territory. Have you heard of the club Perk? It is right down by the beach …"

Luckily Grandmere was too impressed by Arne's never-ending flow of compliments (wait – is he aware that he is supposed to be the one buying expensive presents, not the other way around?) regarding her soft and tight skin to notice that notorious party boy of the Genovian royal family has joined the conversation. OR that my lack of sleep finally started catching up with me. I used every single trick to disguise my yawning I could remember but all I got out of was an aching jaw and René whispering my mascara is smudged.

Finally, after an hour Dad showed up with his girlfriend in tow (I believe her name is Natalia?), relieving me of princess duties till dinner. He offered to show our guests the weapon exhibition in Genovian Royal Museum which, of course, got Arne all excited.

Not to mention my excitement now that I can finally catch up on some sleep.

 

Sunday, December 22, later

How am I supposed to get this dress off me? It is so tight, I am afraid I'll rip it apart.

 

Sunday, December 22, later

What did Paolo put on my curls? It hurts when I lie down.

 

Sunday, December 22, later

Oh, and by the way, I just checked and the palace still doesn't have WiFi.

Aren't we worth 300 million dollars or something?

 

Sunday, December 22, later

I wonder what Michael's doing. He's probably packing for his trip back home.

I wonder if he's thinking of me. But probably he is too busy looking forward to having lunch at Number One Noodle Son.

And I wonder if he wants to kiss me as much I wish I could kiss him - but I guess he finds comfort in knowing he'll see his dog soon.

And I am hated by my cat.

 

Sunday, December 22, later

Sebastiano and René just burst into my room, waking me up. Sebastiano was carrying another one of his designs, this time a white dress with sparkly stones and René was looking rather messy in his formal clothing.

Rene was also laughing hysterically. After about half an hour I was told that Grandmere is on a verge of a breakdown. Her beautiful plan is shredding to pieces.

I don't think she expected Kjetil to bring along his girlfriend, who, according to René, is a rather stunning woman named Greta. But then again René finds the majority of breathing women stunning.

Anyway, René is now my consort for the night. Genovian attending events alone is apparently still a very bad publicity.

Why do I have such a bad feeling about this? Yes, I know the lack of sleep causes people to turn pessimistic and rather depressed, but I can just tell that this Christmas won't end well. It will be worse than parking meters three years ago. It will be worse than strip bowling and stray cats two years ago. And it will even be worse than us running away too Tuscany last year.

I just know.

 

Sunday, December 22, later

Wait – whatever René tries to force me to do, either sneaking to the kitchen in the middle of the dinner to try the desserts or joining the palace band for a song or two, I can still say no, right?

Plus, Dad will be there. And Grandmere. I imagine after last year they will be extra careful not to give me too much freedom.

Everything will be fine, Mia, you are just overreacting because you lack sleep. It is a completely normal reaction and you always do this. I mean, I totally wasn't sane when I thought Tina might try to kidnap me. I am neurotic, but that is a bit extreme even for me.

 

Monday, December 23, very, very early

Well, yesterday didn't end too well.

But I guess I should have seen it coming.

Oops, the doctor is here, I gotta go.


	7. Chapter 7

Monday, December 23

I don't understand why everyone is so angry.

I mean, Grandmere is furious. She has locked herself in her room leaving Rommel in the care of Vigo. She ordered enough ingredients for about a hundred Sidecars and she is making them HERSELF! Yes, I enraged Grandmere so much that she prefers making her own Sidecar to facing anyone!

Dad has locked himself in the sports quarters where he is playing squash or something since his doctor has told him it is a good stress reliever. Dad even sent Natalia to the spa because he cannot deal with her right now.

And looks like Pierre will be fired.

And René deported back to Italy or to any country that will want him.

Everyone is overreacting. I mean, it's not like I did it on purpose! It just … happened!

Though I guess I can understand why the PR team will say that I have flu. It might not be a good idea to tell the whole world why I am unable to attend any formal events today.

Here's what happened -

7:55 pm yesterday: I am still in my room. Sebastiano is walking around me, saying I look too pale in the dress. Apparently, I am not as tanned as I was in the summer when he made the sketch of this dress.

7:56: Sebastiano has a freak-out, worrying about what Grandmere will say because apparently I look like a walking plague. Or at least that what I think comes out of his mouth.

7:57: makeup team tries out another color of the lipstick but ultimately decides for the fadest shade of red.

7:58: last minute change of shoes: Sebastiano decides that white Gucci shoes work better with the dress than those in the shade of beige.

7:59: dinner is supposed to start in a minute and I am still in my room, trying to balance myself in new shoes, which, by the way, are a size too small. Sebastiano keeps saying my feet must have grown and does not want to even consider that he might have ordered the wrong size.

8:01: Sebastiano decides that he is doomed anyway and lets me go. I run down the hall to the dining quarters and surprisingly I don't fall. But I can feel the blister on my foot forming.

8:02: I meet René in front of the entrance. There's a smell of cigarettes around him and he looks rather flushed.

8:03: I tell René that his shoelaces are undone. He leans forward to tie them when he loses balance and falls over. He hits a nearby table and knocks over a vase. His shirt is now soaked with water. One of the servants has seen what happened and runs to help him.

8:04: we enter the room. Grandmere doesn't even notice us nor René's wet shirt; she is chatting away with Arne and I don't think I have seen the golden bracelet on her wrist before.

8:07: we greet all of our guests. Grandmere totally wasn't kidding when she said she planned to use Arne's visit for Genovia's benefit. She invited all the Genovian finance experts – well, at least all of those that are older than 70.

8:10: Kjetil introduces me to his girlfriend – René was right, she is stunning. She has long blond, slightly wavy hair, striking blue eyes, and curves. My inferiority complex kicks in.

8:21: am stuck listening to war stories of a former finance minister.

8:23: the palace band starts playing traditional Norwegian music. Grandmere starts clapping and singing along.

8:26: Grandmere goes on stage and joins the band for a song.

8:29: Arne joins Grandmere and they sing the duet. It is in Norwegian and I don't understand a word (when did she have time to learn it? Daily visit of which famous fashion designer did she cancel in order to have more time to study Norwegian?) but I am rather sure it is a duet from hell.

8:31: René too wants to go on stage but Grandmere pushes him away - I think she finally notices his wet shirt as he leaves the room immediately.

8:33: René returns wearing the same shirt and with his first wine bottle of the night in hands.

8:35: we sit down for dinner. I sit between René and an elderly man who, if I remember correctly, is a retired financial advisor to the biggest Genovian casino.

8:40: war stories have turned into hunting stories. I didn't know Genovia even has enough forests to produce so many anecdotes!

8:43: René tells me that hunting is actually a fun activity and not cruel to animals at all – apparently it is necessary to help nature maintain its balance. HOW CAN IT NOT BE CRUEL IF IT KILLS LIVING CREATURES? AND ENDS WITH EATING THEM?

8:48: the soup is brought. Things start looking up – it is not made of meat. It is Pierre's signature pea soup.

8:52: a gentleman sitting next to me hasn't moved in a while. I am afraid he might have died; Grandmere's singing voice is certainly harmful enough to cause damage.

8:53: René does not want to listen to my worries. I think it is because a new bottle of wine has just been brought. It is some expensive French brand René cannot afford.

8:55: the gentleman has finally moved. He is not dead. Yet.

8:57: my shoes become super tight all of a sudden. I try to take them off without using my hands or looking down but Grandmere sends me a warning look. Does she have multiple personalities or something? I mean, she totally looks 17 right now, being all flirty and laughing out loud – but which 17-year-old would care if someone in their 10-meter radius was taking their shoe off?

8:59: I notice that René keeps looking down at his lap.

9:03: I lean closer to René to see what he's looking at – he's watching Friends on his smartphone!

9:06: I start coughing into a napkin to hide my laughter.

9:19: the main course is brought – a steak and mashed potatoes with cooked carrots.

9:21: I look over my shoulder and see Pierre looking at me through the open kitchen door. He just shrugs apologetically – he was too afraid of Grandmere to make a special dish just for me.

9:23: great. Now what am I supposed to do? I don't eat meat!

9:25: is it too late to get some cyanide for Grandmere's Christmas present? I mean, obviously she won't get me anything I want.

9:33: Grandmere keeps looking at me, making sure I'll eat the meat.

9:34: now Dad starts looking at me too. Did he finally realize that his new girlfriend has boob implants?

9:39: I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, hoping the plates will be gone by the time I come back.

9:46: Natalia, Dad's girlfriend joins me in the bathroom. I am forced to listen to a rather loud phone call in her native language – I don't catch a word she says but she does not sound too pleased. Is she too a vegetarian?

9:48: dark circles under my eyes are back. I am chronically underslept.

9:51: I return to the table and my half-full plate is waiting on me. Grandmere sends me a malicious look.

9:52: Dad's phone starts ringing. He smiles mysteriously at me when he excuses himself and leaves the room. He completely ignores Grandmere's evil eyes focusing on him.

9:53: seriously, why am I not allowed keeping my phone in my purse during formal dinners? It would make everything so much more fun!

9:54: I guess it is because they don't think I have anyone to send texts to. Well, they are probably right even though they don't know it – due to this stupid time difference, it's middle of the night where Michael is. He wouldn't see my desperate texts till morning when I'd most likely be already sleeping.

9:56: I am getting desperate. The majority of people have empty plates in front of them but mine is still half full. And Grandmere is not pleased about it! I am not going to eat that meat! I just won't! Why can't anybody understand and respect my vegetarian beliefs?

9:57: I think I'll establish a law in Genovia that will make vegetarians equal to meat-eaters. I don't know how I'll do it but somehow I will. I mean, I am the princess, right? If Grandmere found a tattoo artist crazy enough to tattoo the eyeliner around her eyes, why couldn't I pass this bill?

9:58: but then again, traffic lights are still non-existing in Genovia. And I have been trying to change that for years now.

9:59: and smoking has still not been banned. And it most likely won't be as long as Dowager Princess is alive.

10:00: a loud noise comes out of the kitchen. Everyone turns to the kitchen door to see what is happening. When I look down at my plate, I see the meat is magically gone. Rene winks at me with his mouth full, then he grabs the bottle of the expensive wine again. I so owe him now.

10:02: Grandmere looks at me. She totally knows I wasn't the one who ate the meat. She doesn't approve it, at all.

10:05: René opens another bottle.

10:07: who ate Grandmere's food? She is looking at Arne as if she hasn't eaten in ten days.

10:11: René decides to go get another bottle of wine because he does not like the last wine he has opened.

10:12: I remember the last time René left the dinner 'to go check on something' – he was later found in front of a casino in Monaco, so intoxicated he didn't know his own name, wearing pants inside out. Afraid that something like this might happen again, I decide to follow him.

10:14: I find René in the kitchen where he's eating Pierre's desserts.

10:15: I tell René that we should return to the table as Grandmere is particularly sensitive this week because of her special guests. René tells me to stop being such a 'Mia'. Pierre starts telling me about the cakes he has prepared for the night.

10:17: the band starts playing again. Rene starts humming along as I give in and try Pierre's cake – the one he describes as 'hazelnut cake made with a combination of toasted hazelnuts and a soft meringue. This cake is then filled with a decadent hazelnut mousse and dark chocolate mousse. An extraordinary cake loaded with hazelnut flavor.' Whatever it is, it is delicious.

10:19: René who now doesn't look very sober anymore takes my hand and starts dancing with me around the kitchen. Since I don't have any balance in high heels and he is drunk, we crash into a pile of dirty dishes. Now René's shirt is not only wet but has a chocolate stain on.

10:21: we try to wash out the stain. One of the waitresses slaps him after he says 'how's it goin' babe?'.

10:23: Pierre asks me if I managed to convince Dad to 'spare the poor cat'. I have no idea what he is talking about since I haven't heard anything about any cat so I ask him what he means. Pierre tells me that for the past week a white cat has been seen wandering around royal gardens. Gardeners and janitors have tried to catch it but it always got away. So Dad called the local shelter and they are coming to get the cat in the morning. The waitress adds that the poor thing will most likely be put down because there are so many stray cats already plus this one seems unsocialized.

10:25: the thought of any cat being put down is just too horrible. From all people, my own DAD will give the kitty to the shelter where they'll KILL it? There's no way I am letting it happen. I drag René out to the gardens to help me find the cat.

10:29: René asks me what I plan to do after we find the cat. Hello? It doesn't take a super high IQ to figure this one out – I will save it from getting killed!

10:41: Rene feels that this situation is perfect to remind me of two years ago when I started feeding stray cats and it took the palace staff a whole week to get rid of them. After he says that this cat must be late for the party, I punch him in the shoulder. Luckily, this time he does not stagger back and hits anything – if he did, he would fall straight into the fountain.

10:42: well, maybe René taking a bath in the fountain would not be such a bad thing; maybe it would wash out the chocolate stain on his shirt.

10:44: René carefully says that maybe we should head back – we have been away from the table for a while. But honestly, I don't care what Grandmere does to me, I just want to save the cat. I mean, we are talking of a living creature here, how come nobody understands?

10:49: René starts complaining of the cold. Imagine how the cat must be feeling? Plus, he has all that alcohol in his veins to keep him warm. Besides, winters in Genovia are not by far cold enough for anyone to freeze to death.

10:53: Pierre rushes to us and says the desserts will be served in ten minutes so we should return to the dining room. I won't go anywhere until I find the cat. Maybe my own cat hates me but at least what I can do is save this innocent creature from certain death. Pierre, who guessed what my reaction would be, brings along a jacket and hands it to me so that I wouldn't catch a cold. And he offers to help us find the cat.

10:56: the winter garden is seriously beautiful. We have the best gardeners in the world. I must remember to pay them all a cruise around the Mediterranean as a thank you.

11:00: the cat is still missing and desserts are to be served so Pierre has to go inside.

11:05: René screams that he has found a cat. I run to him and see that a cat is hiding in the tree.

11:06: René asks what we will do now and I tell him we are getting the cat off the tree. Rene reluctantly agrees to climb the tree to get to the cat.

11:07: he starts climbing.

11:10: it turns out he is too drunk to climb.

11:11: whatever. My ancestors did such amazing things – Amelie established democracy in Genovia. Rosagunde … ok, maybe what she did wasn't so amazing but she was still a strong, determined woman – AND NOW I CANNOT EVEN SAVE ONE CAT? I have it in my blood to fight for what I believe in – even if it includes climbing the tree.

11:12: I start climbing. It is really not as difficult as I thought it would be.

11:13: I can almost touch the cat which is looking at me with its big, scared eyes when a heel of my Gucci breaks. My leg slides off the branch, I let out a scream but am not quick enough to grab the branch above me.

11:14: I crash to the ground.

11:15: I lie on the ground, unsure of what has just happened. Rene too is baffled and just stares at me, unsure of what to do.

11:16: the cat jumps off the tree, meows and runs away.

11:17: René seems to have woken up from his trance. Sadly, the first thing he does is start screaming: I KILLED THE PRINCESS! I KILLED THE PRINCESS!

11:18: Pierre comes running to us, accompanied by François, who has something that appears to be chocolate around his mouth.

11:19: I assure everyone that I am fine – well, minus the sprained ankle. But François does not listen – he shouts at René to go call the doctor.

11:20: Dad and Grandmere come rushing to us. When Grandmere sees me lying on the ground with a broken Gucci and a torn dress, she screams out for a Sidecar. Dad kneels in front of me and starts asking what happened. I tell him that I was just trying to sort out his mess since he sentenced the poor kitty to death. Grandmere screams that I must have bumped my head because I am talking about stray cats again.

11:22: René comes back. Kjetil is right behind him, holding his phone. He is about to take a picture of a Genovian princess lying on the ground but decides not to when Dad sends him a dirty look.

11:24: I reassure everyone that I am fine but Dad forbids me from getting up. He is not too sure of my self-diagnosis that I only have a sprained ankle. I tell him that I know how it feels when René interrupts me that feeling ok is completely normal after suffering a head trauma. I ask him what he means by that but Dad just screams at Pierre to accompany René inside.

11:26: royal doctor finally arrives. He confirms that I have hurt my ankle. François takes me to my room.

11:30: tea awaits me on my nightstand.

11:33: royal doctor says I am fine. I ask him if it is really normal for patients who suffer head injuries to initially feel perfectly fine and he says it is true. Then I ask him how can he then be sure that I have not suffered any head injuries. He just smiles and says he just does then he excuses and goes to talk to my Dad.

11:35: I am slowly sipping tea as I remember Natasha Richardson. She suffered brain bleed and the symptoms didn't start showing for the whole hour. Oh my god.

11:37: I get out of bed and run to the doctor who still talking to my Dad. I scream MY BRAIN MIGHT BE BLEEDING RIGHT NOW BUT THERE ARE NO SYMPTOMS YET YOU NEED TO SCAN MY HEAD. Grandmere asks what I am talking about and I tell her about Natasha Richardson. And people say following pop culture is a waste of time. It might have just saved my life.

11:40: doctor is trying to calm me as well as Grandmere down but it is not working. Grandmere: now listen to me, young man! My family has built the med school you have gone to and the hospital where you work nowadays! Am I really asking for too much when I ask you to take a good care of my granddaughter here? Mind you, we paid for your education and now we cannot even have her head scanned?

11:43: Grandmere is given a dose of sedatives and I am taken back to bed, the doctor once again reassuring me I am fine. Dad goes to get a Martini.

11:48: Sebastiano enters my room, upset and says he has heard 'I got kill'. I assure him that I am feeling better (if the doctor is to be believed). When he sees what has happened to my shoes, he looks on the verge of tears. Great, my cousin is less worried about me possibly bleeding to death than about the shoes. What is up with the Gucci, by the way? Why do the Gucci heels keep breaking right when I need them most?

00:25: Sebastiano is escorted out of my room because 'the princess needs rest'.

00:40: Dad enters the room to check on me but I pretend to be sleeping.

00:58: everything seems quiet so I get out of my bed to look for the phone. I guess I should let Michael know I arrived in Genovia and that things are well.

1:14: I cannot find my phone.

1:20: I hear steps outside my room so I rush back to my bed.

1:23: Grandmere enters my room but I am pretending to be sleeping again. Which, I guess, does work since the next time I look at the clock it is already 8.

So here I am now with a sprained ankle. Not that I am blaming the shoes but they played a big role in ruining Grandmere's dinner.

Well, at least the cat survived.


	8. Chapter 8

Tuesday, December 24, breakfast

I couldn't really write much yesterday since Dad took my diary away so that I would rest. Well, resting as much as you can rest when your crazy fashion designer cousin spends half the day by your side talking and planning new lines (just how many unfinished lines does he now have? Currently he wants to do one inspired by the seasons). When René sobered up, he too came. He apologized like crazy for letting me climb up the tree (I suspect Dad told him that he should say that. I think he actually found it quite funny. Well, it must have been fun, a princess wearing a long dress and high heels climbing up the tree …) and asked if there was anything he could do for me.

And there was. I borrowed his phone to call Michael (since I still cannot find my phone. Not that I would be allowed to call him but … still). I tried dialing his number at least twenty times but the number was not available. I guess he was on his flight back to New York.

Finally, I had to give up because the battery on René's phone died. He promised to let me borrow it again after he'd recharge it but since I doubt he knows where his recharger is, I don't think I'll get to call Michael today.

AGAIN.

Isn't all this technology supposed to make communication easier? Well, calling your boyfriend in Japan when you're in Genovia is probably still as difficult as it was in the Middle Ages.

 

Tuesday, December 24, after breakfast

Vigo just stopped by to ask me how I am feeling (I am relieved of any princess duties for today. I am MARVELOUS) and to tell me someone left me a message at the palace.

My heart skipped a beat when he told me that, thinking for a second that it must have been Michael.

Then the sane part of my brain realized it couldn't be him since … well, had he called me here, it would raise some suspicion. I mean, Grandmere has told pretty much anyone that I broke up with That Boy. Talk about being egocentric – everyone in the palace liked Michael when he came to visit two years ago. Numerous servants still ask me if my friend from New York is coming over during this holiday.

Anyway, it turned out the message was from Lilly. Apparently, she called on Sunday, but because of all the confusion that followed after I fell from that tree (seriously. Why is everyone making such a fuss about that?) the receptionists forgot to pass the message (who hired these people? Seriously? Oh, and whoever took the call wrote a note that the word 'freaking' is a replacement for 'a very bad word that starts with f' – what, do they think I am 6 or something? Or they did it because I usually swear in French?).

Here's what she said - Hey POG, I thought this might cheer you up since I know you think you have the worst Christmas out of everyone – it is freaking snowing here and it is freaking cold and in our building the freaking heating system freaking died so it means we are wearing the freaking coats all the time. Oh, and by the way, the snowstorms mean that all the incoming flights are cancelled until further notice meaning my brother can't come home for Christmas and since he was supposed to fly back already on the 26th because of some freaking conference in Tsukuba on the 27th (who the – has conferences during Christmas holidays? And don't you dare tell me that Japan because they have such a good work ethics!) there is a strong possibility that he is not coming to New York at all! Oh, and Tina says hi.

My heart breaks for her and all, but, seriously, at least she has WHITE CHRISTMAS! I am surrounded by palm trees! Yes, I do realize Christmas movies are basically a propaganda for shopping centers to sell lots of presents (have you ever seen a Christmas movie without a whole room of presents?), a cause for global warming to get even worse because according to Hollywood having a plastic tree equals being Grinch (WHAT IS WRONG WITH FAKE CHRISTMAS TREE? WHAT? You still get presents because it is not the tree that gives you presents but PEOPLE! How come no one realizes this?), an opportunity for mass clothing production to at least once per year beat fashion industry since fashion gurus appreciate themselves too much to sell ugly Christmas sweaters, a reason why electricians can afford a holiday on the Bahamas (imagine how much extra cash they get from all the Christmas lights) and, of course, an excuse for people to kill even more poor animals for meat, but – I MIGHT HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO THINK THIS WAY BUT I STILL THINK HAVING A WHITE CHRISTMAS IS NICE!

Actually, I have never ever had a white Christmas! I mean, I have been spending Christmases in Genovia since like ever, and if Genovia had snow for Christmas, then the global warming would have probably already erased all those little island countries in the Pacific Ocean off the world map. So, excuse me, Lilly, my heart breaks for you because you too have been denied your Michael time, but at least you have SNOW!

And you probably aren't on a forced bed rest with a strong possibility that your brain is bleeding and no one wants to scan your head.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Well, I might be suffering a brain bleed but at least my ankle is doing better. I can actually walk already.

So why am I not allowed to leave my bed again?

René said it is because there are reporters outside the palace and since the whole world thinks I am sick, it wouldn't be good if anyone took a picture of me wandering through royal gardens, because, you know, we can only afford good publicity now that elections are happening.

Especially any bad publicity about me since I am the main cause for the elections in the first place.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

I checked my email.

I know I should be the one to tell him that I arrived in Genovia safely (well, but then again if a plane with a Dowager Princess and a Princess of Genovia crashed, it would be all over news so he would know anyway) but I did kind of expect him to at least send me a 'I Love You' email or something. Since, come on, I am with GRANDMERE in GENOVIA doing PRINCESS STUFF. Doesn't he know me well enough to realize that I need any help I can get to survive this?

Or am I again losing myself in stupid fairytales I tend to write in my head? I am crushed every time I realize they are just that – fairytales. They aren't real and they do not happen. This is real life – it is just the opposite of fairytales where everyone suffers in the beginning but is happy in the end. Real life first pampers you and then it breaks you. I know, I have experienced it. Why am I so unable to learn from my past mistakes? It's like I have a memory of a goldfish.

Why am I getting so upset over the lack of emails? THE GUY IS REINVENTING HEART SURGERY AS I WRITE THIS! Why can't I be happy with what I have? If this is a sign of me being a perfectionist, then why can't I be a perfectionist when it does to my MATHS SKILLS?

Maybe this is a symptom of a brain bleed.

Great, I knew it.

OH STOP IT, MIA, YOU DO NOT HAVE A BRAIN BLEED! YOU HAVE THE BEST DOCTOR IN GENOVIA TREATING YOU!

I am just upset because I am not going to see Michael for a long, long time.

And I miss him so much.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Maybe his phone battery died and he cannot find a recharger?

And maybe there's no electricity where he is because of this snow?

Well, at least I am not thinking he has found himself a geisha. That's an improvement for me.

Should I call Dr Knutz and tell him I am indeed becoming more self-confident and less emotionally unstable?

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Rene said that a bottle of a fine French wine would doubtlessly cheer me up.

I assured him that his phone recharger would make me happier.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

I have the best grandmother ever! How could I ever doubt that?

Wait – did I say the best?

Rene said that she is definitely not happy with me, but he wasn't sure whether it was because of the tree incident or because Kjetil has a girlfriend that is way prettier than I am. Apparently Grandmere thinks now she has to do all the work herself. You know, making Arne fall in love with Genovia (ok, mainly the Dowager Princess but whatever).

I feel the love.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Another flaw in Christmas movies – they are all about family values and spending time with your family.

Dad too has left the palace to spend time with his what's-her-name girlfriend / attend another rendezvous regarding the elections (do politicians really have no life? But if I think about those politicians that attended Grandmere's pre-Christmas dinner-disaster, I am not that surprised, really) – René wasn't sure where he went, but anyway, isn't part of the reason why I am in Genovia during Christmas to spend time with Dad and Grandmere (ok, since Grandmere now basically lives in Plaza maybe this argument falls short)?

Well, where are they, let's spend time together!

I never thought I'd say this but thank god for Sebastiano and René. They are actually semi-entertaining.

But I bet they would be fully entertaining in New York.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Update on a cat: nobody has seen her yet, so apparently she is alive.

Update on my ankle: it is black.

Like literally black.

So black that it looks like I have gangrene. Not that I know how gangrene looks but it must look somehow like this.

Well, I guess having your leg amputated as a consequence of saving a life is kind of noble.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

I bet the doctor is tired of my complaints. He says I most definitely do not have gangrene and it is just a bruise.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Is sending your boyfriend three rather desperate emails too obsessive? I mean, since he still hasn't replied to the first?

René just laughs and says I am crazy but according to him sending three attention-needing emails is still not as drastic as traveling to Japan alone and unannounced.

But then again, I do not think René is a reliable source of relationship advice since I doubt he knows that a one night stand does not equal a healthy, functioning relationship I have with Michael or at least attempting/pretending to have.

 

Tuesday, December 24, later

Maybe the tree incident got me out of princess duties for a few days but Andrew's wedding, no, I still have to attend that.

Not just attend; Andrew wants me to be his … I don't know, a bridesmaid?

He said that if it wasn't for me, he still wouldn't be honest with himself and admit not just to others but mainly to himself who he really was. He said that thanks to me, he finally realized that the greatest and most difficult thing in life is to be true with yourself. If it wasn't for me, he would still suppress his real self in order to please his family and be the ideal son his father wanted him to be.

Basically, I am the reason why he is getting married in the first place.

Maybe HE has a brain bleed. I am not nearly as inspiring as he is making me sound like.

Really, how can I not go now?

But then again … Dad and Grandmere have been so attentive these past few days, they wouldn't even notice if I disappeared for a day.


	9. Chapter 9

Wednesday, December 25 - CHRISTMAS

Guess what? I got a permission to get out of bed!

It is Christmaaaaaaaaas!

 

Wednesday, December 25

Well, maybe it really is Christmas but my ankle is still black.

 

Wednesday, December 25

Yeah, my Christmas spirit passed away before fully blossoming.

Vigo just informed me that my bed rest is over. I am back to my royal schedule. Meaning, after opening presents I have to ...

Wait – what will I wear? I mean, I cannot show my black ankle in public!

Hohoho! There is Santa after all! No way Grandmere will let public see my black ankle!

Wait – unless they put me in boots.

She really is a Grinch, isn't she?

 

Wednesday, December 25

Dear Santa, if you really exist, please make sure my family will go back to being inattentive tomorrow morning. If I have to choose between being left alone / feeling sorry for myself and being with Grandmere 24/7, I prefer the self-pity, no matter how depressed Dr Knutz would find me to be.

I mean, come on, what kind of grandmother screams at her granddaughter for having a pimple on her chin? And then proceeds with threats of firing royal hairstylist because the curls (question – why would anyone need curls on Christmas morning?) she has make her look like a poulet (Grandmere needs to learn some new vocabulary ASAP! Being called a whore doesn't hurt me one bit anymore)?

You'd think my Dad would be offended if anyone, even his own mother, called me, his only DAUGHTER a whore, but, no, he just sat stoically with a coffee mug in his hands.

I am so running away to the wedding tomorrow. Maybe it will make Dad realize that we have problems in our family.

Grandmere was truly in her element during breakfast, which was a shame because Pierre made these really delicious pancakes in a shape of Santa (yes! Pancakes for breakfast! At least our chef has some Christmas spirit in him!). She informed René that the shirt he was wearing was too small for him and that the enhanced muscles he was trying to pull off made him look like a steroid-junkie/mafia wannabe.

Well, I have to admit, she was kind of right.

Tante Jean Marie just arrived. I guess it is time to open the presents.

Yaaaaaaay. Maybe somebody will remember and get me the snowball with Mia written in! It is not like I didn't tell anyone that I want it!

No, really, how many real-fur bags will I get this time?

 

Wednesday, December 25

**Mia's List of Received Christmas Gifts**

1\. Mum and Mr G got me cat slippers. They are super soft, warm and comfortable and a really thoughtful gift since I love cats and they are even orange but … it just reminded me that my own cat hates me. I think Christmas presents are supposed to make you happy and not depressed but … they meant well.

2\. Tante Jean Marie got me … drum roll … you guessed right, another fur bag, beige this time. I am too afraid to think of which animal had to die just so that Tante Jean Marie got to think that she had once again found a perfect gift for me. Is she senile? She must be, how could she have forgotten that a) she got me pretty much the same thing last year and b) I didn't like it last year. No, not 'like', I so totally hated it that I had an hour-long speech (ok …. Screaming session …) why the gift was wrong in every single way something can be wrong. Maybe the sight of a princess being such a spoilt, ungrateful brat was so shocking for Tante Jean Marie that she just deleted the whole incident out of her memory? Well, this year at least one good thing came out of it – I didn't freak out. I just sighed, forced a smile and said thank you (oh, and I wondered who I should give this bag to.). Hooray, apparently I am maturing!

3\. Hermès scarf from Grandmere. And it is even pretty!

4\. René, as always, got me Gucci boots. High heel black Gucci (rings a bell? I got a pretty much identical pair last Christmas … heels ended up in some Japanese street … I still can't believe the police didn't arrest me for destroying a pair of Gucci …). I have a special bond with Gucci, I guess. Third time's a charm, maybe this heel will last.

5\. Harry got me a Friends Season 1 DVDs. It kept Grandmere's mouth shut for a few minutes – I guess she didn't know whether to comment on the fact it was from Harry (I am officially forbidden from having any sort of contact with the guy) or that it was American sitcom, which, in Grandmere's mind, is a synonym for 'low-class humor' (yeah, I don't know what it means either).

6\. My family from Versailles, Indiana sent me an oversized, red and green Christmas sweater with Rudolph on front. At the sight of it Sebastiano fell off his chair and Grandmere lit another Gitanes, saying she hoped she'd never see me wear it. I think it was still a better present than that Mia the Barbie Doll they got me a few years back.

7\. Arne got me a green hunting hat, something I think is tied with that damned fur bag in the first place of the 'Most NO-NO Christmas Present for Mia' competition. How can the whole world know what kind of a haircut I have and how terrible I am at bowling yet nobody knows I am against hunting and killing animals for food and fun? Grandmere, of course, was totally psyched, saying how kind of Arne to get me a present; when she discovered she basically got the same thing, she put it on, forced me to do the same and then said we are totally going hunting with Arne soon. Excuse me Grandmere but NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

8\. Kjetil got me some weirdly smelling perfume. Rene later told me it can be bought for 9.99 per bottle pretty much everywhere and that he used to buy it for his girlfriends all the time. So in the language of everyday people, it means I got a 'thanks for a booty call, have a great life' perfume. Kjetil, just because my own grandmother calls me a hooker, it does not mean, I actually am one. Please don't tell me you actually believe that is an EYELINER under Grandmere's eyes?

9\. Dad's girlfriend, whose name is Natalia as I rediscovered got me a facial cream. It smells nice and I know for a fact that it costs more than 10 bucks. Very thoughtful of her but I guess when women buy things for women, they kind of cannot miss with cosmetics.

10\. Dad got me a very cute silver bracelet.

11\. I think Paolo tried to tell me I need to take better care of my nails since I got a nail care kit from him. Did seriously no one notice that I stopped biting my nails LAST YEAR?

12\. Pierre is seriously on the mission to fatten me up so much that I won't fit in any of my dresses anymore, is he working with Monaco? I know Grandmere suspects they are trying to sabotage us. He got me a box of my favorite chocolates.

13\. A beautiful self-made belt from Sebastiano. Let me tell you, having a fashion designer for a cousin ROCKS!

14\. A notepad from Vigo. So that I would be able to write down all my royal obligations. Um … I have a phone for that. And the whole palace.

15\. The ''How much you know about Genovia'' quiz from Francois. Francois is an avid fan of Eurovision Song Contest and he was shocked when he discovered I didn't know the lyrics to the song that was Genovia's biggest hit so far in the competition. He said that although it is very important that I know all historical facts about Genovia and its history, I should also be familiar with its pop culture. Which I have to say, I totally agree with. (oh, by the way, with the gift also came a hidden message that the sliding in socks competition is on later this evening. I winked at him to confirm my participation – if, of course, it does not turn out that the doc was wrong and I actually have gangrene)

16\. Lars, who is currently climbing the Grand Canyon, sent me a package of my favorite mixture for hot chocolate. My comfort food, how did he know? Oh, right, because he is always with me.

17\. Andrew and his fiancé got me very cute gloves. They have little (fake) crystals on. Grandmere once again completely ignored the present. It was probably the fake crystals (according to her, princesses do not have anything that is fake). Or maybe it was because it was from Andrew? By the way, what is up with Grandmere hating pretty much every guy I get along with? Her hatred (I know she will not call it that but come on, we all know!) for Michael is legendary. At first, she wanted me to marry René, she loved him when I found him annoying but the moment I started getting along well with the guy, she switched sides, stating he is too wild for me. She was the one who introduced me to Harry and regretted it the moment I sneaked out of that dinner to play badminton with him. She tried to hook me up with Andrew, saying he was the greatest guy ever … but totally stopped talking about him when it turned out he was gay … Actually, the only guy she has constantly liked is JP.

18\. Speaking of JP, he got me a keychain that says 'friends forever'.

19\. Lana and Trish sent me very exposing lingerie … René burst out laughing, Dad ordered for another Martini and Grandmere looked somehow approvingly … I just stashed it back into the box. I am never opening it again.

20\. Lilly got me a book of 'S*** Happens so Get Over It' quotes. Very funny. Who cursed into the phone again?

21\. I almost started crying when I opened Tina's gift. A big teddy bear, holding a heart that says 'I Am Sorry'. Actually, I got her an almost identical gift.

22\. 10 Best English Teas from Will and Kate (note to self: call Kate and ask her when you can come over for a visit.)

23\. A new pajama from Shameeka. A totally tasteful one, may I add. It is red and it has 'I love you will all my heart' written on.

24\. Ling Su and Perin sent me my favorite Jane Austin novel.

25\. Boris sent me a 'Music for relaxation' CD. I totally don't understand this present. Why would I need relaxation? Really?

26\. Can't believe Hank remembered. He is still a very famous model. I guess he cherishes those few days we spent together way more than I do. He got me a very cute hair pin.

27\. And I can't believe I got a present from that guy Grandmere hired to teach me how to ski last year! I mean, yeah, I guess I can understand why he remembers me since I saw the number of zeroes on the check Grandmere gave him. And, of course, he is a coach for the national team, he doesn't usually work with disasters like Princess Mia of Genovia … I guess I was pretty memorable. I mean, WE were. I, Grandmere and Rommel. I don't think it is an everyday occurrence that you get hired by a woman with an OCD dog that wants you to teach her totally uncoordinated granddaughter how to ski. In the end, the granddaughter doesn't get injured because she would be physically challenged but because the rat-looking dog runs towards her, barking as loud as his hairless body allows him and she tries to avoid him, spraining her ankle. Anyway, the guy sent me ski goggles, really colorful goggles. They are totally pretty, shame I will never ever ski again.

Overall, I got great gifts this year! Even though I didn't get the two things I wanted most … Michael and that snowball …

But! I think the presents will get even better! See, just as I was about to go back to my room to change (since I got a clean bill of health, Grandmere is taking me to a TV station when we will greet the Genovians) Dad stopped me.

"Mia, actually, your bracelet is not the real gift. I just had to get you something … since your real gift is delayed," he whispered.

You know what that means?

Well, I don't KNOW KNOW but I am pretty sure I know! HE IS GETTING ME A NEW LAPTOP! I AM FINALLY GETTING A NEW LAPTOP!

If, of course, I don't mess up the TV broadcast so bad Grandmere will kill me on spot.

Which, if you think about it, wouldn't be such a shock.

 

Wednesday, December 25, very late

Why can't I be more like Grandmere?

Really, she can be a world-class byotch sometimes but in some aspects, she makes a great role model.

For example, she is great when it comes to learning from your previous mistakes.

Like that mistake she made three years ago when she allowed her granddaughter to have a public speech that led to a whole month of arguing in the parliament why Genovia could benefit from parking meters.

This year, the only thing I was allowed to say was ''hello, Genovia'', ''I am honored to be your princess'' and ''Merry Christmas, Genovia''.

And I was right – she totally kicked up a fuss about my black ankle. She sent Vigo back to the palace to get me a pair of 'tasteful' boots. After he came back, he just turned around and went back because she realized the boots don't match the dress I had on. He returned ten minutes later with Sebastiano who brought along a whole suitcase of clothes. He suggested I wear skinny jeans, a sweater and the Hermes scarf which of course meant that Grandmere needed three Sidecars to start breathing normally. Because, hello, how PAGAN it is for a princess to appear on her country's only TV station wearing something as simple and every day as JEANS?

By then our TV greeting was already delayed for almost half an hour. Because the channel was planning to broadcast some major skiing race afterward (skiing is surprisingly popular here in Europe, even in Genovia although we do not have any really successful skiers. The lady that cleans my room (and keeps saying that I do not have to bother with making my own bed because she gets paid for doing it instead of me) even asked if I could get her tickets to some races when she found out I am in some sort of a contact with that coach that sent me a Christmas gift) the producer was totally nervous. Finally, he suggested we only sit behind the table and say our speech into the camera. I thought for a second that Grandmere would bite his head off but to our relief, she agreed. So I had to change back into my dress and, yeah, she poured down another Sidecar and we were ready to go.

Well, she and Dad were, I just smiled at the camera and said those three phrases. In the end, Grandmere actually looked astonished I managed not to mess it up.

Now I am off to the sliding in socks competition. I hope Grandmere drank too much today to still be up.

 

Thursday, December 26, very, very early

Francois and I were joined by René, Sebastiano, and Pierre.

Rene came with a bottle in his hands (well, at least he does not smoke when he's with me. His liver isn't grateful for all this alcohol but at least lungs can thank me) and a long speech that I was ok on TV and shouldn't obsess myself with it.

Sebastiano still looked upset because Clarisse called his look 'simple and everyday'. But he did say that I looked very pretty.

Pierre had been trying out some new recipes for desserts and he brought us the results. Let me just say that it is kind of difficult to focus on sliding in socks when there's chocolate cake in front of you, especially after spending the whole day walking around with your ankle being black although it is not because of gangrene.

Because René was too drunk to have any balance, Pierre had to hold the plates, Sebastiano was too distraught and I in too much pain, I guess it isn't surprising that Francois was the only interested competitor and won with a single slide.

I am too tired to report more.

 

Thursday, December 26, still very, very early

How could I forget?

Andrew is getting married today. And I am going to his wedding.

Meaning, I am running away again.

Rene just burst into my room, waking me up. He said now it was a perfect timing. Even though it is only 5 am (yes, 5 am. And then people wonder why I have dark circles under my eyes?), Grandmere has already gone out – according to René who, god knows how, knows everything about everything and everyone in the palace (I don't even want to know where he gets his intel) she went with Arne on a day-long trek around Genovia. He said he is quite sure she isn't coming back before the evening.

And Dad too is gone from the palace. Apparently, he went to the airport to wait for some guy who is flying in today (great. another politician I will have to entertain in the upcoming days. I bet it is some financial adviser from god knows where, brought in to advise Grandmere how to earn more money in the casinos. Or maybe he is some tourism guru. Great. More tourists who will be destroying Genovia's monuments and fragile nature! As if we don't have enough problems with our own garbage already!)

Anyway, it is a perfect timing for us to leave.


	10. Chapter 10

Friday, December 27

O.H. M.Y. G.O.D.

What have I done?

What have WE done?

Before we left the palace, we made sure we told as many people as possible that we were off to Monaco to greet some of our cousins. Then we took the car (René somehow managed to sober up in less than five hours. Respect. Or maybe I was just too tired to care about his intoxication. Oh my god, what was I thinking? No wonder it all ended the way it did if it already started so horribly!) and indeed drove to Monaco where we boarded the train.

Although I was planning on sleeping, I didn't sleep one bit. When the lady with a trolley came, René decided to buy every kind of candy she was selling. Let me just say Europe has some delicious sweets, not to mention chocolate.

Sebastiano, who as a fashion designer was chosen to dress groom & groom, was all mysterious about what he has prepared and to be honest, his bag looked way too small to be containing two wedding outfits. But all René and I got out of his was that he had everything planned out.

And indeed he had. When we reached Spain, Harry was already waiting for us at the train station. When he and Sebastiano winked at each other, well, that was when things started to fall apart. It turned out Harry knew everything about Sebastiano's plan – Sebastiano kind of didn't have a choice since Harry is the only one from our group that has, well, money. My spendings are still heavily controlled by Dad who surely wouldn't be pleased to see I had a major spending spree somewhere in Spain. René is, well, broke. Sebastiano's lines haven't been very successful yet, mainly because he still has to finish at least one. His creations are financed by the Genovian royal family so … yeah, Harry truly was the only one who could finance the great wedding Sebastiano had planned.

So we took a cab and imagine my surprise when it stopped in front of the wedding salon. Where they sell bridal gowns 

BRIDAL GOWNS.

For women that get married.

"Um …" I said, "why are we here?"

Harry looked at me as if I was crazy.

"To buy a wedding gown, what did you think?"

"Yeah … but … last time I checked there were two grooms?"

"There still are. We are not buying it for them," Harry said patiently, "it is for you, Genovia."

Ok. Did he just say what I think he did?

For me? A bridal gown? Do I indeed have amnesia and this is somehow my wedding day and I forgot?

Well, of course it was too good to be true. I mean, there's no way I am ever getting a wedding that does not include Grandmere, has plenty of vegetarian plates and a complete absence of TV cameras.

"Um … why? It is not like I am getting married?"

"They ask me to plan something spec for them," Sebastiano explained, "since their wed is not the most traditional, they wanted some to ephasi this fact. And I thought – why don't we switch clothes? The wed couple in norm clothing and the best men – that's bridesmaid for you, Amelie – in tradition wed clothes. Geni, don't you think?"

His eyes sparkled as he spoke. And I admit, his idea did sound good – minus the whole ME IN A WEDDING DRESS aspect.

"Um … yeah, but it is a wedding gown, Sebastiano."

"I know! That is the great part of everything!"

"Why are we buying one? Why didn't you make one?"

"I had too lit time. Besides, it would look suspi, don't you think, me making a wed dress?"

He could say that it was for his new line but I didn't say anything.

He took my hand.

"I prom, when you get married, I will make you the great wed dress that ever was! Now, let's go shop!"

And since Sebastiano is a great designer and always makes beautiful clothes for me, I actually believed his words. That he will make a wedding dress of my dreams, I mean.

Shopping for a wedding gown was actually fun (well, after the shop assistant got over the fact I was a rather young woman buying a wedding dress with three guys). I don't know how Lilly hasn't gotten an idea yet to film an episode of her show regarding wedding dresses. It is so difficult to buy one, even if it isn't for you actual wedding! There were so many and somehow none was just right. Some were too long, others were too tight, some were too open, others were too conservative even for my liking, some were just plain whore-ishly looking, some had veils that were just off and some were just breathtakingly beautiful.

"You know, the girl I was dating last month, that exchange student from Vietnam?" René said somewhere in the middle of me trying on pretty much everything (I think I was shop assistant's worst nightmare – a 'bride' that had no idea what she wanted, therefore had to see and try on everything), "she said traditional wedding dresses there are red."

"No! Not in my plan!" Sebastiano shivered at the thought of a red wedding dress.

"You do realize why dresses are white, right? It is a tradition…" started René but was interrupted by Harry.

"They were made famous by Queen Victoria…"

"This is not about your textbook knowledge, Harry. The dress is white for a reason – it symbolizes a woman's purity and innocence, which, in the 21st century where the majority of women loses their virginity before 16, is a complete nonsense. Basically, it is not surprising that so many marriages end in divorce if even a wedding is some crazy illusion and one of its biggest parts is, well, a lie."

Seriously. He and Lilly would get along perfectly. They are both masters in wrecking my dreams. Which girl doesn't dream about a white wedding?

And who even cares why the dress is white? IT JUST IS!

"René, I don't think women are choosing white because they want to create an illusion that they are virgins. They pick it just because … well, it is a tradition," I argued.

"And tradition says white dress represents purity. You can't just take one part of the tradition and dismiss the other one."

"By your logic, it is best to just say screw you, tradition and do things your own way, in a completely unconventional way?" I asked.

"Seriously, BC, it wouldn't hurt if you thought so too," he said.

"Why? Just because a dress is a representation of a lie I should just ditch every other aspect of a white wedding?"

"I am not talking about the wedding, I am saying…"

"Leave it, René. He isn't saying anything, Genovia," smiled Harry.

"No, he was saying something. What were you saying, René?"

"He wasn't saying anything," Harry insisted and turned to the shop assistant, "seriously, I am going to spend some money in here, can't you get her something that will actually look good on her?!"

"Wed dress has to be white and big," said Sebastiano.

"Well, René is right about one part – no matter how beautiful the dress is or how expensive, it does not promise a good marriage," said Harry.

"Which is why I don't understand this whole crap about oh, I have to find the perfect dress! If women spent half the time they dream about the dress on finding Mr Charming, there wouldn't be so many divorces. I don't really believe in weddings but if you insist on having one, just sign the damn paper wearing normal clothes and have a person you truly love by your side."

"Can we please foc on my plan?" begged Sebastiano.

"Absolutely," René rolled his eyes. "All this wedding crap makes me wanna smoke."

"No!" I screamed. "René, you promised you wouldn't smoke this Christmas!"

"BC, Christmas was over yesterday."

"You said you wouldn't smoke this holiday! And stop calling me BC, it is annoying!"

"Relax, BC, one smoke won't kill me!"

"It will because then you will want another one and another one! Smoking is bad for your health!"

"Well, we all die of something, right?" he shrugged and to my horror got up and walked out of the salon and lit a cigarette.

What was I saying yesterday? That I am super mature because I didn't scream when Tante Jean Marie gave me a real fur for Christmas?

Well, I do not think mature women run out of a wedding salon wearing a WEDDING GOWN because their cousin lit a cigarette. And most definitely they do not take it out of their mouth and throw it on the sidewalk.

"Hey!" René screamed.

"No! I won't let you smoke, do you know each cigarette takes 10 seconds off your life?"

"Don't believe everything that sounds scientific. Science is like statistics – both sound super serious and true and people think they don't lie. Well, people who present them lie. Relax, BC!"

And he grabbed the pack of cigarettes to light another. And once again I took it from his hands, then walked to the nearest trash bin and threw it in.

Harry was observing everything with an amused look on his face.

"Well, I guess we found your perfect wedding dress, Genovia. We'll take it!"

We didn't have any choice, really. While saving René's lungs I totally forgot what I was wearing. So all the dirt off the sidewalk ended up on the bottom of the wedding dress. The shop assistant was so pale it looked like she was about to faint.

Well, the color came back to her face when Harry left a considerable tip.

I should just stop saying I am mature. It is more than obvious that I will never ever be a mature woman.

I blame my neuroticism.

And yes, things got even worse.

Andrew and his fiancé decided to get married in a small church on the outskirts of the city. They reserved it for the whole day so both the ceremony and the reception were to happen there.

As we walked in, we realized that the front rows were removed and replaced by the gigantic white piano. The way to the altar was decorated with vases containing beautiful white lilies. In the corner stood a large table with many plates, bottles, and glasses.

Everything looked super traditional.

Well, at least till the ceremony started.

Harry's job was to take photos. He was running around, I don't think fully knowing how the camera worked. René sat behind the piano and I was kind of surprised since I didn't know he knew how to play the piano. Well, I was right; his wedding march sounded more like an intro into some horror movie.

So Sebastiano and I were best men. Or maybe I was a bridesmaid, I am not entirely sure. Either way, it looked like we were getting married, at least to somebody who would judge by our clothes. I almost didn't recognize Sebastiano when he appeared, so classically dressed; usually he has on crazy designs, unconventional shapes, patterns, materials, and colors. He looked really nice, I have to admit.

Groom and Groom … their clothes were … colorful, it looked like they were wearing a rainbow. And it totally suited them, they both looked so HAPPY! I thought back to the summer, when I met Andrew. He looked so vacant, unhappy and tamed in some way. Well, I guess he was like a caged bird, trapped by his family's name, reputation and struggling to live up to the expectations. He felt like a failure – both to his family because he couldn't be what they wanted him to be, and maybe even more importantly, to himself. I mean, he was consciously suppressing who he really was, living an act.

But now he was free. He was being himself, totally carefree, no longer tied down because of his family. I knew they didn't take the news too well but he didn't really care. 'In the end people who accept you for who you are matter, not the ones who think there is something wrong with you because you don't fit their vision of perfect' he always says.

And I do think he is right.

They were married by a guy who looked like Elvis. They said the traditional vows and as Elvis pronounced them 'husband and husband' we all started clapping.

René even jumped on the piano, pulling a bottle of champagne out of nowhere and started spraying us all with champagne. He poured the remaining liquor down his throat and then opened another bottle.

The music started playing and we were all dancing to Katy Perry (You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream; The way you turn me on, I can't sleep; Let's run away and don't ever look back). We ate fish&chips and ... I don't know. Do you know that feeling when you are dancing and screaming and having a good time, feeling completely free (oh, yeah, running away gives you such feeling of freedom and power, it is rather intoxicating, really!) and you should be HAPPY but somehow that perfect happiness is just of out of reach because someone is not there?

Yeah, I wish I didn't know the feeling either.

Maybe I was just missing Michael, I don't know. And I know I should not build my life around a relationship and I shouldn't let it define me. I need to be happy even without him. And I am. I mean, I was happy, just … seeing the happy couple reminded me that Michael and I could be like them. You know, together.

If it wasn't for my stupid royal status.

Because let's face it, if I wasn't a princess, things would be so much easier. For example, I could have a wedding just like this one. Simple, spontaneous. But what I will get will be the social event of the year, maybe decade, I won't know half the people invited, I'll be eating food I won't like and I most definitely won't pick the cake, the music the vows yet alone the dress (I know Sebastiano said he will make me the greatest dress but as long as Grandmere is alive, I am not getting my hopes up). Oh, and not to mention, there will be CAMERAS there. Cameras that will broadcast my wedding to the entire world. And, you know what that fortune teller lady told me. She didn't say Michael would be the one waiting on me at the altar. No; she said it would be a farmer.

So, yeah, I didn't really hesitate when René handed me another glass of champagne.

And I am not blaming the champagne for what I ended up doing. I am just saying other factors might have contributed to my decision.

Anyway, the music was getting louder and the number of empty bottles was increasing. René climbed on the piano to dance and it was actually really funny until … well, let's just say René broke the piano.

And then it was time to go, if we wanted to return to Genovia at some reasonable hour.

Just before René, Sebastiano and I left, Harry leaned closer to me.

"Mia, please tell me you learned something from this wedding?" he whispered.

But before I could ask him what he meant by that, René pushed another bottle of champagne into my hands and started dragging me towards the exit. So I just blew kisses to groom and groom. We almost missed the train. We caught it just in time, thanks to my special ability to run in high heels, in a wedding dress, holding bottles of champagne, because, according to René, alcohol is not cheap so take as much of it as you can when it is free.

And yes, it got worse. See, on our way back to Monaco there were some problems on the railway so the train stopped at one station in France and it didn't move for the whole eternity.

We got tired of sitting on the train (it is amazing, the level of high energy a few glasses of champagne give you!) so we went off and decided to walk around the city. And since moving was rather difficult in a long dress, I just tear away the bottom part.

Not only a Gucci destroyer, from now on I am also ruining wedding gowns.

And as we were in the city, we passed the hairdresser's and … I totally blame the alcohol, it wasn't me, it was the champagne! Because it couldn't have been ME who decided it was time for a makeover!

Or maybe it was a herd instinct since … well, we all had an extreme makeover.

Maybe mine wasn't as extreme as theirs. I mean, yeah, I wasn't completely sober but René and Sebastiano were far from being anywhere near sober.

Sebastiano shaved half of his hair off and the hair he has left is now in some kind of a Mohawk. Rene dyed his hair blue. Yes, as blue BLUE. And as of me … maybe I have been listening to too much Paramore lately because now my hair is in color of a carrot.

Yes, I have orange hair.

And of course our makeover took so much time that we missed the train. We had to wait two hours till the next one (I have such great luck with trains, don't I? remember how many trains I missed while I was in Japan?). When we finally reached Monaco, René was of course too drunk to drive back to the palace so we walked. And since I am no Carrie Bradshaw, of course I couldn't walk that far in my wedding shoes, so I just took them off and walked the entire way barefoot.

We didn't get to the palace till like five in the morning because … let's say we might have gotten lost a few times. And certainly it took us a while looking for an entrance to the palace that was unlocked. In the end, we just woke Pierre up by throwing rocks into his bedroom window. I am surprised it didn't break.

I stashed the wedding dress into my suitcase but I really have no idea how I will manage to hide it from my maids and, more importantly, GRANDMERE. I guess as soon as I reached my bed, the alcohol effect wore off because all I remember is lying down. Next memory I have is waking up at 11, way past breakfast time.

And of course, the shock I got when I looked myself in the mirror and saw I wasn't just dreaming of having orange hair.

How I'll explain this to Dad and Grandmere, I have no idea. But I guess I better go face my fate because … I already overslept breakfast. No way I'll survive missing the lunch as well.

I am so tired.


	11. Chapter 11

Friday, December 27, later

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.

Just breathe. BREATHE.

I CAN'T!

I mean, I can breathe but it is not HELPING!

I think something was wrong with the hair dye the hairdresser in France used. It must have some weird substances in. it is the only explanation. Because this ... is not happening. It cannot be happening. Stuff like this does not happen to me. EVER.

Oh my god, what if this is coma? This is coma, isn't it? That hair dye was poisonous! AND NOW PROBABLY EVEN MY ORGANS ARE TOO DAMAGED TO BE DONATED.

I know it is not because of that champagne I drank yesterday. I mean, yeah, I was drunk enough to dye my hair ORANGE but I didn't drink enough to BE THIS DELUSIONAL!

But this cannot be real. It cannot be. It would mean that … they know.

And them knowing would cause a World War III.

Or at least a mass murder.

Oh my god, how did this happen? I can usually reconstruct my meltdowns but this one … what did I do wrong? I just don't get it.

There must be some hidden motive behind this. It just must be. Because kindness of this scale does not exist.

Not in the Genovian Royal family. Because this is the blackmail material that will last forever. Now I am forever tied to this royal business. If I ever just think of skipping some royal duty, all Dad has to do is just say 'Hey, Mia, remember that Christmas …'

This has to be some sort of human rights violation. I am totally calling Lilly, she knows everything about this stuff.

Or ... maybe I should not be making that call. I don't think she would be too happy if she knew …

I walked down the hall to the dining room. I was so caught up in my orange hair and oversleeping breakfast that I totally forgot to change. So not only my hair was orange and I was late, I was wearing my pajamas.

Hmmm … maybe this is hangover after all. No way would I forget to dress before walking around the palace if I was sober. I might suck at being a princess but I do know princesses do not attend breakfast in their pajamas.

At least Genovians ones don't. Though personally, I don't really see what's so wrong about that.

I was convinced Grandmere was off to another rendezvous with her desired paramour. What other reason could she possibly have for not barging into my room yet? No, I didn't forget the possibility that I was more screwed than I thought; I just suppressed it. She is totally capable of letting me sleep in before murdering me for dishonoring the family with my new hairstyle.

Anyway, I didn't expect to see her in the dining room. Honestly, I didn't expect anyone to still be there so I just entered the kitchen to ask Pierre for some food.

He was cutting the carrots.

"Hey, Pierre," I said and, oh my god, my voice was far from sounding even remotely sober.

"Princess! You finally got up!" he exclaimed happily (he loves me, for whatever reason), "go to the dining room, I will make you some…"

And then he turned around. His eyes went all big when he realized my hair was pretty much as orange as the carrots on the counter.

Seriously. What was I thinking yesterday? If our chef reacted this way, I am too afraid to even wonder how Grandmere will react. She will finally get a heart attack. Oh my god, I will kill my own grandmother.

Yeah, I would make a world and all palace employees a great favor but I wish I wasn't the one directly responsible for the killing. I mean, I SUPPORT WORLD PEACE! What kind of a hypocrite would I be if I killed my own GRANDMOTHER?

"… Pancakes," he finished when he realized he shouldn't be staring at the members of the royal family with his mouth wide open.

"Ok," I said, trying to act like nothing was wrong.

But it was. Everything was very, very wrong. You see, as I entered the dining room, I realized everyone was still there.

Waiting on me.

Dad was reading a newspaper. Grandmere was petting Rommel, who looked scared out of his mind. Rene and Sebastiano sat with large coffee mugs in front of them and with their eyes completely blank.

And their hair was in even worse shape than mine. René's blue hair was a mess and in a natural light it was obvious they were in pretty much every shade of blue that exists. Sebastiano's Mohawk was kind of down and it wasn't until now that I realized that the remaining hair at the side of his head was forming little stars.

Yeah, I definitely had the best haircut out of all of us.

Just as Dad looked up and Grandmere's jaw dropped, one of the servants entered the dining room, carrying a large tray with mugs on. When he saw me he tripped and the coffee mugs flew all over the place, the coffee spilled across the floor and shards were everywhere.

And everyone was too shocked at the sight of me to even notice the mess on the floor.

Which, you have to admit, it is an accomplishment of some kind. A bad kind but still a kind. I mean, Grandmere is always the one saying princesses do not keep their mouths open. And there she was, exposing her fine dental work for all to see.

"Somebody get me another Martini!" Dad shouted with a husky voice. Honestly, he was in an even worse shape than that time I told in front of the camera that Mum was pregnant with Mr G's baby.

Not just Grandmere, looks like my escapades will also kill Dad.

Lizzie Borden of the 21st century I am. And I don't even need an ax.

"Of all times you had to pick this week to have your teenage crisis?" shouted Grandmere and Rommel started barking. I do not think it was because of the tone of her voice. I think it was because he saw me. I mean, my hair looked like they were on fire.

AND I WAS TOO HANGOVER/TIRED/WHATEVER TO COME UP WITH ANY RATIONAL ANSWER!

All I said was huh.

HUH!

"You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady, so you better start now," Dad said dryly and reached out for a glass of martini. His hands were totally shaking. Oh my god, he was having a stroke because of me.

"It ... is just hair," I said. Yay, I was talking.

But maybe it would be better if I kept quiet.

"I am not talking about your hair! What were you thinking, running away – again? Fine, I could understand you running off to Monaco to visit some of your cousins…"

"Why would anyone want to spend time with them is beyond me," interrupted Grandmere.

"… So that did not upset me that much. But then I find out you ran off to SPAIN. Mia, are you aware of the possible consequences of your actions?"

"This little rebellion of yours, Amelia, could easily hurt your father's chances at the elections! Have you really learned nothing?! Amelia, can't you think ahead sometimes? This could throw us out of the palace! Have you ever wondered where we would live if that happened?" cried Grandmere (I told you. All she cares about is this stupid palace. For her elections are all about WHO WILL WIN THE PALACE not WHO WILL RUN GENOVIA IN THE YEARS TO COME.)

"Mother, I got this," said Dad and shifted his focus back at me, "what got into you that you were running across Spain in a wedding dress?"

"I went to a wedding?" I shrugged.

"Well, I really thought I would get to walk you down the aisle," he remarked rather darkly.

"Amelia, and you were doing so well! Have you really learned nothing? Princesses don't run around wearing wedding dresses unless it's their wedding day! And even then they do not run, they graciously walk … Princesses do not attend weddings where ... And princesses do not have … orange hair! Look at you! How are you going to pose for a family portrait looking like this?"

Have I said all she cares is her palace? Well, and the annual family portrait. Why do we need a new one every year is beyond me. I mean, she looks the same every year. Botox makes sure she does.

"Wait … how did you even find out I went to a wedding?" I asked and glanced at René.

"Hey, don't look at us! We didn't tell!" shouted René while Sebastiano continued staring blankly.

Dad just put a newspaper in front of me.

Apparently reporters once again found out my whereabouts. I was on a front cover, me running in my high heels and a wedding gown, holding bottles of wine in my hands. In the background of the picture, there was René with his shirt unbuttoned holding even more bottles.

And above the picture, the title read 'PRINCESS GETS HITCHED?'

YES.

OH MY GOD. APPARENTLY THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS I MARRIED RENÉ.

And the 'exclusive story on page 3' was even worse – there were pictures of us entering the wedding salon ('it took me a while to recognize them', said Maria Gonzales, the shop assistant in 'Wedding Dream' salon, 'your see royals in the magazines and you think you would recognize them in a blink of an eye. But when they are in front of you, you just don't believe it is really them. Because things like royals entering your store just do not happen … They were well-spirited and showed great fashion knowledge. The dress they chose is one of the latest pieces, very up-to-date, and princess' choice will doubtlessly inspire thousands of brides. It will probably be next year's wedding hit. Harry, who paid for the dress, left a very generous tip … I would never believe royals can be so down-to-earth, not conceited or snobbish at all …'), me throwing René's cigarettes into a trash bin ('PRINCESS TAKING CARE OF PRINCE'S HEALTH – putting his health before her own wedding gown!'); everything about the church ('the couple chose a tiny but extraordinary beautiful church to be the place of their wedding. It was built in late 19th century but faced major renovations after the war. It is a place where young Spanish couples go to if they want a low-key wedding ...'), the priest ('what happens in Vegas may also happen in Spain? Speaking of Vegas … Seen entering the church was … none other than … ELVIS!'), the food ('large amounts of fish and chips, traditional English food … talk about multicultural wedding! Happening in Spain, with English food, a symbol of American culture, a Genovian princess as a bride and an Italian prince as a groom … a wedding that will certainly stay in people's minds for decades to come, not only because of how unexpected it was [Princess was believed to be single after splitting up with John Paul Abernathy-Reynolds IV last year, even denying rumors of dating Wilmer Valderrama in early December] or bride's age [Princess is about to turn 18 in May] but because of its un-royally characteristics – let's face it, has any royal wedding ever taking place in this kind of circumstances? It is a gesture that shows the world royals are just like us, everyday people. No doubt this will increase the popularity of Princess of Genovia!') and music ('Katy Perry has got herself a royal fan!').

Basically, it included everything but the names of the true wedding couple.

And pictures of my new hairstyle.

So I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

WHO AM I KIDDING? THIS IS A DISASTER!

Grandmere kept going and going.

"... I have never been more humiliated in my entire life! My own family! I would understand the Grimaldis or Contessa Trevanni pulling something like this off but my own family … couldn't you at least wear something more respectable? This dress looks like it is directly from a catalog!"

"I think it cost a bit less than three hundred," interrupted René.

"Three…" she looked like she was having an attack of some kind. Of course all she sees is her own humiliation. WHAT ABOUT MINE? THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS I MARRIED RENE! I SHOULD BE WAY MORE HUMILIATED!

AND I AM!

"Three … come on, Rommel. At least you haven't abandoned me …" she said, getting up.

She walked out of the dining room as Dad was slowly sipping Martini. When she was gone, he put the glass down and smiled at me.

YES, SMILED!

"Well, she'll get over it," he sighed, got up and he too exited the dining room. Ok, what was with my Dad being a good cop all of a sudden?

I followed him and he continued talking. "It looked like the wedding was fun. Don't worry about the newspaper, our press team will sort out the mess. Will you pass my congratulations to the lucky couple? Though next time please let me know before you disappear into the unknown for a whole day so that I won't go through so much trouble trying to get you your Christmas present with as little delay as possible."

My Christmas gift?

"Oh, is my laptop finally here?" I exclaimed.

His eyes widened. Oops, was I not supposed to know?

"What laptop? I told you, Mia, no laptops till you're 18. Come on," he said and we walked towards the salon.

I am not getting a laptop?

Then what? A snowball with my name in it?

He let me enter the room first and as I entered, somebody who was sitting on a sofa got up and smiled at me.

There was …

Well.

Michael.


	12. Chapter 12

Friday, December 27, later

**Those Romantic Movie/TV Reunions That Leave You Wishing It Would Happen To You Too**

1\. The Notebook - Noah waking up to a sound of a car stopping. As he looks through the window, Allie only shrugs, then runs into his embrace.

2\. In While You Were Sleeping - while Lucy is at work, Jack places an engagement ring in the token tray of her booth. She lets him into the booth, and with the entire Callaghan family watching, he proposes to her.

3\. Cold Mountain – Inman is silently standing in front of Ada who is pointing a gun at him before she realizes her wishes have come true and her One True Love has come back to her.

4\. The Lake House - clutching onto the mailbox stand, Kate is sure she was too late, but then the mailbox flag lowers; Alex has picked up her note. Soon, she sees a vehicle arriving and then a figure walking toward her. It is Alex. They walk toward each other. Kate says, "You waited!" She and Alex kiss, then walk toward the lake house.

5\. Titanic. When Rose jumps off the rescue boat and goes back on the doomed ship to be with Jack [ok, I don't want the sinking part to happen to me. I am talking about that ''with you or not at all'' part]

6\. Veronica Mars. She goes to see him on the porch and he asks if she's ok. She just nods and gives him a quick kiss. And his eyes widen and it is a moment he has been dreaming of for so long and … he pulls her closer and … yeah. [They sooooo need to hook up in the movie!]

7\. Any Buffy kiss. There is just so much intensity in those kisses!

And we dream and daydream about these scenes, thinking of how we would handle them. Things we would say and how that movie kiss would feel like.

But when they do happen to you …

Well, it is not as easy as it looks, you know, running into his arms, in the pouring rain, with the emotional musical arrangement in the background. I kind of doubt that my reunion with Michael would make anyone cry.

Mainly because I didn't run into his embrace. We didn't kiss and pretty much the only noise was Grandmere screaming somewhere in the distance: 'first it was the tree, then the wedding gown and now the hair! I won't survive losing the palace, I won't! Sidecar! Somebody get me a Sidecar!'

I just stood there, staring at him and … well, that was the moment when decided I would never ever run away or drink again because clearly it has bad side effects. Because it was not real. It could not be real. It was a very serious vow I made to myself so, yeah, there kind of wasn't any time left for a breathless kiss.

Really, movies make everything look so easy but actually, so many other things are way more plausible than the actual reunion. For once, I am convinced running into his arms would end with her heel breaking. If there indeed was rain, one of them would most likely slip in the puddle.

Oh, and of course, she would pretty much single-handedly kill the romantic mood with her babbling.

Trust me, I experienced it myself.

Michael walked up to me with a big smile on his face. And I was too caught up with, well, everything, to even have my knees weaken like they do every time he smiles like that.

Yes, that how serious I was about never drinking again.

"Merry belated Christmas," he said.

Which, you know, would be like the best thing to say back but nooo, when was I ever sane?

"Mi … Mi …What … What are you doing here?"

And then I wonder why Grandmere doesn't let me talk on national TV of a country whose princess I am?

I could see on Michael's face that this was not the greeting he imagined.

"Well … your dad called me about a month ago and asked me if I could come to Genovia for a few days this Christmas …" he was looking at me as if he was surprised I didn't figure it out yet. Seriously, when do I EVER figure this stuff out? "Why, you so sad to see me?"

And OF COURSE I couldn't just leave it at that and kiss him.

"My… Dad?"

Some time ago I was worried that Rocky might be suffering from slow development. Well, then I don't know what should I say about me.

And yes, I am dating a genius inventor of robotic arm-something that will save thousands of lives.

And no, I don't know how that happened either.

"Yes, your dad," Michael said rather impatiently and leaned closer to kiss me. But my eyes went all wide and I totally didn't feel like characters in the movies when the love of their life appears in front of them.

I think I kind of looked like those characters that get robbed in a dark alley.

Why Michael didn't just turn around and went back to Japan, because, I mean, what kind of a greeting did I give him, is beyond me. The next thing I did was just scream out 'DAD' , turned around and ran after dad who was disappearing in the distance.

He looked rather surprised when he saw me following him.

"Michael said …. Why did you invite Michael here?" I said and tried to sound relaxed and cool but I was pretty much the epitome of panic. I mean, come on! Ever since June I tried to hide the fact Michael and I were back together, risking Tina to hate me forever and now … well, apparently everyone knew.

At least Dad did.

And that basically equals everyone.

I don't even want to think about how Grandmere will handle this. Is there a royal family that has more Princes that the Saudi one? I will totally have to learn all their names.

Or maybe she'll pick a family from some exotic country whose surnames will be like a mile long and I will have no idea how to pronounce them!

Dad started laughing.

"Well, I don't know, Mia. I guess I thought you might like to see him?"

He knew. He totally knew. And he found it all super amusing.

"But we are … um … like …"

Seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this misfortune? I am a good person, I really am. I mean, I am super concerned about global warming and I am saving stray cats! What else should I be doing?

"Really, Mia, give me some credit, I am not stupid. I knew something was off when you came to Genovia in the summer … it wasn't exactly difficult to figure it out," he winked at me.

Remember how once upon the time I excelled at lying?

Is there ANYTHING I excel at nowadays? I mean, besides getting on a front cover of gossip magazines for my alleged wedding to RENE? Oh, and dying my hair ORANGE and, most of all, when I saw my boyfriend, I basically ran away from him.

I wonder if there's a college I could graduate from all this?

"But … But Grandmere will…"

"Your grandmother will have to eventually realize life does not always go according to HER plan," dad rolled his eyes, then his eyes narrowed and became very focused. Which, of course, is never a good sign. "But to tell you the truth, Mia, I think your grandmother's preferences will slightly change now that Michael …"

But I never got to find out what he meant because Natalia appeared out of nowhere and reminded him that they were late for their spa appointment (why can't he see she is a GOLD DIGGER? WHY?).

I felt Michael's arms around my waist.

"Now do I finally get a kiss?" he whispered and, well, I am not that dumb to let THAT pass me by.

And of course my oxytocin levels went through the roof. Which actually explains everything about my life, including the reason for Dr K being on the payroll of the Genovian Royal Family. You know, oxytocin results in this increase in dopamine which is basically the neurotransmitter that makes us happy (totally, the antidepressants' job is to make us feel happier and what they do is maintain the level of dopamine). And this is basically what someone who is addicted to drugs experiences. The same brain chemicals and the same brain pathways and structures are active when in love, and when being high on crack cocaine. Therefore, this leads to the belief that addictive drugs affect the brain in ways similar to love which can help explain the painful, withdrawal-like symptoms of a breakup.

Which, of course explains the following:

a) Why it is not my fault that I got stuck in therapy, and

b) That Lilly is actually right every time she says I act as if I was on crack. I AM on crack – only that the crack is her brother!

I don't think Mom or any of her feminist friends would be too happy if they knew I was basically addicted to my boyfriend but you know what? Since it is not my fault but rather the hormones' fault, I will totally not care about it.

Accept the things you cannot change and pray for the courage to change things you can, as well as the wisdom to know the difference.

Why waste energy obsessing over something you cannot change? Seriously, even my shrink says so.

Michael broke the kiss way too fast for my liking.

"OK, I gotta ask," he said with a grin, "what have you been doing since the last time we spoke? Why does your grandmother keep screaming tree? Where did you disappear off to yesterday? Why did you dye your hair orange? And why do the newspapers say you married Rene?"

Which, if you really think about it, says many worrying things about my life. I mean, look at all the messes I found myself in less than a week! COMPLETELY unintentionally, may I add.

I need to change something.

I just don't know what.

But I do know this is not normal.

So I told him about the wedding but was very careful to avoid the topic of a tree (he does not need to know his girlfriend climbed the tree in a long dress and high Gucci heels and almost killed herself while trying to save a stray cat. I know he knows I am not sane but he doesn't need to know just how INSANE I am).

Before he could ask any more, I just kissed him (it is rather fascinating, the power ladies can possess over men, isn't it? Sadly, the opposite is also true …) and told him he HAD to see our winter garden.

Which he does because it is just so pretty.

And, not to mention, a great make-out place.

So, yeah … I really have no idea why I am cooped up in the bathroom writing this while…

Well, while Michael is here.

MICHAEL.

AND WINTER GARDEN.

THIS IS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.

Welll, besides Louie when I was 6, I mean,


	13. Chapter 13

Friday, December 27, later

NOT ONLY THAT I CANNOT MAKE OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHEN HE IS IN JAPAN AND I AM IN NEW YORK/GENOVIA – NOOO, WE DON'T EVEN GET TO MAKE OUT WHEN WE HAPPEN TO BE ON THE SAME CONTINENT!

At first it was actually cute. You know, we planned to sneak out through the kitchen to minimize any possibility of bumping into Grandmere (yes, I do realize I will have to face her eventually, but I would rather do it later than sooner). I didn't plan on Pierre, who apparently got over the fact that my hair is now in the color of a goldfish, to sit us down and treat us with previews of today's dessert.

I mean, I am not saying they weren't good or anything but you know how the thing with chocolate is – you just can't stop eating it once you try it.

Which is actually rather similar to kissing your boyfriend.

So I guess that explains why chocolate is such a good break up remedy.

And then Pierre, who is an avid meat eater, and Michael, who is also an avid meat eater, delved into a long debate regarding, well, meat, and I just stuffed down more chocolate cake.

When they finally discussed every kind of meat there is (ok, I do realize it is important that Michael has a good relationship with every employee of the palace since he will live here one day if everything goes according to plan AND EVERYTHING WILL GO ACCORDING TO PLAN but … couldn't he wait until AFTER I would have shown him the winter garden?) and we finally managed to get out of the kitchen and I was leading him to the winter garden we bumped into the royal gardeners.

And they too were so excited to see Michael that they devoted the entire hour to show him (and me, but I think they were mostly impressed by him) all the gardens including those who aren't blooming till spring and the winter garden.

Well, at least I got reminded once again why it is such a perfect make-out place.

And I practically melted when Michael asked for an orange rose so that he could give it to me. And I could see the gardeners were melting too, though they were kind enough to look away when I gave Michael one giant kiss as a thank you.

And right at that moment, a meowing cat ran by.

I mean, yeah, I was kind of busy kissing Michael and all, but I could still see the cat and realize that it is the same cat that was practically AWOL since my not really ballet-style fall off the tree.

The gardeners of course knew it too. and I guess they thought I was about to go chase it again.

"Don't worry, Princess, we will handle this!" they screamed and ran after the cat.

Michael wrapped his arms around me.

"How come every time I come here you guys have some problems with cats?" Michael eyed me suspiciously.

"I swear, I wasn't feeding them."

"Right," he said, totally not believing me.

"Really! I have nothing to do with it!" I exclaimed (I guess it is the truth when people say that if you lie regularly, in the end people don't even believe you when you are telling the truth).

"Sure it is," he smiled and leaned closer to me to kiss me.

But, as it was established already, people just don't want us to make out.

One of the waiters appeared out of nowhere and of course my eyes went all wide because, HOW CAN I HAVE SUCH MISFORTUNE? Michael saw my reaction and stopped leaning closer, looking over his shoulder.

"Excuse me," said the waiter with a goofy grin on his face, "lunch is being served."

"What does a guy have to do around here to have a minute with his girlfriend?" Michael whispered into my ear.

I wish I knew. I really do.

 

Friday, December 27, later

**Today's Pros**

1\. Michael. I have the best boyfriend ever. And not because he would be, you know, reinventing heart surgery and all. No; it's because he got me THE SNOWBALL THAT HAS MY NAME IN! I actually got something else off my list of desired presents! He is seriously the most attentive, caring and loving boyfriend that has ever lived!

2\. Food. WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE PIERRE STAYS PALACE'S MAIN CHEF AT LEAST TILL MY WEDDING! He totally outdid himself today. He cooked meat dishes (ok, I wasn't impressed but I don't think I was the one who he had meant to impress…) and my favorite vegetarian meal. I just hope that when I get married, Pierre will be too excited to be the main chef to care whether or not Grandmere will be happy about having a special vegetarian course on the menu.

3\. We. Finally. Have. WiFi. As it turned out, it was supposed to be working in September already, but the palace's technology geek put the wrong cables together. I don't really know what's worse – that no one had even noticed that it wasn't working (no one really uses WiFi around here, except you, Princess, I was told) or that it took Michael like five minutes to make it work (MY BOYFRIEND IS SO SMART!)

4\. Thanks to Grandmere being 'unwell', all my royal commitments for the day were canceled (ok, that's not exactly the case. Since my Dad knew Michael was coming this Christmas, he made sure I didn't have any major events on my schedule. Which raises the question – how did I manage not to notice that my otherwise full schedule was like, totally empty this year?). I was finally able to call Mum. Apparently, there's a lot of snow in New York (when will I see snow for Christmas, I wonder?), Rocky said the word 'drums' for the first time (I bet it's Mr G's favorite Christmas present ever) and … well, Mum said that ever since I have gone to Genovia, Louie has been sleeping on my bed which he only does when he misses me (meaning, every time I am not at home). Which means … DOES THIS MEAN LOUIE DOESN'T HATE ME AFTER ALL? I MEAN, HE MISSES ME! THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE BEST NEWS I'VE GOTTEN IN LIKE FOREVER. Well, besides Michael being here, of course.

**Today's Cons**

1\. Grandmere has not shown up for lunch. Which means she is really, really upset with me. And according to Google, the Saudi Royal family has like 2000 Princes. I only know the names of about 20. Yep. Trouble ahead.

2\. Why is my family so weird? You'd think having lunch with just René and Sebastiano would be fun, but no, we spent the appetizers talking about shoes (René started attacking me for ruining pretty much every pair of Gucci he has ever bought me - not true, the most recent one, this Christmas' is still wrapped). I mean, yeah, talking about shoes is cool and all, but come on, my boyfriend is here and I am sorry, but he is a GENIUS INVENTOR OF A REVOLUTIONARY MEDICAL EQUIPMENT. I am not saying I can compete with him on any kind of intellectual level, but I at least know better than to talk about SHOES with him.

Then, Sebastiano started going on and on about this new idea for a collection – apparently, he finds zigzag-patterns inspiring. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was never going to finish the line because no matter how good it was, Grandmere would never let him go solo – his royal outfits are just too good.

3\. I once again have no present for Michael. He says it doesn't matter but, hello, it totally does. And yeah, maybe this year it is really not my fault. I mean, I didn't think I was gonna see him for, like, months (I do realize the Royal Museum has all sorts of stuff but I intend(ed) to be slightly more original this year).

4\. I am officially unable to keep anything a secret. I mean, what things have I recently tried to hide? Oh, just the fact that Michael and I were back together (Dad found out the moment he saw me. and for somebody whose only self-discovered talent for years was a gift for lying, this is pretty alarming.). The fact I was going to Andrew's wedding (not only Dad found out, the whole world did, thanks to the reporters). And most recently, I tried to keep Michael form knowing I almost suffered a TBI after falling off a tree saving a stray cat.

The moment he and I entered the dining room where only René and Sebastiano were waiting for lunch, René went all "hey, BC, nice to see new boots survived the part one of Mia vs Stray Cat 2.0, make sure you'll wear sneakers or something for part two, will you, these boots costs me a fortune (yeah, like it is my fault that he buys boots for pretty much every woman he has ever been in contact with, and knowing him, this probably means A LOT of boots. No wonder he's too broke to have two phone rechargers)' and Michael of course went 'what is he talking about' and René was all 'she didn't tell you? BC, do you know that honesty is the best recipe for a working and long-lasting relationship (as if Michael and I don't know it… when was René ever dating anyone long enough to know the correct recipe, anyway?) besides, it is nothing to be ashamed of. People climb trees in high heels and long dresses all the time to save stray cats, anyway (it just occurred to me … is he trying to get back at me because I didn't say anything when he decided to dye his hair blue? How is it my fault if he got so drunk that he couldn't think rationally? Oh, René, in case you are color blind, my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE!) and Michael was all 'you did what?' and I was like having a coronary right there, in the middle of a dining room.

And so did Sebastiano, he started screaming that his evening gown was ruined (or something, he is rather hard to understand when he is upset). I will admit that René's brutal honesty has helped me to become more open to certain subjects (ok, sex. 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him, though I am surprised he even remembers his escapades given the intoxicated state he is usually in) but YOU JUST CAN'T TELL A GUY THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND IS SUCH A NUTCASE SHE ALMOST KILLED HERSELF SAVING A CAT THAT, AS IT TURNED OUT, DIDN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT!

And, ok, Michael didn't look alarmed or anything. Actually, he just grinned and said 'that's my girl' (well, he does know that when Dad and I drove to France to attend some diplomatic dinner, we were totally late because frogs were crossing the road we drove on and I forced the limo driver to stop the car and wait until they all crossed the road. Dad wasn't all that mad, actually, probably because it turned out one of the waitresses was a total animal lover and they were going out for the next three months).

5\. Minutes dedicated to making out with my boyfriend: too little to count. First it was Pierre, then gardeners and technicians. Then we got a tour of the Royal Museum (which, you know, would be like totally cool if a) I wasn't there like for a millionth time and b) my boyfriend's neck didn't look so … nice and smell so … tempting.), the Royal Gallery (which reminds me, my this year's portrait is due), Royal Cars (WHO CARES ABOUT CARS? Surely not Michael but he was too polite to say anything). Thank god it was raining in the afternoon, otherwise we would probably also be shown around Genovia.

Hmmm … this is just weird. Why so many cons in comparison to pros? Because this is a GREAT day!

 

Friday, December 27, 10 pm

Update on Grandmere: hasn't been seen since this morning.

Update on my wedding: I've been told our press team has issued a statement in which I congratulated the happy couple.

Update on the cat: it got away. Again.

Update on Rene's phone recharger: it was established that René forgot it in his jacket which has just been washed. The washing powers of washing machine have broken the recharger beyond repair.

Update on my phone: still missing. I didn't leave it in any of my jackets or coats. When René was handed his recharger I went into a total panic mode and tried to locate all the pieces of clothing I have worn since I arrived here. Luckily, the majority of Sebastiano's designs don't have any pockets in which phones would fit so I guess at least something good comes out of being in designer clothes all the time. Though … I still don't have the faintest idea where my phone is.

Update on minutes spent making out with my boyfriend: situation is improving.

 

Friday, December 27, 10:15 pm

My boyfriend is a genius. Have I ever told you that? Well, I never as meant it as I am meaning it now.

How come I didn't remember to call my own cell yet?

 

Friday, December 27, 10:20 pm

I have no idea how my phone found its way into the flower pot, that's all I'll say.

I HAVE MY PHONE BACK!

 

Friday, December 27, 10:30 pm

So I decided something.

I mean, I have been pretty much lying to Tina about Michael and I being back together because, well, I thought the fewer people I told the fewer were the chances of Dad finding out.

Now that I know that dad has been quite aware of the situation for, like, ever, I guess I don't have to lie to Tina anymore.

I mean, Dr K has been telling me that I need to be honest with myself and others; otherwise, all the lies I have been telling will just blow up into my face, right?

Something tells me Tina won't be too happy when she hears I didn't tell her about Michael and me.

 

Friday, December 27, 11:40 pm

She didn't pick up.

I am not entirely sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Michael thinks I am hilarious. Of course he does! HE DOES NOT REALIZE THIS COULD FOREVER ENDANGER MY FRIENDSHIP WITH TINA! I mean, we tell each other everything – ok, maybe not EVERYTHING but the important stuff, like one of us getting back together with a guy she has loved for, like, ever, and who she has broken up with and who went to Japan to do what Aragorn did for Arwen, well, this is something we do discuss.

You know, especially the whole break up thing was kind of influenced by her book.

AND NO, DR K, I AM NOT PLAYING THE ROLE OF THE VICTIM HERE, I DO REALIZE I WAS THE ONE SAYING THOSE WORDS AND ALL AND NOT TINA'S BOOK!

Ok, so this is what I sent her:

Hey, Tina, have are you? Look, I have to tell you something. I will understand if it upsets you and you will never want to talk to me again. Remember how in June I kind of disappeared for a week when I had to go to Genovia because a new road was being built? Well, that was not exactly the case. I mean, yeah, they were rebuilding the road and all, but I didn't go there for that or anything. I mean, I didn't even go to Genovia. I went to Japan to see Michael and … yeah, well, we've been kind of back together since then. This is why I didn't like you or Lana hooking me up with all those guys. Please, don't be too upset. Or, yeah, you have the right to be upset and all, I mean, I did lie to you and everything. But I hope you'll … still talk to me?

I am so dead.

 

Friday, December 27, 11:50 pm

TINA HAS TEXTED ME BACK!

AND I AM TOO AFRAID TO READ IT!

Michael says he'll open the text for me if I want.

Yeah, right. Even if Tina writes something like 'I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN! YOU LYING CRAB!' he totally won't tell me. He'll just delete it accidentally or something.

Oh my god. Does this indicate trust issues?

 

Saturday, December 28, midnight

I am being totally unassertive again, aren't I?

What is happening to me? I was already well on my way to maturity and now I am too scared to even open a text!

 

Saturday, December 28, 0:15 am

Michael just said that he is the one who should be worried since Lilly won't be too happy if she finds out he ditched visiting family for Christmas so that he could come see me. He might have a point there since, you know, she canceled going skiing with Kenny for holidays because her brother was coming home for the first time since July.

And even that visit in the summer was kind of meh, because Michael spent so much time Skyping with his team in Tsukuba, meeting his professors at Columbia or doing other robotic arm stuff.

I don't think Michael is too happy watching me march up and down his room in this neurotic haze or whatever I am in, when we could be … You know.

Well, not YOU KNOW as in YOU KNOW but …

I seriously have some issues.

 

Saturday, December 28, 0:30 am

Rene came to invite us to a party in one of the casinos, and when he heard I was too afraid to open a text message he just pulled the phone out of my hands, stepped onto the sofa and read it out loud.

And media seriously think I married him?

Anyway, Tina's message:

YOU ARE BACK TOGETHER WITH MICHAEL AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? OMG THIS IS SOOO ROMANTIC! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! HOW DID IT HAPPEN? AWWWW THIS IS SO … WELL, I CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER ANY FICTIONAL SITUATIONS LIKE THIS BUT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I ALWAYS KNEW YOU TWO WOULD GO BACK TOGETHER, I MEAN, YOU TWO ARE PARFAIT FOR EACH OTHER! I AM SOOOO HAPPY FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Always knew we would go back together?

I would seriously like to live in Tinaland. Not only everything is super shiny there, people have like 3-second memory. Because she totally forced me to start dating JP. AND she was practically hooking me up with guys from Trinity.

Oh, whatever, I still love her.

Ok, I gotta go now. Michael is seriously fed up with me. He just threatened to come here and carry me to the bed himself if I don't stop writing in my diary…


	14. Chapter 14

Saturday, December 28, 7 am

I got so many texts this morning that I actually would not be surprised if my phone indeed got some superpowers and moved itself out of my reach.

I woke up to a sound of my phone beeping. I was about to get up when a pair of very strong arms wrapped around me and stopped me.

"Can't you leave that thing for a minute?" Michael said with a sleepy voice, "I seriously think you might have a problem, Mia …"

Which is, of course, true. I do have a problem. I need to get some more rational friends.

Here are the texts I got:

Lana:

TINA TELLS ME YOU ARE BACK WITH MICHAEL. He better be super-hot now. Because Scott is super-hot. But never mind, more fun for me, ha. PS: NOW YOU CAN PUT THE LINGERIE TO SOME GOOD USE when he comes back from Japan or wherever he is! USE IT, GEEK!

Shameeka:

You and Michael are back together! Omg! Happy 4 U.

Boris:

Tina told me you and Michael are dating again. I am very happy for you, Mia. - Boris

Lilly:

Still snowing here. They fixed the heating system, at least. And you are not missing anything, Michael couldn't come. He is stuck in Tsukuba. And I am stuck with my parents while Kenny is skiing somewhere in Vermont … Did you know there is apparently a new Jung theory? But I think my parents learned their lesson because they threw the newspaper away as soon as Dad saw the article.

Then Lana again:

USE THE LINGERIE, GEEK! I MEAN IT! THE MOMENT HE COMES BACK FROM JAPAN, USE IT!

Then Harry:

What do I hear about That Boy being in Genovia right now?

JP:

He finally came to his senses, huh?

Lilly again:

Ha! Tina tells me you finally told her! AND THE EARTH HASN'T STOPPED ROTATING! Told your grandmother yet? I mean, she cannot have worse Christmas than the one 2 years ago, right?

Tina again:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I am still sooooooooo happy!

Seriously, how did I become so popular? I mean, in our Freshmen year…

Is that Vigo screaming?

 

Saturday, December 28, 9 am

Uh-oh, that was close.

I was in Michael's room, having some quality time with him when I heard Vigo screaming.

"Princess, where are you? You have to get up! We have to move ahead with your schedule!"

Is that a way to treat a princess, I ask?

But that's not really my point. I mean, Grandmere would DIE if she heard Vigo caught me in Michael's room at 7 am where I was pretty much since last night.

Ok, Grandmere probably wouldn't die or anything but I do think she would cause bodily harm to Michael or something.

But my Dad might get a coronary.

So jumped up, went to my balcony, made a mess out of my bed as quickly as I could, before putting on a robe. Vigo was cheerfully knocking on my door, calling my name.

"What? It is not even 8, I am not late for breakfast or anything," I said groggily as I opened the door.

Vigo totally didn't show any compassion.

"I know, Princess, but your holiday is over. We have to get you ready for this year's royal portrait. Sebastiano has prepared some of his creations and Paolo is coming to see what he can do with your hair. And not to mention, it is high time you started practicing your speech."

"What speech?" I said.

"For the opening of the animal shelter? It is already written for you, Princess, you just have to memorize it…"

He went on and on but all I could think was HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THIS SPEECH? I WAS DREADING IT THROUGHOUT DECEMBER!

Well, I did have a rather eventful last few days. The opening of the animal shelter that was my summer project, nah, it totally slipped my mind. I mean, I did almost kill myself, celebrated Christmas, ran off to a wedding, dyed my hair orange, enraged Grandmere, supposedly married René and, last but not least, my boyfriend came. Seriously, how could I have time to even think about the shelter?

OH MY GOD HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THE POOR STRAY CATS? I AM SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON!

AND HOW CAN THEY EXPECT ME TO HAVE A SPEECH? LOOK AT MY HAIR!

 

Saturday, December 28, 10 am

Everybody loves Michael. Seriously.

Well, minus Grandmere, that is.

Pierre made pancakes in the shape of hearts. Grandmere pretended she didn't notice while Dad was hiding his face behind the newspaper. I guess that was why he didn't notice Natalia staring at Michael.

Yes, STARING.

I know Michael is like super-hot and it is rather weird that he chooses to be with me (besides me being practically breastless, my hair is now orange) but you can wonder about that in the privacy of your own mind, Natalia!

"So I heard Arne decided to spend a few days over in Monaco," said Grandmere while sipping tea. I could feel her eyes on me.

"I tried to tell him our casinos are better, like way better, but he wouldn't listen," mumbled René who was up surprisingly early. Though I think he came to breakfast directly from that party he went to last night. At least the smell of alcohol indicated that. I would know since I had the misfortune of sitting next to him. "But whatever, really. We can have fun without him. Plus, his constant hunting stories get boring."

Grandmere completely ignored him. She kept staring at me. I am not entirely sure whether it was because René adapted my way of speaking (the word 'whatever' is totally pagan in her opinion, but then again, what isn't?), the pancakes, my hair or, well, the fact that I am back together with Michael.

"I bumped into Contessa Trevanni the other day," went on Grandmere, "she seemed to be rather excited about something …"

"It's her granddaughter, Bella or whatever she is," nodded René with his mouth full, "she broke the engagement with that Belgium waiter."

"Well, that engagement should never happen in the first place. What was she thinking, getting engaged with someone as … random as the waiter?"

"Mother …" said dad from behind his newspaper. Because it was totally obvious she wasn't talking about Bella. In her world, girls like Bella DO get engaged to random waiters just so that Grandmere looks better in comparison to Contessa Trevanni.

"I worked as a waitress for a while," said Natalia in a dreamy voice. "I was making cocktails on the beach …"

"I can see why you found it to be so pleasant," Grandmere raised her drawn eyebrows.

Seriously. If she's so good at drawing her eyebrows, how come she is completely incapable of hiding her hatred towards certain people?

I know Michael acts like he doesn't care what she thinks but I do know it upsets him. I mean, remember why he went to Japan in the first place?

Ok, not the first place, he mainly went so that he could help save millions of lives, but part of the reason was also so that Grandmere could stop treating him as some random dude that happened to attend same high school as me.

 

Saturday, December 28, 11 am

So Paolo just showed up to talk to me regarding my hair for the speech.

When he entered the room and saw me (I mean, saw my orange hair) he just let out a scream, turned around and returned about a minute later, looking totally flushed.

"My thoughts exactly," said Grandmere.

 

Saturday, December 28, 2 pm

Sebastiano brought some of his dresses.

The first one was this beautiful red dress with one strap and glitter around the waist.

The second was this gorgeous beige dress, with two straps that were full of glitter.

Then there was this light blue with an open back.

And a dark blue one that was quite open in front but would still look totally good on me with the right push up bra.

And since they were all designed especially for me, they all looked great on me.

And if I say so then it must be true since on regular bases I do consider myself to be as tooth-picker-lookalike as you can get.

But … Sebastiano got a coronary pretty much every time I changed.

I had no idea what was up with him. Until I tried on this light pink dress.

"No!" he exclaimed, "no, no, no, no! Does not work with your hair col! Only black will match!"

"Over my dead body!" screamed Grandmere immediately. "She will not wear black! Black looks horrible on any girl that is under 18!"

Seriously, what is up with these dress codes of hers? I mean, what difference does it make if a girl is 17 years and 363 days old or 18 years and 1 day old?

"Black is the on way!" decided Sebastiano and handed me this black dress with one strap and an open back.

"Black goes with everything!" nodded Paolo and suddenly my hair wasn't such a disaster anymore (though he did whisper to me that we were dying the hair again before I return to America). He pulled it up, with a few curls falling down at the sides of my face.

And I actually looked good. So good that even Grandmere shut her mouth and just screamed for another sidecar.

Ooooh, and Michael must have been impressed since we were totally late for lunch on the account of a make-out session in my room.

Actually … as we were, you know, kissing and his hand slid under my shirt (why would I deny this if it happened? Besides, you are a diary and won't tell anyone, hehe) and his touch made me feel like I was on fire and I felt like I was drunk every time I took a breath because he was so close to me and … well, I don't think it was just the oxytocin – I actually felt like I wanted us to Do It. Have sex.

I mean, obviously I want us to have sex eventually. I've wanted that since … well, pretty much since we started going out, but I never actually thought about doing it right then right there (that hotel episode does not count. That was my MIND making a decision, not my heart or even hormones). Yes, as Michael was kissing me, I actually wanted more than a second base.

Even more than a third base.

I wanted a homerun.

SEX.

I know that these kinds of decisions are not really trustworthy as your hormones go through the roof when you are close to someone you love, but …. I mean, exactly! I love him! And he loves me (however weird it sounds). And … yeah, I know we said that we would wait with sex until he came back from Japan for real and when his robotic arm would have been finished but …

Seriously. Why wait?

I was actually contemplating saying all this stuff to him until I realized that I don't want my first time to happen a) in the middle of the day when there's a chance any second someone will start knocking, demanding something of me, b) in Genovian palace (excuse me, but no way I am losing my virginity in here!) and c) when Grandmere will be in the same building.

Which, of course, means I pretty much won't have sex until Michael comes back from Japan permanently.

I think I now realize how Michael must have been feeling all those months when I told him 'no, I am not ready to have sex yet' but was at the same time very into heavy making out sessions.

Let me just say I do get it now why he needed so many cold showers. And why he was so into going to Japan.

 

Saturday, December 28, 3 pm

Oh my god.

I am just like Lana right now.

 

Saturday, December 28, 4 pm

And Lilly, in some ways. You know, she can be like a bulldog. When she gets an idea in her head, she just doesn't let it go until she makes it happen. Or something.

I am serious. Now every time I see Michael, all I can think about is … well, not sex but … ok, sex.

 

Saturday, December 28, 6 pm

Just spend an hour sitting in the salon while the Royal painter was starting on my portrait.

He looked rather concerned about something, actually. I had to change my sitting position like three times and I moved around the salon a lot – I started somewhere in the middle, then I moved to the window, and in the end, I just ended up in some rather dark corner. Then the guy asked for the artificial light and it took like 30 minutes for him to be satisfied with light bulbs. 

In the end he just said we would continue tomorrow.

Well, I was totally excited because, you know, more Michael time, but Grandmere totally killed the good mood.

Since her desired paramour is not here and she felt bored, I had to entertain her with my participation in Princess Lessons.

Not that it resulted in anything good, though. Grandmere said my posture is more terrible than ever.

And she kept saying that my skin looked rather red. Like I was hot or something. First, she called her doctor who said I wasn't sick. Then her dermatologist said it wasn't an allergic reaction to some new cream or something either.

I am seriously worried, actually. You know how in Veronica Mars pretty much everyone could tell that there was something different about her the morning after she had sex for the first time?

Well, now I wonder if it is also noticeable when a girl finds out she is actually ready for sex.

God, please don't let this be the case. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

 

Saturday, December 28, 7 pm

No way it is possible that people can tell when a girl has decided she is ready for sex. No way.

The fact that my dad asked Michael to check what is wrong with some of the palace's computers is a complete coincidence.

Right?

I'm just gonna watch some TV.

 

Saturday, December 28, 7:30 pm

Ok, I am seriously worried now.

I just watched some documentary about genes (you know, it never hurts to enhance your knowledge of the important stuff, especially if your boyfriend invented a robotic surgical arm for cardio surgery). And you know what it said?

Apparently, baby's height is determined by a father, while intelligence, emotional strength, and body shape are determined by the mother.

Exactly.

How can I ever have children if I know all this?

I mean, I love my children even though they aren't born yet! I already love the too much to pass any of my genes onto them! I do not want my children to be like me – you know, totally neurotic, breast-less, with weirdly shaped hair and a mouth that surprisingly works without brain's approval! And most of all, I do not want them to be such losers at math as I am! I mean, I couldn't even pass Algebra if it wasn't for Michael! And I know Michaels of this world are quite hard to find! It is not like they grow on trees or something!

Or on palms, since there are not really that many trees in Genovia.

But whatever.

This means that my children will be genetic freaks. Like me.

And it doesn't matter if their father will be super smart, super-hot or totally emotionally stable because my bad genes will totally destroy his good ones!

Oh my god. Why did I have to want to be super smart for Michael and actually know something about genes? I could totally live without knowing this!

AND CONDOMS CAN TOTALLY BURST LIKE THAT TIME IN FRIENDS!

 

Saturday, December 28, 7:45 pm

I am totally not thinking about Judith Gershner's genes.

I am not.

Though her breasts are huge.

And she is intelligent, I mean, you must be if you clone a fruit fly.

But she is not too emotionally stable if, you know, she sleeps with others guys while having a boyfriend.

And intelligence is not everything. You know, everybody thinks intelligence is just academic intelligence. But it is not! There is like a ton of different intelligence and emotional one is one of them.

And I do think I would definitely score higher on that scale.

So, my genes are not THAT bad comparing to hers.

 

Saturday, December 28, 7:45 pm

**Things That Can Totally Can Happen But We Don't Really Think About Them Happening/Condoms Can Break And This Can Happen Too So Just Get Over It**

You can die falling off the bed (it kills 450 people annually in the U.S.)

A vending machine can kill you (13 people per year)

Odds that you will die this year from a falling coconut are 1 in 250 million

Odds that your child is a genius: 1 in 250 (how can Drs Moscovitz have two is a mystery to me)

Odds of writing a New York Times best seller: 1 in 220

Odds of dying from parts falling off an airplane: 1 in 10 million

The odds of being killed by space debris are 1 in 5 billion.

The odds of an adult having to visit the ER due to an injury from a pogo stick: 1 in 115,300

The odds of being injured by a toilet seat in your lifetime are 1 in 6,500

The odds of dying by fireworks: 1 in 615,488

 

Saturday, December 28, 8 pm

I think watching documentaries about animals is a way safer alternative.

Why are pandas so cute?

Seriously, I totally want one.

 

Saturday, December 28, 8:15 pm

This is so sad. Why are there so many species endangered?

And more importantly, why does nobody care?

WHO CARES IF PARIS HILTON IS SINGLE OR NOT WHEN SPECIES ARE BECOMING EXTINCT RIGHT AS WE SPEAK?

 

Saturday, December 28, 8:30 pm

White-headed langur is a critically endangered langur from Cát Bà Island, Vietnam.

It is among the rarest primates in the world, and possibly the rarest primate in Asia. It is considered to be one of "The World's 25 Most Endangered Primates," and is assumed to have declined by 80% over the last three generations. There are about less than 70 langurs left in the world.

Langur's skin is black and the pelage color is dark brown; head and shoulder are bright golden to yellowish-white. The tail is very long compared to the body size. Babies are colored golden-orange; the pelage starts to change its color from about the fourth month on. Males and females look alike. They live in groups, usually one male with several females and their offspring. They are diurnal animals, adapted to living in limestone habitat. Each group has its own territory, defended by the adult male who also initiates the location of the group. The females usually give birth to a single baby every 2–3 years, which becomes mature at 4–6 years old. Langurs have an average life expectancy of 25 years. Food mainly consists of leaves, but also fresh shoots, flowers, bark, and some fruits.

And it is super cute.

And Super Endangered.

 

Saturday, December 28, 8:45 pm

Why is this world so cruel?

Why do people care so much whether or not Hilary Duff has lost all her baby weight (she is beautiful beyond reason anyway), whether or not Katy Perry and John Mayer are engaged and whether or not Beyoncé's Grammy performance was too sexual?

WHY ARE WE SO IGNORANT OF ANIMALS DYING OUT?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? AND MEDIA? HOW COME I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN BUT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL TODAY THAT THE CUTEST PRIMATES ARE ACTUALLY TOTALLY ENDANGERED?

AND WHY DOES THE WORLD CARE WHETHER OR NOT I MARRIED RENE WHEN LANGURS ARE BECOMING EXTINCT?

 

Saturday, December 28, 9 pm

I AM NOT TOO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS! I DO NOT CARE WHAT VIGO OR RENE OR SEBASTIANO SAY! I AM TOTALLY RIGHT TO BE CRYING HYSTERICALLY IN MY BATHROOM OVER LANGURS BEING CRITICALLY ENDANGERED AND NOBODY CARING! EVERYONE SHOULD BE DOING THIS!

After ten minutes of them trying to calm me down and me screaming back that langurs are dying out, Vigo finally had enough of me not being able to explain to him what on earth langur even is, so he went off to find Michael.

But I am afraid not even Michael can make this right. I mean, yeah, he is a genius who invented revolutionary medical equipment but somehow do not think he can pull a magic wand out of nowhere and save langurs.

Nobody can fix this because this world is one giant byotch.

 

Saturday, December 28, 9:30 pm

Guess what?

Michael isn't here. In the palace, I mean.

Dad took him out to dinner somewhere in Genovia.

Because he wanted to talk to him.

Vigo needs to attend some special course that will teach him how to deal with a neurotic princess.

Because knowing that MY DAD and MICHAEL are having a dinner together did not help me one bit.

I mean, yeah, my dad is smart and knows stuff like genes and all so he probably can talk to Michael on a higher intellectual level than me, but!

WHAT IF HE ONLY INVITED MICHAEL HERE SO THAT HE COULD TELL HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM ME?

I MEAN, I FLEW COMMERCIALLY WHEN I WENT TO SEE MICHAEL IN JAPAN! THIS IS LIKE THE WORST THING A ROYAL CAN DO! AND DAD WILL TOTALLY BLAME MICHAEL FOR IT!

Oh my god.

 

Saturday, December 28, 10:30 pm

Sebastiano and René finally had enough of me freaking out over … well, everything.

So they dragged me out of the palace and into some bar here on the beach.

And René keeps saying that a sip or two will make me feel better in no time.

Yeah, right. Alcohol might be scientifically proven to relieve stress momentarily but in the long run, your problems will not go away.

And I should know. It made me think I was a party girl for about a minute until I realized I was dancing in front of the wrong boy.

Plus, alcohol is totally the main killer among the Eskimos. Since it makes them feel all cozy and warm inside and they don't even feel like putting on a sweater or a coat after a night out and so they freeze to death.

I am not stupid, I know how alcohol works.

 

Sunday, December 29, 1:15 am

But … it also tastes sooooooooooooo gooooooooooooood.

And the music here is sooooooooo goooooooooood.

And how come I never realized how warm the winters in Genovia areeeeeeeeeeeeeee?


	15. Chapter 15

Sunday, December 29, 11 am

I am gonna kill René.

I know that in the end, it is me that says ok, but why does he keep putting me in embarrassing situations?

He should know that I do not tolerate alcohol that well!

Oh, it did stop me from crying. It did out me in a good mood. In such a good mood, actually, that I started laughing at some statistical jokes René told me, even though I had no idea what he was talking about. I mean, just the fact that I am finding anything to do with numbers so incredibly funny is a clear indicator I am not totally rational.

I mean, sober.

Actually, everything went just fine until I got back to my room around 2 in the morning. And it was as if the cocktails had erased my most recent memories – you know, the langurs and my terrible genes – because I suddenly started thinking of my boyfriend.

Who was on the other side of the wall.

Who was only one climb over a balcony away.

And who smelt so nice.

Or something. I don't even know what I was thinking. If I even was capable of thinking anything. I seriously doubt that I truly was intoxicated when I decided to dye my hair orange. Because the hair color was like the last thing on my mind as I got onto the balcony and climbed onto the Michael's.

Or at least attempted to. It was kind of …. Well, difficult. It felt like the whole earth was shaking.

Well, at least I didn't go screaming EARTHQUAKE like Grandpa in Freaky Friday.

Apparently I produced enough noise to wake Michael up.

"Mia?" he said with a worried voice as he opened the balcony door.

"Michael," I said and threw my arms around him.

"Mia, are you ok?" he said breaking the embrace.

"Yeah, yeah … René took me down to the beach. We drank some because I was upset."

"Yeah, Vigo told me you were upset about something but had no idea what…"

"Langurs! I was upset about langurs! I mean I am upset over them! Do you know they are critically endangered? Do you know they are dying out as we speak?" I exclaimed.

Michael looked at me with a frown.

"I didn't know that. I will make sure I'll keep them in mind, though. Mia..."

"We have to do something!" I shouted. "We have to save them, I mean … they are just soooo cute!"

"I'll take your word for that."

"You know what's also cute?" I said and wrapped my hands around his neck again. It smelt so nice. And he was so cute with his messy hair.

"A few things come to mind but I don't think you mean any of them," he smiled at me.

"You," I said, "you are soooo cute."

"Mia, I think you are a bit…" he grinned.

But I didn't let him finish.

"And you know what? I want you," I said in the most seductive voice I could master.

"What?" he looked totally puzzled, which, I mean, says a lot about my skills when it comes to seduction.

"I've been wanting you for a long time now … and now you are here … and I want you."

And I kissed him. Only that he broke the kiss almost immediately.

"Mia, stop…"

"You know that Beyoncé song? I don't know much about algebra but I know 1 + 1 equals two? Well, I want 1+1, so you and me, to equal 1. I want us together. Together."

He just stared at me like I was nuts. Then a smile spread across his face but he quickly hid it.

He cleared his throat.

"I don't think this is exactly the place or time …"

"Are you saying no to me?" I exclaimed. "This is the second time I am offering and I don't think you will get the third chance!"

"Well, it is not my fault if your offers always come at such bad times, Mia," he smiled. "Otherwise, trust me, I wouldn't have second thoughts. How much have you drank?"

"Are you saying I am drunk? Because I am not, I am totally not, I can totally name all the princes of Belgium – Prince Laurent, Prince Lorenz …"

"Just the fact that you are happily reciting the family trees of royal families tells me you are not sober," Michael laughed.

Really. Thank god I have a boyfriend who does not let me lose my virginity while being drunk.

I am so embarrassed. I am totally gonna tear the pages out of my diary and burn them.

How am I gonna face Michael now?

 

Sunday, December 29, 12 am

Michael was already in the dining room when I got there for breakfast. He winked at me when I sat down next to him, trying to look cool and collected while my heart was beating like crazy.

"Mia, what is a langur?" was the first thing dad said to me from behind the paper.

"An endangered animal," I said.

"Well, I should have known," sighed Dad and turned the page in his paper.

As I was buttering the slice of bread (wanna bet Grandmere mentioned the special pancakes Pierre made for Michael and me yesterday?) I suddenly got this great idea.

"Dad, do you think I could mention langurs in my speech on Tuesday? You, know. The one for the animal shelter?" I asked.

"You do not to be that specific," said Grandmere, "lord forbid you had more than more speech! And absolutely not! Just say what the press team has prepared for you and say nothing more!"

"I am with your grandmother on this one," said Dad and took a sip of coffee, "I am sure langurs or however they are called are lovely animals and have many people fighting for them. You fight for Genovia's stray cats and that's more than enough."

This is what you get when you are not depressed any longer. A year ago, Dad would probably call zoos all over the globe to find one that had a langur and was willing to lend it to us for the day of the speech so that I could let the world know of the endangered species. Just so that I wouldn't be cooped up in my room, eating leftovers from dinner.

"The last thing we need is another parking meters debacle," said Grandmere.

Which is totally unfair. I know how much money Genovia earned from them.

"I don't see how mentioning an endangered species could cause a debacle," I said.

"Just read what has been prepared for you, Mia," sighed Dad.

And what has been prepared for me is:

Animals, our pets, are always there for us. When we are sad, they comfort us, when we are happy, they make us happier. Every time we get home, they are happy to see us. They never let us down.

Yet we, the people let our pets down so many times. We often put our needs before theirs and too often, pets that used to be so beloved, found themselves on the streets, alone.

They cannot say what they feel.

They cannot save themselves.

So we need to speak for them

So we need to save them.

The amazing, kind, compassionate and determined people of Genovia SPCA fight for the abandoned animals every day, day after day. They are not only the examples of true animals lovers, but also the examples of what every human being should be - we all need to step up for those who cannot do it themselves.

So I am honored to be able to help them realize one of their goals today – the opening of a new animal shelter. I know that now they will be able to make an even bigger difference. They will be able to save even more lives and give many, many animals a chance for a better life.

And I encourage you, people of Genovia, to open your hearts and come here, look into the eyes of the most honest, humble friends one could find. With this act, you will not only save a life, but you will also enrich YOUR life! Feel the unconditional love, I encourage you all to adopt a pet.

 

Which is all nice and all but … THERE ARE NO LANGURS IN IT!

 

Sunday, December 29, 1 pm

Princess Lessons.

Again.

I still haven't had time to talk to Michael about last night. It's almost as if Grandmere knows there's something Michael and I need to talk about because she just doesn't give me a time to even catch a breath! I mean, right after breakfast I was dragged to a salon where I am listening to some Royal Manners that are most likely made up by Grandmere pretty much the moment she says them.

I am not entirely sure this is a very bad thing, though. I have no idea what I would say.

I mean, I told him I wanted to have sex.

And I was drunk.

I am never drunk.

And I am not the one in our relationship that never hides their desire for the other.

 

Sunday, December 29, 1:30 pm

This is so boring. Who cares if I know to drink champagne like a princess?

Seriously. How can princesses drink champagne in any other way that 'ordinary' people?

Isn't drinking drinking?

I mean, satisfying basic human needs is universal. We learnt that in school.

Oh, right, Grandmere's school is not the same as a normal school. Its curriculum has been designed with a sole purpose to torture me.

I'll just make a list or something. She is not even paying attention to me.

**List Of My Favorite Paramore Songs**

1\. My Heart

2\. Future

3\. I'm Not Angry Anymore

4\. All I Wanted

5\. Ignorance

6\. Careful 

7\. In The Mourning

8\. Renegade

 

Seriously. This band is totally my life. From my heartbreak, to moving on and rebelling against Grandmere.

And then I wonder why I have orange hair?

 

Sunday, December 29, 4 pm

Ok, so Michael doesn't hate me.

And he didn't make fun of me.

And he didn't break up with me.

I mean, not that I feared that he would but, you know, you never know. Guys are weird. Even totally calm, understanding and patient guys like Michael.

I mean, guys totally accept the fact that Titanic sinks at the end of the movie and that wardrobe just wasn't big enough for two people. Excuse me but WHAT? It is completely UNFAIR that it sinks, plus, the wardrobe totally is big enough (didn't they watch Mythbusters?)! It is just a cheap trick the producers used on viewers because Jack dying affected viewers and awoken such strong feelings in us it made the movie a masterpiece! I am sorry but I will never get over the fact that Jack dies just so that producers could earn a lot of money while Rose has to live without him. NEVER!

But that's not really what I wanted to write about.

When Grandmere went on a hunt for another Sidecar, I sneaked out of the salon to find Michael. I bumped into him on the hallway where he had been waiting on me to be done with Princess Lessons (so apparently the technological aspects of the palace have been taken care of. Good to know. Maybe now I will finally be able to watch Lifetime movies from my bed.).

"Hey, you," he smiled at me.

"Michael, I am so embarrassed," I quickly said before the smell of his neck would make me completely fuzzy.

He just pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my temples.

"So you drank a bit much, it happens," he laughed. Then he looked me directly in the eyes and I could feel my knees giving in. "But did you really mean it, though? Do you really want us to make love?"

I think he tried to hide the excitement in his eyes but I could still see it.

But of course I didn't get to answer with a big fat YES … I mean, I can't even find time to make out with my boyfriend – how could I possibly have a few minutes to discuss SEX with the said boyfriend?

"No! Not you too!" I heard Grandmere screaming.

I don't really know what I thought she was screaming about. Maybe that her maid wouldn't make her another sidecar as her doctor has warned her that she is drinking too much? Or that maybe a new vet we have confirmed Rommel's diagnosis of OCD? Or even that my Dad, inspired by me, René and Sebastiano, also decided to get a total makeover?

Anyway, I ran towards her because, you know, that's just me, putting everyone else's needs before mine.

I found Grandmere in the dining room, with a sidecar in her hand and a very angry expression in her eyes, focused on none other than Harry himself.

And what followed, well, it wasn't the most embarrassing conversation of my life but it definitely up there somewhere.

Harry: Hey, Genovia! Nice hair. How's it goin'?

Grandmere: Please, learn proper English! What are you even doing here?

Rene (who suddenly appears out of nowhere, with his hair being a total mess – apparently the dye he has on is not super water-resistant because his hair is partly back to its normal brown): I invited him.

Grandmere: Why?

Rene: Well, you being so busy with Arne and all, and Mia being busy with her boyfriend or whatever, I just desired some company.

Which, by the way, is totally not true. Rene spends way too much time at Genovian Opera House or House of Ballet to feel lonely.

Harry (he steps closer to where Michael and I were standing, with his eyes wide open): So this is That Boy? (at this point he is completely ignoring my attempts to let him now he needs to SHUT UP) Well, you are a minor celebrity around here, mate, ladies never seem to be able to shut up about you (Grandmere is looking totally mortified and I too feel like crawling into a hole and never leaving it. Because it is not true – I can totally shut up about Michael.) I am Harry.

Grandmere: Sidecar! What do I have to do around here to get a Sidecar?!

Harry: Relax, Clarisse, all this alcohol isn't good for ya. Besides, it is time for tea. I brought with me some of the finest English teas. I believe your chef is making them right as we speak.

We go to a salon and tea is already waiting for us. Grandmere has that look on her face that just screams SOMEBODY IS GONNA GET FIRED FOR THIS. I just pray it won't be Pierre. I need that man for my wedding!

I try to sit down next to Michael but somehow Harry gets in the way and so I end up sitting next to Sebastiano whose Mohawk is down, probably trying to hide the stars he has at the sides of his head since at breakfast Grandmere told him that stars have nothing to do with Genovia and Sebastiano still thinks Grandmere can turn him into a super successful designer.

Harry: So, Michael, Genovia here tells me you have been in Japan for the past year.

Michael: Yeah, that's about right.

Harry: So what exactly are you building there? All Mia could tell me is that it is some kind of a surgical robot?

Thank you so much, Harry! Now I look completely inattentive in my boyfriend's eyes! Like I don't ever listen to him! Which I do, just, I usually don't understand what he's saying!

Michael: Um … it is a robotic arm, actually. It is a system that allows surgeons to operate on the heart without having to crack the chest open. It has MRI, X-ray, CT scan built in.

We all just stare at Michael because we don't really understand what he's saying. The only noises in the salon are Rommel's shrieks when Grandmere pets him.

Harry: Wow. That's … dog's bollocks.

Not that we understand that either.

Sebastiano: so what color will it be?

Rene: so, what, is this the equipment that will only be available in like, a few hospitals all over the world or will it be like, I don't know, X-ray, pretty much in every hospital?

Michael: well, we are certainly hoping to get it in as many hospitals as possible. I mean, sure, if surgeons want to use it, they will require basic training, but then it is rather simple to use.

Harry: right. So then it will be as revolutionary as, I don't know, X-ray?

Michael: I wouldn't go to such great lengths since X-ray was the first scanner of any kind. There are other surgical instruments available today already, but CardioArm is the first system that incorporates advanced imaging technology. But, yes, it will make the work easier for the surgeons and the recovery less painful for the patients.

I know, right? My boyfriend is so smart!

Too smart for me, probably.

Rene (looking completely confused): well, that's great.

Harry (looking similarly confused): so much money did you make from selling it?

Michael (looking puzzled): Selling it?

Harry: Well, you know, the revolutionary medical equipment? Companies that deal with this kind of cracking stuff would die to have something like this under their name. I mean, it is bound to sell well and earn millions, right?

Michael: I suppose. I didn't sell the prototype to anyone.

Rene: No? Then what did you do with it, then?

Michael: Well, I founded my own company that will start selling the CardioArm in a few months.

Sebastiano: you have your own compa? Like Dolce and Gabbana or something?

Michael: yes.

Harry: wow … so you are a CEO?

Michael: yes, among other things

Harry: and you will be totally in control of the sells once the arm hits the market?

Michael: yeah, basically.

Harry (reaching out for the teapot): Wow, you're utterly minted, man! And you called it, what did you say again, CardioArm?

Michael: That's the name of the product. The company is Pavlov Surgical.

Rene: oh, after that psychologist?

Michael: No - well, yes. I named my dog after Pavlov and the company after my dog. But basically yes.

I don't really know why this turned out to be such a shock for everyone in the salon. I mean, ok, maybe they don't really know Michael as well as I do. I know that he loves his dog and Pavlov truly is the most adorable thing ever, but they could still react more maturely than they did. René totally spat the tea out of his mouth back into the cup. Harry just raised his eyebrows and practically dropped the teapot he was holding, but luckily, one of the servants was nearby and managed to catch it before tea would be all over Persian carpets. Sebastiano's eyes went wide, kind of like every time he watches Milano Fashion Week Videos on YouTube

I swear, for a moment actually thought Grandmere went into cardiac arrest. I mean, she turned totally pale and her eyes dilated which looked so scary with that black line she has tattooed. She kind of looked like people in The Ring when Samara climbed out of TV.

"Well, did you hear that, Amelia?" she said with a broken voice.

"Hear what?" I asked.

"He named his company after his dog. After his animal!" she screamed.

"Yeah, so? It's cute," I shrugged. I mean, seriously, what was all the commotion about? Pavlov is the sweetest thing, especially when he climbs in your lap and starts licking your face

"Cute is the last word I would use … Sidecar! I am still waiting on my Sidecar!"

"Grandmere, are you ok?" I asked. She really didn't look good.

"Ok? I don't think I will ever be perfectly ok again …"

Grandmere's eyes turned to Michael and she was looking at him for what seemed like forever. She didn't even say anything to Rene who swore in French while trying to get tea out of his white shirt ("princes never wash anything out of their clothes; they just put on new ones").

Then her maid finally brought her Sidecar and as she took the glass in her hands, Grandmere sighed loudly.

"Well, I suppose it could be worse after all. It could actually be a farmer …"

Why is my family so weird? I don't understand any of them.

"What farmer?" I exclaimed, "What are you talking ABOUT? A farmer could be WHAT?"

But she totally ignored me, like always, I guess.

"Who made this sidecar? I can barely taste any lemon in this! Is it so hard to make a proper sidecar or do you expect me to do it myself?"

Is there some sort of 'The Weirdest Family Of The World' competition? Because I think we could totally win. What is up with everyone? So Michael reinvented cardio surgery. So he has his company now. There's no need to be spilling tea all over the place. I mean, I told them Michael is a genius. I told him why he went to Japan for. Why are they even surprised? I am not.

Ok, maybe I am not being fair. I mean, he did tell me he'd founded his own company and all a few months back, but even then I didn't kick up such a fuss. Well, besides saying 'that's so cute' over and over when he told me he named it after Pavlov.

But whatever.

And what is up with Grandmere and her farmers? I thought she was angry at that fortune teller that told me I'd marry a farmer – no, I mean, a guy who makes a living off his animal. Why did she bring that up? I mean, the last thing I need is Michael finding out a fortune teller told me I would marry someone else.

Not that Michael believes in fortune tellers.

I think.

I hope.

 

Sunday, December 29, 6 pm

Seriously. Grandmere should just get over it.

She has to face it. She was wrong.

Ha!


	16. Chapter 16

Sunday, December 29, 8 pm

She is seriously angry with me.

I am stuck at dinner with Genovian olive farmers.

She didn't let Michael come. I asked why and she said it was because he wasn't the member of Genovian Royal Family.

Then I pointed out neither was Natalia who is sitting opposite to me and keeps asking waiters for water because alcohol is apparently going directly into her thighs.

Grandmere said Michael had no proper clothing with him anyway.

Which, I am sorry, but Sebastiano could easily make something for him in no time.

René just whispered to me that Grandmere is probably not as upset with Michael as she is with the fact that I have a functional relationship while her consort, Arne, has still not come back from his road trip.

He said that if she allowed him to come with his blue hair (though, to be honest, the constant washing of his hair is showing some kind of effect – half of his hair is now back to its normal brown), Michael's clothing definitely wouldn't be a problem.

Then he added that Grandmere was probably worried that the farmers would be so impressed with Michael that they would completely forget to compliment her shiny and wrinkleless skin.

Besides, Harry too wasn't allowed to come so, René finished, it definitely wasn't personal when Grandmere decided Michael couldn't come.

Things are so simple in guys' minds, aren't they?

 

Sunday, December 29, 9 pm

My sincere apologies to the leading meteorology experts that are also here but I forgot to mention them.

They are having a lengthy discussion regarding the effects of global warming on Genovia's agriculture.

Which, I mean, is a big problem and all, but I have been telling this to everyone since I found out I was a princess. I am the one fighting for the artificial Christmas tree in the main square. I am the one fighting for free public transportation for all Genovians.

And I am the one nobody ever listens to.

Just because I didn't graduate from meteorology, it does not mean I am completely clueless.

 

Sunday, December 29, 10 pm

**List Of Best NCIS Moments, By HRH Mia & HRH René**

1\. When Tony stops the car only to yell his lungs out.

2\. Tony being high on painkillers –'my fingers are fingering …'

3\. Kate & Tony at the gynecologist's office - 'you slept with my sister', 'I thought she was you!', 'she weighs 300 pounds!'

4\. Tony: 'If I needed to be cheered up I would have put super glue on McGee's keyboard.' McGee: 'You put super glue on my keyboard!'

5\. Pimmy Jalmer falling down that hill / Stay in the Car!

6\. Ziva licking Tony's ear to wake him up

7\. 'Step down McFlowerPower, you've had your chance to speak'

8\. Gibbs shooting that guy in the butt

 

Sunday, December 29, 10:30 pm

All formal dinners end before 10 pm.

So why is this one still lasting? Why are we now having another round of desserts and wine in the salon instead of the dining room?

Grandmere can say whatever she wants but I know it is not because she would be so fascinated with olive trees.

 

Sunday, December 29, 11 pm

What is Grandmere thinking? René has already started his third bottle of the evening.

There is no way this is ending well.

 

Sunday, December 29, 11:30 pm

René ended up dancing with this totally cute girl. She seemed to be totally psyched about dancing with a prince.

Even though René is only a prince by his title.

But whatever.

After the dance ended, René joined the Royal musicians and sang an old French song to the girl and sadly replaced some words regarding her facial beauty with words of other beautiful parts of her body.

What is even sadder is that it turned out that the girl was an under-aged daughter of the leading Genovian meteorologist.

René was escorted to his room, and meteorologist and his daughter left. Which means, no more discussions about global warming.

Now we are listening about the fertilizers.

And I am the youngest person in the room by, I don't know, 40 years?

I wonder what Michael is doing.

 

Monday, December 30, midnight

Is there a more boring thing than discussing fertilizers and fertile fields?

As it turns out, there is - discussing fertilizers and fertile fields in French.

 

Monday, December 30, 1 am

Ok … it turned out Grandmere truly wasn't that interested in olive groves.

We got the second round of desserts because she didn't want to wait for Arne to come back to the palace all by herself. So she pumped us with chocolate and expensive wine so that our adenosine receptors got tricked into believing we weren't tired at all. We were happily chatting and singing along to the Royal Band until midnight when Arne finally showed up. Grandmere looked actually happy to see him.

I know she loves Genovia and diamond rings but this … why would she wait up for a guy?

Could it be that she actually LIKES him?

No, not Grandmere. She doesn't like anybody.

Except maybe Rommel (I saw the checks his vet gets) - though I kind of doubt that sometimes.

Anyway, this evening Arne is bringing some people he met on his trip. One of them is a chef who, according to Arne, makes the best Normandy Pork of the Southern France. Arne insists Grandmere has to try it so Pierre has an evening off tonight.

I do hope this chef Arne admires is as good when it comes to desserts as he is apparently with meat.

Something tells me I won't be getting anything vegetarian tonight.

Again.

I mean, I know our guests and their tastes are important, but what about me? I am the princess, last time I checked?

And it is not like I am asking for, I don't know, diamond shoes or The Heart of the Ocean.

I just want dinner without meat.

Am I really asking too much?

NO ANIMAL EVEN HAS TO DIE FOR MY MEAL!

 

Monday, December 30, 2 am

I am not selfish. I am not selfish at all. It is not like I want Michael all for myself. I have no problem sharing him with the entire world.

But ... I mean, Dad did bring him here so that we could spend some time together. And we don't get to spend time together because the world keeps taking its share!

Sebastiano totally occupied him this evening. And he has still not let him go. Vigo told me they are in one of the receptions rooms of the palace discussing how to found a company.

Yes, at two in the morning they are discussing WORK! ECONOMY! BUSINESS!

Ok, evil Sebastiano, who are you and what have you done with my Sebastiano? You know, the slightly coocoo cousin of mine who is super fun to be around because his greatest worry is the use of polyester?

I would go find them but there are soooo many reception rooms in the palace and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

Here's to hoping that maybe tomorrow I will get an hour or two of alone time with Michael.

I mean today. Is it today already?

 

Monday, December 30, 2:30 am

I'll just stay up until Michael comes back. I'll just wait for him in his room. I mean, I need to talk to him.

I truly don't understand why Grandmere hates Britney Collection Sebastiano made so much. I mean, all the shirts are super comfortable, plus, each of them has a meaning. I feel so bad that the only way I can use them is to sleep in them. Because Grandmere would freak if she saw me wearing it during the day.

I'm Mrs. 'You want a piece of me?'

Tryin' and pissin' me off

Well get in line with the paparazzi

Who's flippin' me off

Maybe she doesn't like it because, according to her, it isn't in 'proper English'?

 

Monday, December 30, 8 am

I didn't get a good night kiss because I fell asleep before Michael came back. But I got my good morning kiss.

And that was pretty much it.

I wouldn't even get that kiss if I didn't wake up while Michael was leaving the room. Because, guess what, it wasn't even eight in the morning but he and Sebastiano were already off to discussing more business.

What are they cooking up? What could be more important than breakfast?

And, well, as far as Michael is concerned, me?

 

Monday, December 30, 11 am

It turned out the servant who caught the teapot Harry dropped yesterday, wasn't as fast as we thought.

It has just been discovered that there are some tea spots on the Persian carpet in the salon.

I think Grandmere will get a heart attack or something, because she keeps screaming that 'Dear Mahbod got it for her on a Persian market and it has a great meaning to her'.

Oh my god. We have dry cleaners in Genovia, do you know that, Grandmere?

Actually, we also have them in PALACE!

It is just tea.

 

Monday, December 30, 2 pm

This is not good. This is not good at all.

So I spent another hour posing for the Royal Portrait. The painter had a very worried look on his face the whole time and it looked like he was hoping to chew off the end of the brush.

Then he finally gave in.

"I cannot do this," he said.

"Why not? You did it last year already!" said Grandmere sharply.

"The colors are all off! It will not match all the other portraits!" he screamed.

"How can the colors be off?" I asked. "I was posing in this exact room last year!"

"Yes, Princess, but you didn't have orange hair! Orange hair will look too bright in the collection of portraits! It will stand out too much!"

"What are you saying?" said Grandmere with her eyes wide open.

"I am saying … maybe we should skip one year?" said the painter carefully.

 

Monday, December 30, 4 pm

YES, GRANDMERE, I LEARNT MY LESSON, I AM NEVER DYING MY HAIR ORANGE AGAIN. I GOT IT, NOW CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TORTURING ME?

I had a whole afternoon dedicated to posing for the portrait; now that it has been canceled, do you think I get an afternoon off? Of course not; I am having speech lessons with Grandmere and Vigo.

That's right, for that speech for the shelter tomorrow.

I just have to memorize it. I don't need a whole afternoon of practice!

I mean, Vigo even said that I can READ it! Exactly! They are so afraid that I will forget what to say and end up saying something … well, something like how good the parking meters are that I am allowed to just read the speech.

And, I mean, given the fact that I am about to graduate from high school next year (given that I pass the Trigonometry, that is, of course), every rational being would think, hey, the girl must know how to read, no need to make her read it again and again!

But no, not Grandmere and her evil accomplice!

Now they are telling me about the correct position of my hands during the speech (I am not kidding. Who cares what I will do with my hands?).

I reminded them that we were late for lunch and do you know what my own GRANDMOTHER told me?

"Amelia, we have a fine dinner in the evening and skipping a meal won't do you any harm."

And then in the evening, she will say something like, Amelia, you would look so much better in this dress if you had any hips!

I can't win. I just can't win.

 

Monday, December 30, 5 pm

René humiliated the royal family last night with his erratic behavior (even I am not afraid to say it and I am, according to pretty much everyone, super kind and forgiving).

And yet it seems everyone has forgiven him.

I know, he is René and he does those kinds of stuff all the time but – WHAT DID I DO TO THAT WAS SO MUCH WORSE THAN WHAT RENE DID? I mean, he is free to walk around the palace as if nothing has happened while I …

Seriously, what did I do? What did I do that was so bad that I don't even get A MINUTE with my boyfriend?

I am so desperate I would be totally content with a single minute. Not a make-out session, I would just like to see him. Just a second of smelling his neck would reassure me that somehow I will survive this dreadful dinner that's staring in an hour.

I mean, I took a peek in the kitchen and THERE'S MEAT EVERYWHERE.

 

Monday, December 30, 6 pm

I can't believe I am actually saying this, but it is the truth.

I feel sorry for Grandmere.

I really do.

Because it turned out … one of the people Arne brought along is none other than Contessa Trevanni.

And he brought her along as his date.

Yes, DATE!

To a dinner hosted by a woman who has had a special chemical treatment of her face done especially for HIM.

He walked in the palace with Contessa in tow, looking all happy. Bella, her granddaughter, was following, with her usual sad expression on her face.

"Clarisse!" he exclaimed, "come meet Contessa Trevanni!"

I thought Grandmere would throw them both out. Seriously, she had that look on her face. But I guess then she remembered that princesses do not throw people out, mainly because they never lose their cool.

I don't know what upsets Grandmere more, the fact that Arne does not seem to like her or the fact that he seems to like Contessa Trevanni.

I know how terrible it must be for Grandmere. I mean, she put so much effort into this Christmas with Arne and all and … I don't know, she does seem to really like him, no matter how alien it sounds (she has been obsessed with rich men before but never to this extent. She usually tried to show her men how great Genovia and its cuisine are; she never had Pierre make national cuisines of her men's country). And now he came to dinner with her worst enemy as a date.

I know how it feels. I remember how much it hurt when I saw Michael and Judith together that time we went skating. And especially how terrible it was when it turned out they were in some sense more than friends.

Grandmere didn't mention that they already know each other and neither did Contessa. They just smiled to each other and they wore the fakest smiles I have ever seen. I think that if the two of them would be alone in …

Wait – what is going on?


	17. Chapter 17

Monday, December 30, 7 pm

My boyfriend looks so hot in the tux.

Yes, Grandmere said it was ok for Michael to come to the dinner tonight. I don't know what made her change her mind but I DO NOT CARE!

"Where have you been all day?" he asked me after a big kiss.

"No – where have YOU been all night AND all day?" I said. "What were you doing with Sebastiano?"

"He made me a tux," he shrugged.

"Right. I might actually believe that if I hadn't seen with my own eyes how fast he is with sawing," I eyed him suspiciously.

"You'll find out sooner or later," he smiled at me all mysteriously, "now, while I am happy to talk about your family, I would actually prefer to kiss you again."

I think Agnes and Rosagunde cried in their graves as I dropped the subject and let him kiss me. I mean, he looked so HOT! And he smelled so NICE! Women might really not need men to be strong and independent, but I don't think it hurts to have a man.

Especially if he is as hot, smart, funny and nice as Michael.

 

Monday, December 30, 8 pm

We just finished with the soup and the main course is being brought.

I'll just say that it won't be my fault if by the end of the evening the dress looks way too big on me.

 

Monday, December 30, 8:30 pm

Arne is totally losing Grandmere's affection. He just asked Sebastiano who his hair stylist is because he totally loved his half-up half-down Mohawk.

Grandmere nearly dropped the fork in a very un-princess-like matter.

 

Monday, December 30, 9 pm

This dinner is getting weirder and weirder.

I mean, yeah, Grandmere is still ignoring Michael.

Natalia, Dad's girlfriend, finally found someone she can talk to during formal events (she is a nice person and all but she knows nothing about olives trees or economy) – Kjetil's girlfriend, Greta. They are discussing this very expensive French cream they bought because it was supposed to make their skin tighter but instead, it left them with a terrible rash (that's society's crazy obsession for beauty and perfect skin, everybody!).

Kjetil hasn't moved his eyes off his iPhone (no, wait, actually he did – when looked up when I sat down, saying he thought I was still being treated in hospital for the tree incident - which was mean and all but at least he didn't sell the pictures he took with his phone to the media).

René hasn't learned anything from last night, he is still happily drinking and telling me all he knows about Bella (apparently, she is no longer engaged to some waiter dude from Belgium. She also wasn't accepted to some fine Swiss school. Contessa is supposedly putting her under immense pressure since she has to find a proper husband if she wants to continue living the high society life)

Harry is demonstrating in just how many languages he can ask for a hot bath (he might know Korean but I know Irish).

But that's not it.

What's weird is that Grandmere does not let Arne talk about his hunting days. Nor about food. Nor about what he has seen on his road trip. She even just smiled impatiently when he complimented her hair.

She is too busy verbally batting Contessa Trevanni.

I mean, it is no mystery, Grandmere can be and usually is verbally abusing and all but she never does it in public, as a princess.

She is seriously upset. I think she thinks Contessa Trevanni only agreed to come as Arne's date because she doesn't want Grandmere to catch him.

Seriously, the two of them are worse than two high school girls (and I would know since I am a high school girl):

Grandmere: Elena, did you know that my granddaughter has been chosen as People's Favorite Royal this year? And she is not even eighteen!

[Ok, why does she keep saying this to everyone? I don't want to be World's Favorite Royal! I want to be known by, I don't know, my writings or my activism regarding endangered animals (LANGURS!) or environmental worries!]

Contessa: yeah, I don't find it that surprising. People usually go for best dressed, best hairstyle types. Paolo Metzanni is her stylist, right? I hear he is very good. And with a proper dress, I think everyone can look their best. Even if their best is way beyond their normal self.

[I never said I look good or anything, this was totally evil coming from her! Both Dad and Michael are sending really ugly looks in her direction. And Paolo is THE BEST!]

Grandmere (ignoring her): and the nicest thing is that Amelia doesn't even care about being voted as the most beautiful or the most popular royal! She is too involved with many humanitarian causes to care about pointless things like this! Did you know a new animal shelter is opening tomorrow thanks to her? Her charm has found enough generous donators so that the SPCA could build a completely new shelter in Genovia! And it is not just animals she is concerned about! Thanks to her, recycling bins are now found throughout Genovia. I believe we are the only country in the world that has only recycling bins. She is a great environmentalist. This summer she is once again planning to throw snails in the bay so that the alga won't grow! Do you know how many fishermen will get their livelihood because of her selfless actions?

[As nice as it is to hear Grandmere say this about me, I know she doesn't really mean them. She hates those snails. And she does not care about the fishermen. All she cares about is looking better than Contessa Trevanni.

But she is having a really bad evening, with Arne betraying her and all, so I guess I will let her use me as a bragging object.

Again.

BUT THIS TIME IT WON'T END WITH ME DANCING WITH RENE!]

Contessa: I am sure she is doing it all for her love for Genovia. My Bella here, she has been volunteering in hospitals since she was sixteen. She is helping disabled children and even spends time in orphanage socializing with poor children there. She teaches them how to read, ride the bicycle, everything. She is selflessly devoted to poor children!

Grandmere: have I ever told you that Amelia is most likely going to Sarah Lawrence? I would have gone to that school if I hadn't married her grandfather … it is one of the finest school in the world, don't you think?

[Colleges? AGAIN? I have no idea where I will go to. I mean there are so many factors to consider … besides, with my SAT math score … though, as Trisha said, I will get accepted everywhere.

Because I am a princess.

But then again, I would much rather go saving whales.

Yeah, I too think I will have to pick a college eventually.]

Contessa (with the fakest happy voice I have ever heard – these high society ladies are so good at faking things, aren't they?): how lovely! Bella is too busy to attend college right now. With all her charity work and volunteering in hospitals, orphanages, she rather devotes herself to the poor than to textbooks.

Grandmere: she wanted to go to that Swiss school if I am not mistaken? How she could not have been accepted, is beyond me. What was the reason again? Something to do with skiing inappropriately or something? Please remind me, I cannot remember …

Contessa (suddenly frowning): well, Clarisse, as far as I know, you hired a guy who coaches professional skiers to teach your dear granddaughter to ski and yet she ended up with a sprained ankle. I think this tells a lot about her skiing skills.

[Seriously, who else knows about this?]

Grandmere: she was skiing just fine! It wasn't her fault if a poor dog ran towards her! Of course she couldn't ski over him or something, it would kill Rommel, he has such a fragile body! She rather sacrificed herself than hurting the animal! Can you be more selfless?

[Wait – did she just admit her dog was the reason for my sprained ankle? Before today she kept saying the guy she hired sucked at coaching?]

Contessa: well, Bella here is going to Zambia in the summer. She will volunteer there in a village, work in a hospital and oversee a construction of a new school.

[Is it just me or are Kjetil and Bella secretly sending looks to each other's direction? Contessa is too busy trying to look good in comparison to Grandmere to notice and, well, everyone else is enjoying the Beef Tourtiere]

Grandmere: it is so sad, the situation the African children are in, don't you think? Amelia has been sponsoring a village in Somalia since she was fifteen. A girl from that village is actually going to Cairo this year to study medicine. She would have never gotten this opportunity had it not been for my dear granddaughter. Oh, and the wonders she has done for sea creatures! She has been a devoted support and donator to, what is it again, Greenpeace since she was fourteen! Every time you see the activist saving whales, you know it is all thanks to my granddaughter and her daily contributions! She is surely making a difference on this planet! She is so selfless, so in love with everything living that refuses to even wear brands that use real fur! And she doesn't eat meat! She rather starves the whole dinner than eats meat!

Arne (looking totally freaked): well, speaking of meat, this was delicious. What do you say, should we take a break? Maybe have some wine before the desserts?

So now we are in salon, waiting for desserts to be served. And we will keep waiting until Bella shows up.

She probably went to fix her make up or something.

 

Monday, December 30, 10 pm

Strangely, Kjetil too disappeared. Seriously, can they both just come back so that we can have the desserts and then go our separate ways? I mean, my boyfriend is here and I am stuck in a room of much older people who keep talking about battling recession.

I would much rather play Seven Minutes in Heaven in one of the closets in the hallway with my boyfriend.

Shame my boyfriend seems to be more into talking about economy.

 

Monday, December 30, 10:30 pm

Desserts are getting cold.

Our chef for the night is getting impatient.

 

Monday, December 30, 10:40 pm

Servants go searching for the missing couple.

I go look for René because, let's face it, he usually causes trouble in the Genovian palace.

I find him in one of the hallways, having a sliding in socks competition with Harry, Sebastiano, and Francois.

Which, you gotta admit, is still way better than anything else he has done this Christmas.

 

Monday, December 30, 10:45 pm

I got talked into joining them for a round.

But just one.

 

Monday, December 30, 10:55 pm

Ok, five. Or six, I lost count.

Francois is winning big time. Though Harry was so close to beating him but unfortunately, in his would-be-winning slide he lost balance and crashed into a weird-looking sculpture that, according to Francois, is actually my grandfather's favorite English Beagle.

 

Monday, December 30, 11:10 pm

Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking this dinner thing would be so much more fun if it included Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Bella and Kjetil were finally found making out in the janitor's closet.

Kjetil's girlfriend, Greta, theatrically left the palace, calling airlines to get a first-class ticket back to Oslo.

Arne suddenly ran out of his hunting stories.

Contessa Trevanni's eyes are still widened with horror.

Grandmere isn't even trying to hide glee on her face.

And we are finally getting desserts.

Yaaaaaaaaaay.

 

Monday, December 30, 11:30 pm

"Janitor's closet, huh?" whispered Michael into my ear after we sat down for desserts. "You know what that reminds me of?"

"Brooms?" I grinned.

 

Monday, December 30, 11:50 pm

Contessa didn't let her granddaughter leave the table and hide in her shame. She had to sit next to her grandmother, sitting straight though it was obvious the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Her partner in crime was slowly sipping wine, not looking terribly upset or anything.

I haven't seen Grandmere so happy in a long, long time; she wore a malicious smile in her face throughout desserts.

Then she cleared her throat and I could see Contessa shriek.

"Well, Elena, while your granddaughter is sneaking around well-heeled men in order to be a well-provided-for mistress since, let's face it, the chances of her being married well are basically zero, my granddaughter is going to marry a guy who became a millionaire from his own creation that saves lives before he turned 21."

After she finished, there was a silence in the room for a few moments. I mean, it took a while for her words to sink in.

And when they did, I basically just dropped the spoon and stared at her with my mouth open.

Did she just say …

"Alright, thanks for dinner, it was good!" exclaimed Harry quickly, "let's go, shall we?"

'We' meant me being dragged to the kitchen (when will people realize that the sight of meat does not calm me down? It is psychologically disturbing!). They sat me down on the counter and one of the servants out another piece of chocolate cake in front of me. Michael knelt down in front of me.

"Well, I gotta say that was the best dinner I ever attended," grinned René. "Clarisse is getting better and better at organizing these!"

"What did she just say?" I said. I looked at Michael. "Did she just say that she ... approves you?"

"If by him you mean his millions, yeah, I think she does," laughed Harry. "Come on, Genovia, drop the mask, it's not like this is some big surprise!"

I looked at him puzzled.

"Huh?"

"Jesus, Harry, we are talking to a girl who one year ago thought he hated her!" rolled his eyes René. "BC, I do realize none of us here possesses any quality knowledge when it comes to science and stuff, but it is not really that difficult to understand - the guy reinvented heart surgery. REINVENTED! And do you know what happens to people who reinvent something? They get RICH and FAMOUS! Look at Bill Gates or Steve Jobs!"

"She's not technological type, René. Look at Madonna who reinvented pop, or Britney or Beyoncé – they all reinvented music in their own way …"

"Harry, stop comparing him to pop artists! What we are trying to tell you … people who invent something get rich. VERY RICH. And if it's saving lives, it is just the cherry on the cake. Come on, even you can't be that dense!"

"I never thought this could make Grandmere…"

"Well, luckily you have a GENIUS here doing all the thinking for you," said Harry and pointed to Michael.

Michael just smiled modestly and took my hand.

"Come on, let's get out of this nuthouse, what do you say?" he said to me and his eyes sparkled.

"You call it nut house, I call it fun," laughed René, "Harry, I don't think Clarisse will let her guests finish the wine, you in?"

"Absolutely," grinned Harry.


	18. Chapter 18

Tuesday, December 31, 5 am

Falling asleep in the arms of your One True Love is the best feeling in the world.

Waking up with the same arms wrapped around you should be just as sweet. Well, it probably would be if the first thing that went through my head as I opened my eyes wasn't - TODAY IS THE SPEECH DAY.

FREAK OUT TIME.

Michael keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about. That I look beautiful, that I will charm everybody and that I am even allowed to read the speech. There is nothing for me to worry about.

I think he just wants me to calm down so that he can go back to sleep. I mean, we are functioning on only 3 hours of sleep.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 5:30 am

I decided to leave Michael alone (poor thing looked exhausted), so here I am, wandering around the palace.

The staff here is rather friendly at this early hour. Probably because Grandmere is still safely in her bed so she can't fire anyone on accounts of being too friendly with the members of the Royal Family.

Tuesday, December 31, 6 am

I am playing the ''How much you know about Genovia" quiz with laundry ladies. François was right – I know nothing about Genovia's pop culture!

 

Tuesday, December 31, 6:30 am

Heidi, one of the maids, wrote me a list of best Genovia's musicians and TV series. I am so downloading this when I get back to New York.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 6:45 am

François just told me about the remainder of the dinner, you know, after Michael and I sneaked out to the Winter Garden.

Contessa Trevanni and Bella left the palace completely embarrassed and took the cab to the train station. This probably means I will never ever have to attend Contessa's Black & White Gowns Ball again.

Grandmere kicked Arne and his cheating nephew out of the palace. Totally. She ordered servants to pack their bags and leave them at the front entrance. By some strange coincidence, a number of reporters witnessed it and took pictures.

Francois also showed me the morning paper. 'Don't Mess With Renaldo Women!' is written on the front cover – the whole article praises Grandmere for kicking out a guy who she had invited to spend the holidays with her but he rather went partying down the coast without her. She is, according to a reporter, an example for every woman – never let a guy play with you! We are better off alone than with a man who cannot commit!

Moreover, she was totally praised for not hiding it. I mean, royals always hide stuff like this (separate bedrooms for Charles and Diana on their honeymoon?) because our lives are supposed to be super glamorous and all and having everyday problems is just not part of our image. The reporter believes that, because royals are so admired by the public, this action will inspire many other women to stand up for themselves and stop being victims to men's passive abuse.

Why do I have a feeling Lilly will start LOVING my grandmother?

 

Tuesday, December 31, 7 am

I did it.

I beat François in the sliding in socks competition.

And he didn't let me win.

I think.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 8 am

Oh my god.

This is it. This is the final straw.

She is gonna kill him.

My grandmother will kill my boyfriend.

And it doesn't matter that it has been less than a day since she has somehow approved him as an adequate boyfriend for me.

It totally doesn't matter that he is now rich and famous.

She is never going to forgive him for this.

NEVER.

François had just challenged me to a rematch when I saw Sebastiano running towards us. He was wearing a shiny shirt in this crazy shade of blue and yellow pants with a zig-zag pattern. And his Mohawk was I think in the best shape I have ever since it.

"Amelie, here you are!" he exclaimed. "I was look all over the pal for you!"

"Is everything ok?" I asked.

"I come to say goodbye," he said.

It wasn't until that moment that I realized he was carrying two large suitcases with him.

"What? Why? Where are you going?"

"To America," he smiled.

I raised my eyebrows.

"Already? I thought we weren't going back for another two weeks …"

"I didn't think I was going today either," he said, "but that was befo Michael gave me instruct how to open my own compa."

"What? Michael did what?"

"He told me how I can open my own my own compa, like Dolce and Gabbana! So that I will fina be selling my lines! Like Britney Collection, World Gowns and Halloween Looks! Now I have to go or I will be late for my fli! The dress for today is alread prepared for you! Goodbye, my sweet Amelie!"

He just embraced me and blew me some kisses.

Yeah, this basically means I have been dumped by my own designer. I guess I will no longer be the most popular Royal now, much to Contessa Trevanni's glee.

Grandmere will freak. She sabotaged his lines with a reason. She knows how good Sebastiano is – we will never get another designer that is as good as him.

I HAVE A SPEECH IN A FEW HOURS. HOW CAN I FOCUS ON IT IF MY GRANDMERE IS ABOUT TO KILL MICHAEL?

But I am happy for Sebastiano. He totally deserves this.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 8:30 am

I just hope he won't forget me when he gets super famous.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 9 am

I was right.

But then again, it didn't really take a genius to figure out what she is about to do.

I have been asked to go see Grandmere in her room.

Meaning, I will now hear the news that Michael suddenly and unexpectedly died of a brain aneurysm.

And now I will regret for the rest of my life that I didn't give him the ultimate proof of my love for him this night.

Why didn't I listen to Lana?

 

Tuesday, December 31, 11 am

Oh my god. I can't believe …

Oh, no, no, no, no, she didn't have Michael killed. He is perfectly fine. As a matter of fact, he is sitting behind the desk in his room, working on his laptop while I am writing this on his bed.

Grandmere was still in her bed, surrounded by purple bed linen. She was petting Rommel, whose expression pretty much matched his owner's they both looked … miserable.

Grandmere looked … heartbroken.

I am not kidding.

"Oh, Amelia, I am glad you could come," she said when I entered. "Come sit down."

And so I sat down by her knees.

"Grandmere, are you ok?"

I mean, there wasn't even one sidecar on her nightstand! And it is an ultimate cure for her!

"Ok …" she sighed, "I guess I will be ok in the end …"

She didn't even give me that 'I am a Renaldo woman and Renaldo women are tough! I will bounce back!' talk.

She actually truly cared for Arne.

My grandmother who I have always considered to be emotionless.

I mean, this, as shocking as it is, is still way better than her killing Michael, but …. I have a speech today! How can I possibly not screw it up now? I mean, Dr K totally told me I am way too emotional and that I obsess with everything way too much, even with problems that aren't even mine! I call it caring but he named it pathological obsessing.

But how can I be an epitome of apathy if some jerk just broke my grandmother's heart?

"Grandmere, you are way too good for him, you know. You are way better than Contessa Trevanni. He is a fool not to have realized it."

I still think I was brave to say it. Grandmere never talks about her feelings. And she hates if anyone else acknowledges them.

But she just looked so sad! And I knew that if there was anyone she'd talk to, it would be me.

Which, if you think about it, is rather concerning.

How did we get so close? I mean, we annoy each other on regular bases. I even HATE her for the majority of time!

But … we are Renaldo women. In the end, Renaldo women stick together.

"Am I really that much better?"

This is worse than I thought it was. Grandmere having self-doubt?

I am totally calling Dr K.

No, wait, he is a child psychologist.

"Yes!"

"I thought so too, until yesterday … then I realized I am just as bad as Elena, if not worse."

"What?"

Grandmere took a deep sigh.

"I owe you an apology, Mia. I was wrong to use you for bragging in front of Elena."

"It's ok. She needed to have her smirk wiped off her face. I mean, it was so evil from her to come as Arne's…"

"I don't mean that, Mia," she interrupted. "I mean … I have been focusing so hard on why you are a better granddaughter than Bella that I totally missed what a great granddaughter you are. Actually, not only a granddaughter … Mia, I think you are a great princess."

I thought my eyes were going to jump out of their eye sockets.

"What? I am so NOT a good princess!" I screamed.

I mean, come on, my hair is ORANGE!

"I didn't mean it yesterday, but I do mean it now. You fight for the good and that is what princesses do. And regarding those monkeys you cried about … of course you can mention them in your speech today."

She is not well. She cannot be well. Why else would she be saying all this stuff?

"But dad said …"

"Leave your father to me. Just go on that stage and be you. Because you, Mia, equal a great princess."

And there was more.

I was about to leave when she put her hand on mine.

"And one more thing …"

"Yeah?"

"I am sorry for treating Michael the way I did, as someone who is wrong for you. I was wrong to judge him solely by his name when …. Right from the start it was obvious how much he loved you. I am sorry for all the problems I caused between you two. I know everybody will think that I changed my mind because of his robotic arm but … let's just say I now know how rare it is to be loved as much as you are loved by him …"

And she looked so sad, with her pale face (ok, that tattooed eyeliner looked that much more frightening) and messed up hair.

"You'll see, Grandmere, you will find somebody who will love you," I heard myself saying. Even though I might find it hard to believe it will happen, I do HOPE it will happen.

She can be nice when she wants to be nice.

And maybe she will learn something from this. For the long run.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 1 pm

Sebastiano left behind a very beautiful grey dress. Paolo curled my hair and did my makeup. If I end up messing up this speech, I will at least look good doing it.

Michael just leaned closer to me.

"I guess I once again won't get any alone time with you this afternoon, huh?"

He's a fast learner, isn't he?

 

Tuesday, December 31, 1:10 pm

We are on our way to the shelter. Grandmere decided to stay in the palace. Michael is encouragingly holding my hand while Dad is busy talking to his campaign manager over the phone.

I hope we never get there.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 1:20 pm

The worst thing about living in a petite country like Genovia is that you reach your destination in no time.

We are here.

And there are so many reporters around the stage where I will give my speech.

I am gonna be sick.

I cannot do this.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 1:30 pm

You know what? I wear a beautiful dress, I have a good hair day and I look GOOD! HOT!

I CAN DO THIS!

 

Tuesday, December 31, 2 pm

Oh my god, this shelter is beautiful.

They take such good care for the animals! And the staff, they are all so friendly! They keep thanking me when if you really think about it, I am supposed to be the one thanking THEM! I mean, these people actually realize how important it is to take care of the animals! They are dedicating their lives to it!

They are just what I would be if I wasn't a princess.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 2:15 pm

There are so many kittens here. And they are so cute. HOW CAN PEOPLE SAY NO TO ADOPTING THEM IS BEYOND ME. I WOULD TAKE THEM ALL!

I never want to leave this place.

Not just because these kitties are so adorable.

But mainly because of that. This is heaven for cat people like myself.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 2:30 pm

Michael just gave me one last kiss before I go to the stage.

"You'll be great," he keeps saying. "Just be you and speak from the heart. I mean, Mia, this is about cats. It doesn't get more you than this."

I don't care what he says. He might be a genius but geniuses are crazy. I mean, that van Gogh person cut his EAR off!

I so cannot do this.


	19. Chapter 19

Tuesday, December 31, 4 pm

Well …

This was …

Unexpected. Empowering. Liberating.

And nobody seems to be angry with me. Dad gave me a big hug and said he was proud of me.

Michael even came to the stage and KISSED ME IN FRONT OF ALL THE CAMERAS! IN FRONT OF THE WORLD!

And I have a feeling this isn't the last time he did something like this. Because I think that we are now ... a super couple. Now there is nothing to stop us (I mean, my grandmother has approved … no magazine will ever dare to write who I should be dating instead). We are now like Brad and Angie. Like David and Victoria. Like Beyoncé and Jay Z.

I still can't believe what happened. Nor understand it. I mean, I was SO nervous before they called me on stage. My hands were shaking and the cards I was holding were totally sweaty. I was totally sure that I would trip on my way to the microphone. Or that my heel would break (it happens way too often with me).

"… Princess of Genovia, Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo!" I heard them calling me and the crowd started cheering.

"I cannot do this," I whispered to Michael.

"Don't be silly," he said and kissed my temples. "Go. Just speak from your heart. And remember, I will love you no matter what happens, ok?"

And so I stumbled onto the stage, waved at the crowd, shook hands with the minister and directors of the shelter and SPCA.

And then I found myself standing in front of the microphone. There were people everywhere. Maybe not all Genovians came to see me speak, but at least 90% did.

No, I didn't find it stressful at all.

"Hello," I said in the tiniest voice and the voice in my head was going just read the cards! Go on! You can read, you know you can! Just read them!

And then another voice went just don't read too fast! Don't read too fast, they have to understand what you are saying!

If this isn't a sign of mental illness, then I do not know what it is.

"Animals, our pets, are always there for us. When we are sad, they comfort us, when we are happy, they make us happier. Every time we get home, they are happy to see us. They never let us down,"I started and tried to ignore the voice in my head that joined the choir, only this one was screaming JUST DON'T LOOK AT THE PEOPLE!

But you know, the more you try to suppress something, the more likely you are to do just that thing. So I looked up.

And the afternoon sun shone directly into my eyes.

And I guess I had a revelation.

It was totally movie-like, you know, when a light bulb lights in one's head.

I suddenly thought of a million different things.

I remembered that time Michael called me and I was totally freaking about, well, everything.

"You are putting too little faith in yourself. You can do everything you want to as long as you try."

"I'm just saying, Michael, without this whole royalty aspect, things would be so much simpler."

"Maybe … but can't you see how much you can actually do as a princess? I know it is annoying to have the world following you everywhere and pay attention to everything you're doing. But have you ever thought of what you could do with that?"

"I already am promoting Sebastiano, Michael," I said.

"You could do even more than that, Mia. Every time you go to some party dinner, everyone wants to take a picture of you or have you say a few words in a camera, right? Well, for example, you could say something about the humanitarian crises in Somalia. 90% of people watching wouldn't even hear what you said because they'd be too distracted by the dress you're wearing. That 10 % would hear and think, hmmm, what is she talking about? And they'd google it and read about the situation in Somalia. 9% of those people wouldn't do anything about it, for whatever reason, but that 1% would – whether they would donate to some charity or even go to Somalia to do some charity work. Whatever they did, they would make a difference – and it would be all because of you, Mia, you can change the world. All it takes is one sentence. Imagine what you could do with two or three sentences or the whole speech. Not only you have a will to make things better - you have the power, the resources to do so. Yeah, your personal freedom might be suffering at times but what about the freedom you can give to others?"

And then I thought of Andrew's wedding and the talk Harry, René and I had in that wedding salon.

"By your logic, it is best to just say screw you, tradition and do things your own way, in a completely unconventional way?" I asked.

"Seriously, BC, it wouldn't hurt if you thought so too," René said.

"Leave it, René. He isn't saying anything, Genovia," smiled Harry.

And Harry's words after the wedding.

"Mia, please tell me you learned something from this wedding?"

I had no idea what he was talking about at the time but now, now it made sense. I mean, Andrew totally said it to me but I thought he only meant himself. Now I knew I was totally Andrew before he decided to come out.

"Thanks to you, Mia, I finally realized that the greatest and most difficult thing in life is to be true with yourself. If it wasn't for you, I would still suppress my real self in order to please my family and be the ideal son my father wants me to be."

I thought of Grandmere in the morning.

"Just go on that stage and be you. Because you, Mia, equal a great princess. You fight for the good and that is what princesses do."

And then Michael again:

"Just speak from your heart."

I guess I was like a kid on Piaget's theory of cognitive development. A kid who was on Pre-operational stage for so long. And his experiences kept gathering and gathering and then one day, without a warning, he reached Operational stage – he realized it is not just about one aspect of the situation, not only about him.

Suddenly everything just fell in its place.

And everything was so clear.

Just like the cloudless sky I was looking at.

Suddenly I felt disgusted with myself. I was holding cards with a speech somebody else had written for me. A speech that was nothing like me. That was nothing like what I wanted to be, what I wanted to represent.

I was doing something that was against everything I was, against everything I wanted to represent when ... when I could make a difference. Like I made a difference in Andrew's life. Like I made a difference in the lives of the cats in the shelter. Like I made a difference in the lives of the fishermen when I got rid of the alga.

Everyone can make a difference in the people around him. But not everyone can make a difference in the lives of people all over the world. I, as a princess, have a rare privilege to do so.

And I WANT to make a difference.

Maybe this wasn't what Grandmere meant when she told me to be myself. It was quite possible that she would hate me for doing it.

But I knew that I had to. There was no other way if I wanted to live with myself.

So I put the cards down.

"I have this speech written but I don't think it represents what I want to say. I mean … as you all know, I didn't find out I was a princess until I was fourteen … and right from the start I was like nooo, I cannot be a princess. I was nothing like princesses you see on television – they all have long wavy hair and are super pretty, they have this grace around them and they are basically perfect. I was nothing like that – my hair was in this weird triangle shape, my body was disproportionate and I was completely incapable of talking in public. I prayed no one would ever find out I was a princess. I mean, I totally calculated everything – I would only have to be in princess when I would be in Genovia. And with Genovia being relatively unknown in America, chances of anyone ever seeing me performing royal duties were practically zero. But, you know, I am terrible at maths so it wasn't a surprise really when one morning pretty much the whole world knew who I was.

And right after reporters introduced me to the world, somebody asked me why I was hoping no one would ever find out I was a princess. He said that it wasn't a bad thing.

Honestly, I thought he was being an insensitive jerk.

I mean, everybody thinks being a princess is such a great thing. I mean, I get to wear beautiful dresses that were especially designed for me. I have people doing my hair and makeup. I get to travel the world and see different cultures. And, of course, I get to wear the tiara and everybody thinks that I can get whatever I want.

People don't even think about everything else that goes along with a royal status. They don't know how annoying it is when wherever you go, people follow you with cameras. The world follows your every move and everything you do finds its place on the cover of magazines. Therefore, you have to be careful to always be on your best behavior. If you have a bad hair day, stylists from all over the world will criticize you. You can't even go to a friends' wedding without newspapers reporting it was you who actually got married because tabloids see sensational stories when there really aren't any.

Your royal status pretty much becomes the most important part of you, nobody cares for the person you really are, for your interests and goals. Everybody thinks that because you are a princess, you are something extra special and therefore, things or people that would be perfectly ok for everyone else - maybe even perfect - are just mediocre or even not good enough for you. People have this representation of what a real princess is, what she likes, what she wears and who she dates.

It takes your freedom away. You cannot do anything without thinking what if somebody sees me? Will it look bad for Genovia if I do this?

And for a long time, until today actually, this aspect of me being a princess, prevailed in my mind, you know, the I wish I wasn't a princess and could live normal life aspect. I saw the fact that everyone is watching me as the worst thing.

But now I wonder – if the whole world knows that this dress is Sebastiano Grimaldi's creation pretty much the second I step on stage, then maybe the whole world will also hear the words I am speaking.

And now I know what 'being a princess is not a bad thing' means.

If I say how sad it is that langurs are critically endangered, maybe people will listen and maybe something will be done to save them.

Because you see, this is me. I am not the dresses I wear, the perfect hair or makeup or flawless skin. That is what everybody thinks I should be because that is what fits the world's vision of being a princess. But I refuse to let the princess part be the dominant aspect of me. First and foremost, I am a person, my own personality just like you, just like your friends. I am a perfectly normal person who just happened to be born in a royal family. I am no one special; in some aspects, I might be even totally mediocre.

And I am tired of suppressing myself, of trying to be who everybody else expects me to be, just because of the title I have. I am more than that; I deserve to be more than that.

I want the world to realize that we, royals, are just like you. And if you need to follow us, then why don't you focus on something besides our hair or clothes – why don't you listen to what we have to say?

And what I want to say is that don't ever be afraid of being who you are. Stop being afraid of what people around you will think of you. If they judge you, it is their problem, not yours. If they don't accept you for who you are, then that's their problem, not yours. We do not need people who want us to fit their idea of us – we need people who love us for being us and who think we are perfect just the way we are. Don't suppress yourself so that you can fit in – why would we even want to follow social norms and be like everybody else if we can be ourselves and therefore perfect? The greatest and most difficult thing in life is to be true with yourself.

I am going to be me and a princess at the same time and I encourage you all to just BE YOURSELF.

So, yeah, this is what I want to say today.

Oh, and save the langurs."

After I stopped talking, for a moment everybody was quiet the crowd was intently looking at me, as if not too sure of what to do. It lasted just long enough for my mind to go oh noooo, why didn't you just read the speech?

And then … it was like an explosion, everybody started clapping and cheering and shouting my name.

I swear, I was so overwhelmed I almost fell backward.

Then my dad came onto the stage. I thought he was about to yell at me what was I thinking but instead, there were tears falling down his face. I am not kidding. And he was looking at me with pride in his eyes.

And then Michael walked up to me, wrapping his arms around me and swirling me around.

"That's my girl," he said smiling and gave me a big kiss. And the crowd started cheering even louder.

Then the director of Genovian SPCA gave me this totally cute kitty as a thank you for doing so much for the shelter. And I totally started crying because it was just the sweetest thing.

I am totally taking her to the New York with me. I already have chosen a name for her – Lulu.

Really. I still can't believe just how good the whole speech thing turned out. I still have no idea how it happened.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 5 pm

Wait – I can't do this! I can't take Lulu with me to New York! Louie has just started liking me again! He is going to hate me FOREVER if I just bring a new cat with me. It might KILL him!

 

Tuesday, December 31, 5:30 pm

"I am sorry, Princess," said Vigo when I asked him if I can leave Lulu here, "the palace is not equipped for a kitty. We cannot keep her here."

"Keep her? She is not an object, she is a living creature!" I shouted. "And how can you say she cannot stay here? This is a PALACE, for crying out loud! We have pools, saunas, bowling area and 32 rooms! HOW CAN YOU TELL ME WE CANNOT HAVE A KITTY HERE?"

"I am sorry, Princess. I am sure you can find her a better home."

EXCUSE ME, BUT I AM THE PRINCESS. I AM A MEMBER THE FAMILY THAT OWNS THIS PALACE – AND THEY ARE TELLING ME THEY CANNOT GIVE ONE ROOM TO LULU?

I need to think of something – but what?

 

Tuesday, December 31, 6 pm

Wearing a dress that totally hides the fact that I am not that gifted in my chest area is great and all, but I still feel better when I change into Sebastiano's 'I just wanna have some fun/ And I'll do it until I'm done/ I'll tell it to the world/ I've just begun having my fun' shirt.

Shame I am changing again soon, this time into a short cocktail dress, for Grandmere's annual New Year's Eve party.

I can't believe I will finally, after so many years of longing, get to kiss Michael exactly at midnight.

Speaking of Michael, he just took me in his arms.

"I love you, Thermopolis, very much," he said, "but just so you know, I do not appreciate being called an insensitive jerk."

Oops.

I guess I am gonna have to make it up to him now.

Or not … somebody just knocked.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 6:15 pm

It was René.

He came to tell us Grandmere canceled her party. Instead, he and Harry are going off to visit some of our cousins down the coast and Michael and I are invited to come along.

Which means I can finally have an evening off with Michael.

Can this be? This is totally too good to be true!

 

Tuesday, December 31, 6:15 pm

Wait – this is so wrong.

I can't let her do this.

Not after she was so broken this morning.

I need to do something.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 6:30 pm

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY SOMETHING TO HER!" screamed René when I told him I can't let Grandmere cancel the party she has been preparing whole year.

Yeah, whatever. I am obsessed with fixing problems, haven't you learned that yet?

 

Tuesday, December 31, 7 pm

"I just don't feel like having a party," Grandmere sighed when I confronted her with the cancellation.

She wasn't in her bed anymore. Though she was still in her sleeping gown, she was at least sitting in her armchair in her chambers, with an even more petrified Rommel on her lap.

"Grandmere, but everybody was so looking forward to your party! You know your parties are the best!"

"Amelia, I need some alone time. I think I deserve it, after everything I had to endure this Christmas, don't you think?" she looked at me sharply.

Which, I mean, you have to admit, is true. Pretty much everything that could go wrong this Christmas, actually did go wrong –

\- Arne turned out to be a cheating jerk.

\- Her granddaughter sneaked out of royal dinner, only to climb a tree attempting to save a cat only to crash to the ground and almost killing herself.

\- The said granddaughter ran off to a gay wedding.

\- The said granddaughter was photographed running around with bottles of wine in her hands and wearing a wedding gown that cost three hundred bucks.

\- The said granddaughter dyed her hair orange.

\- It turned out that the said granddaughter was once again dating a guy she had broken up with over a year ago much to her's delight – and not only that, the said boyfriend came to visit her in Genovia, with the help of her own SON.

\- Oh, and not to mention, it was revealed that the said boyfriend is now rich.

\- Annual royal portraits were canceled due to granddaughter's hair color.

\- The granddaughter had to wear black/grey dresses because it was the only matching her hair.

\- Her Persian carpet was ruined (in her mind)

\- Sebastiano has left the building in order to pursue a success on his own.

\- The granddaughter once again decided to ignore the prepared speech and ended up telling the world that she doesn't care what the world thinks of her.

I take the blame.

She totally deserves to be a bit down.

"Look, if this is about the speech…"

"Yeah, about that …"

I was totally prepared to hear that I was going to have to memorize the whole family tree of the Saudi Royals.

"It was a great speech, Mia. Very inspiring … very in the spirit of Renaldo women."

And then I just knew what I needed to say.

I knelt down in front of her.

"Grandmere … and you know what I think? I think true Renaldo women do not sit around in their rooms after a guy they liked turns out to be a jerk. They put on their best clothes, get their hair and makeup done, and they prepare the best party the palace has ever seen and rock the remaining hours of this year, making the guy wish he had been smarter."

Yup.

I am totally on a roll today.

The party has been un-canceled.

But I am going down the coast to visit some of my cousins with René, Harry, and Michael.

But mainly with Michael.

I know Grandmere will do just fine without me.

 

Tuesday, December 31, 9 pm

I just got a text a text from Lilly:

Nice speech, POG, you finally got it. By the way, please tell my brother he is totally paying for a Spring Break trip down to Cabo for Kenny and me.

"And you call me insensitive?" Michael laughed when I read him the text. "That wasn't a NICE speech. That was a GREAT speech."

And he stashed my cell back into my purse and kissed me.


	20. Chapter 20

Wednesday, January 1, 6 am

Last night Harry and René went to the center of Monaco to celebrate the New Year with some of our cousins. Michael and I stayed behind in this great house on the hill overlooking enlightened Monaco and we could even see Genovia in the distance (I can say that we had totally better fireworks that Monaco. Take that Arne.).

We were sitting on the balcony and he had his arms wrapped around me.

"It's December," I said.

"Yeah, it is," he said and kissed my temple, "but not for much longer."

I laughed. He totally didn't understand what I was telling him.

I looked him in the eyes.

"It's December," I repeated, "you are supposed to ask me something in December."

He looked so confused. And so totally, utterly cute.

"What?"

"You are supposed to ask me something in December," I repeated and laughed.

He shook his head in confusion.

"What are you ta…"

And then it occurred to him. He realized what the question was. He just stared at me, completely shocked for about five seconds.

"Mia … Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I smiled and nodded, "yeah, I am."

And I was.

And it was … perfect. It …

Wait – my phone is buzzing. Who is up this early (well, besides me, obviously, but I have a good reason to be up already) to text me?

Harry: I'll take pictures at your wedding, Genovia. BTW, do you remember the deal we made last year? That both of us will have a wedding of our grannies' nightmares? You still in or are you now BFF with Clarisse? Well, I think you two nerds could rock a Star Wars wedding. Promise me René will be a Chewbacca, he'll love it.

And then there was René's text a few seconds later (ok, what did they do last night – or more importantly, where did they end up this morning?): I'll play better at your wedding, I promise. And I won't break the piano and instead of spraying champagne, I can throw rice if you want. That's what people do at weddings, right? You still want Paramore's My Heart to be your wedding song? Harry can do the screaming part, he'll love it.

Oh my god. Just how drunk are they?

And please don't tell me Sebastiano's flight got canceled or that his visa was denied or something and he is now with them because he is texting me too!

Sebastiano: Can I design your wed dress? Please? I have it all in my mi alred! Do you want to go white - though I am think a mix of yell and brown with dark lipstick will make you pret. And I talk to Paolo to do your hair – sligh curly, not too much, we don't want to make you like a poodle. Get back to me, ok? PS: Ameri is great!

And then -

Vigo: All the necessary arrangements have been made and the kitty is now allowed to stay at the palace, Princess.

Ok, what is wrong with them (well, Vigo is not sane either, but I mean the rest of them)? What is all this talk about my wedding? Hello? I am seventeen! Seventeen! And just last night I had sex for the…

Wait. WAIT!

Oh my god.

I think I know what all the commotion in the salon was about. You know, when Michael told us about his company, Pavlov Surgical, and they all started spitting and dropping things and Grandmere looked like she had a coronary.

Oh my god.

She was right.

That fortune teller lady last year was right. You know, the one that told me I would marry a guy that makes a living off his animal.

SHE DIDN'T MEAN A FARMER LIKE WE ALL THOUGHT! SHE MEANT A GUY WHO NAMED HIS COMPANY AFTER HIS DOG!

SHE MEANT …

Michael.

Oh my god.

Not that I haven't known this before, I mean, we are totally getting married, I already talked about the vegetarian course with Pierre, it is just …. Well, it is nice to hear it from the fortune teller lady.

But … if she was right about me, she was also right about … well, other people.

Like Sebastiano – she said he will succeed with polyester which sent him into total panic because, well, he hates the material, god knows why.

Harry – she told him the girl of his dreams is a queen which totally upset him because, well, he wants to go against his grandmother's wishes to marry, well, a royal. He craves for a normal wife.

René – he is supposed to settle down before turning 25 – since he is the greatest party boy there is, he only laughed hysterically and said there will never be a day when he'd settle down.

Grandmere - this one was the worst – the lady said she would voluntarily move out of the palace in the next five years. At first, Grandmere accused her of being a fraud and then she started screaming that she just received a death threat. It took two sidecars to calm her down.

Oh my god.

I hope they are too drunk from celebrating the New Year to pick up on this …

Wait, new text –

Grandmere – what wasssssss the name of that forrrrrrrrtune tellerrrrrr, Ameliaaaaaaa? I have tooooo speak tooo herrrrrrr immediatelyyyyyyyy. Callllll me, Clarrrriseeeeee, your grandmotherrrrrrrrrr

Oh no.


End file.
